He was worth losing sleep over...

It is way too fucking early for me to be attempting any sort of awake activity. But, I'm trying so fucking hard right now. Kindly note that there are 2 entries on the 'recent encounters', but please forgive me for how brief they are going to be. I just don't have the brain power right now… I'm trying to be as detailed in my recording as possible… but, omg… the suck of being awake this early.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Still no phone, and now I can't even receive calls in on my regular #. The suck continues.

 - Writing - Gods… okay, so I finished all my research, and now I have to go through the very painful process of multiple check lists for my narrative. This would be SO much easier if I had a desk work station with like 3 screens. But, as it stands I have to settle for the minimalist screen real estate that my laptop (Victor) can provide.

It's a barely functional system, but I'm starting to work out the kinks of it.

 - Sleep - I was unkind to my morning last night. I didn't go to bed at the right time to be attempting to wake so early. But, he was worth losing sleep over. The update is below.

 - Fur-babies - One visit yesterday. There were Dreamy kisses. OMG… love that cat so much.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - 4 cups, still not awake.

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - Fuck you.

 - Inflammation - Fuck you.

 - Weight Management - Fuck you.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I’m going to admit to being somewhat hurt/irritated by how little we've been in contact lately. I’m sure it's just work, but I know some of it is _her_. This can't be over soon enough and it's killing me that he might need to be gone longer. That could potentially mean another 6-month lease and him being gone for a full year.

I hope he's smart enough to not let it come to that.

He has to know how that would ruin us.

I've told him that I don't mind him being gone longer. But, it has to be without _her_ in our mutual sphere.

 - The Unicorn - I'm trying so hard to be awake for this fucking IEP on Thursday. I'm beginning to think that my act of compassion is doing way more harm than good.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - Technically, I have two to report. Even if one was only via text.

    - 1) good company: I'm starting to understand what it was about him that made me trust him even in the midst of this recent depression/anxiety death spiral. At first it was a mystery to me why I trusted him. But, now, after last night. I kind of get it.

He's also dealing with a 'long-distance' love kind of situation. And one that seems to have gone deeply south on him. He was lonely and in need of cuddles for the same reason that I am.

This is one of those things that made Jasper so special. So, this one (no code name yet, I AM waiting until the second date, this time!!)… for him to understand me on that level. It was impressive.

Now, if I can just get the sex that I need from someone of Jasper's caliber, I'll be fine.

    - 2) good conversation: One of the things he said last night was SO SWEET. He said that he wished all relationships could be like what he and I were sharing. Just a complete sense of openness and a willingness to share the pain. No hiding behind masks. So, yeah… *smile* we have that.

    - 3) good snuggles: Naked cuddles are the best cuddles.

I skipped all pretenses. As soon as he got to me I had him in the bedroom. We cuddled fully clothed and then the most amazing thing happened. He pulled a Blue Falcon and shifted until he was on top of me with his arms wrapped around my shoulders. OMG! So sweet.

He started to kiss me and eventually my hands were moving across the skin of his back under his sweater.

I must have said something like "I like skin."

So, he pulled his sweater off with words like "Well let's give you some skin then." And then my upper body clothing was removed.

I must have said something like "Naked cuddles are the best cuddles."

Because then he was like "Well then let's get naked."

  

  - 4) good sex: LOL, but we didn't cuddle. He went right for the condom and DAYUM! His cock is HUGE. He felt so good inside me. Incredible libido and stamina. Alternating between hard pounding and gentle thrusts… so often those arms continued to wrap around me and his kisses were so sweet.

It was the epitome of a good 'cuddle fuck', the way he held me close to him while he was working in and out of me. Almost exactly the way that the Blue Falcon does.

Well, what were the chances of that?

Now… if I can just find someone local who can do the whole 'pin my wrists to the bed with the nine magic words "You can fight me as much as you want"' thing. That would be so wonderful.

Which brings me to my SECOND encounter:

    - 1) good company: We are separated by great distance. But, for some reason, with him it's okay. We are pack. Running mates. He is as much wolf as me.

    - 2) good conversation: We speak the language of wolf-speak with each other. So much of it is sensation and touch. He and I can literally FEEL each other, no matter the distance.

    - 3) good snuggles: We're on the same page… how he would love to lay me face down and work oil over my back, priming me for the kind of pounding that only another wolf can give.

    - 4) good sex: He would do it… he totally would!! He would pin me down and tell me to struggle.

Gods… I get so hot just thinking of it…

That Jasper Ghost Story seems closer and closer to the surface with each passing day and sweetie encounter. I might even mix my wolf-brother into that story. Make it this thing where we're meeting after a long internet courtship and he gives me what I had hoped SOMEONE other than Jasper could give me.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - You already know this. He's a favorite for a reason. And I love knowing that I have a friend/lover like him.

 - Jasper - I am NOT happy right now.

I've not heard from him since Friday, when he explicitly told me that he would be keeping me in the loop. And then… fat wad of nothing.

*sigh* I’m sure it's nothing. I'm sure he's still with me. But, fuck, I hate being ghosted like this. It makes me so paranoid that I'm going to lose him completely.

A loss like that…

Ye gods… how much of me would even survive that?

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - I HOPE HOPE HOPE last nights encounter wasn't a one time thing!!

 - The Hopefuls - I've been backing off here because of the depression/anxiety death spiral. Aside from last nights encounter, I see no one new getting close to me until this thing with Jasper is resolved.

I don't need sex from Jasper.

I just need one night in his arms, proving that I can be there for him without asking him to hurt himself for me.

--

Sigh… okay… I guess I had more to say than I thought I did…