4 dates yesterday...

I’m having a harder time than usual getting started this morning… it's already going on noon and I'm only just now getting to my journal entry. Usually I'm an hour into the work already.

I had my epiphany about that this morning.

These are depressive symptoms. These are the 'I can't get out of bed' symptoms. In fact, I even shut down my morning TV and closed my eyes for half an hour.

Even 3 cat cuddles so far this morning… and I’m still in this hole.

I know what this is.

I'm afraid of losing Jasper as a lover, just because he was so good. When I read people, it's always a door that opens both ways. Jasper is the first who's really walked through that door.

Now, I can't really say that's never happened before. There was that one time when the Dragon read me twice. But, the Dragon and I have yet to amplify our relationship to something sexual.

Fucking hell… I just needed the way that Jasper held me down and told me I could fight him as much as I wanted. I feel like I will always need that, and always want that. But, if it's not him, then I need it to either be a) someone for whom this kind of non-con edge play is NATURAL, or b) someone like Jasper, who is reading me and adjusting his output to be what I need.

Jasper wasn't faking it.

He wasn't faking it any more than I fake it when I shift to adjust to someone.

It's natural. That shift. It becomes who we are.

He's just so much like me…

*sigh*

Okay… on to the update:

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Valkyrie would suggest journaling. So that's what I’m doing. I know this thing with Jasper will end up being a story of some kind someday soon. But, I'm just not 'pulled together' enough to make that happen yet. But, it's important that I record all the pain, so I can harvest it later.

 - Writing - I really need to get back on track with my research and get this fucking book written… I do think my recent experiences will make great additions to Torvus.

 - Sleep - I know I slept, and yet I’m SO tired today. It's got to be the depression! At least I didn’t have any nightmares last night.

 - Fur-babies - Both Splotches and Dreamy have been by today. Splotches cuddled once. Dreamy cuddled twice. I really think these cats are amazing, and they must know how much I'm hurting right now.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Still on track… bought some creamer yesterday for my coffee date… I really like the caramel. Made it super hard to keep it down to just 3 cups today.

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - I'm in a downswing, and I'm forcing myself to forgive myself for it.

 - Inflammation - That, I know for sure is getting worse.  *frown*

 - Weight Management - I don't think putting real sugar in my coffee is good for me. I think I need to eat the cost on some sweetener again.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - One more major holiday has come and gone without a visit from Bran. So, now he owes me a turkey dinner, Chinese food, and a trip to get chocolates (which will have to be at full price). He's cool with all of this.

So, the story goes that even though he requested the day off. Several other people had also requested the day off because of some massive ice fishing contest. I guess first prize was a boat, or some shit.

How much do I really trust Bran? *sigh* Probably not much, but even I'm not sure that he could make something like that up.

He DID send me the money to buy my chocolates. I came away with 5 boxes for under $20. Really, not a bad haul at all. One of the boxes has even been eaten already, but I'm trying to go slow with the rest.

 - The Unicorn - No news. Probably won't be updating until her next visit. Even though I have her phone # now, and I could call her if I wanted to.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - Somewhat unexpected… but, I guess I was really busting my ass on the Law of Attraction yesterday. I've been hurting so much over this thing with Jasper that I pulled 4 people to me in one day… none of them actually helped at all. But, just knowing how much the Law is TRYING to get me through this, and showing me that I have OPTIONS.

Yeah, yeah… message received. Loud and clear.

Still doesn't make it hurt any less.

1. We met on OKC a while back. Before I even identified as a Cougar. He's my age, and we only really ever planned on talking. He only stayed an hour, but for that hour my mind was off things a little bit.

    - 1) good company: We talked. He brought his own coffee. He gave me a hug when he left. All in all it was about an hour of my time, well spent.

    - 2) good conversation: He asked good questions and practiced active listening well. We seemed to agree on a lot of topics, but if you asked me to remember any of them today, I really just couldn't. It's not that he wasn't a memorable conversationalist. It's just that I have the attention span of a gold fish.

    - 3) good snuggles: We did not cuddle. I stayed on  my end of the couch, he stayed on his.

    - 4) good sex: See above, RE snuggles…

2. We met on OKC just in the last day or so. He really needs a good Cougar to help him with this stage of his development as a man and as a lover. He's got good ink :) - so I said 'what the hell, why not'. All in all, he was with me for about an hour too.

    - 1) good company: One of the things we identified right away when we spoke on the phone, is that we're sexually well matched in terms of aggression. And, he's not had sex in awhile. So, the plan quickly became to go straight for the naked fun first, then give me the shoulder-cry time, and then more sex.

Okay, that was the PLAN… that's not the way it played out.

We did go for the sex first. Then we spent some time just sitting in the living room and talking.

    - 2) good conversation: It was a good talk. He understands some of where I am with Jasper. He shared his own details on a similar situation with his best friend / fuck buddy. He's very much in love with her, but both of them have been so burned in the past that he's not willing to move forward. He said he'd rather wonder forever what it would be like to be in a relationship with her than actually experience the relationship, risking failure and risking losing her as a friend.

I understand that.

I would rather back off with Jasper and just be his friend than I would want him to stay a playmate and risk hurting him to the point where he needs to back off.

I think Jasper gets too deep with people and then doesn't know his exit strategy. That gets him in trouble. So, that's a risk I’m not willing to take with him.

    - 3) good snuggles: There was some sex-coma cuddles… not the best cuddles I've ever had, but… yeah

    - 4) good sex: I’m not going to lie, the sex was pretty disappointing. A) he hadn't had sex in a long time. B) he's on the tail end of penis surgery!! - So, he just found out the HARD WAY that sex HURTS.

We went two rounds and in both he came almost right away.

I did my duty and I let him know all was well. And, to be honest, I’m not disappointed in HIM as a lover. He is who he is. It's just that he's not Jasper.

He will never top Jasper.

This does not mean that Jasper cant be topped! - it just means that he's not going to be the one to top him. And, I'm okay with that!!

3. This was exclusively an online thing. Even though I'm okay with it coming 'offline' at some point. This is one where I’m pretty hopeful that it will be just a one-off. At least in terms of the sex. I'm just not that sexually attracted to him, but he's SUPER sexually attracted to me.

I just get the feeling that I'm needed as a Goddess/Healer for him, not the other way around. And I'm okay with that.

    - 1) good company: He's a sweetie. Aware of how much pain I'm in and wanting to help out.

    - 2) good conversation: Good conversationalist. Really, if he were just tall and scrawny like the Blue Falcon, we'd be fucking by now. 

    - 3) good snuggles: Again, this was only online.

    - 4) good sex: Ugh… I tolerated it… he's one of those 'cam with me and watch me masturbate' types. Ew… but, I did it for him.

4. This one I met on FetLife. He read my full profile and he liked what he read. He was pretty convinced that our Dom/sub styles would mesh, and after talking with him a bit, I had to fully agree.

So, this was really my last ditch effort to get some good shoulder-cry time yesterday. And I had explained to all of the above that my walls would be up and that my tears were something that needed to be coaxed out of me.

No one stepped up to the plate on that one… but we had a good talk until he absolutely HAD to leave because it was past his bedtime, and I knew it. He was tired. So I let him go.

    - 1) good company:

He was MORE than reassuring that his leaving did NOT mean he wasn't attracted. He said he could have made a move on me at any time. But, he held back because he felt it was more important that we establish the friendship first. Just to give me the chance to get to know him and understand that he's not a serial killer. He wanted to open up the lines of communication and start the trust building.

I'm more than cool with that.

    - 2) good conversation: Again, I couldn't tell you what we talked about.. I do remember that we have similar details on our autistic kids. So that was cool. And it was actually really good to know that it was more than just sex for him and that he really wanted to get to know me as a person, not a sub or a lover.

    - 3) good snuggles: Not this time.

    - 4) good sex: Maybe next time.

 - Updates on Favorites

 - The Blue Falcon - I pinged him earlier, just saying hi. He probably won't respond until much later today if he responds at all. I just like letting him know that I'm still here.

 - Jasper - I pinged him twice yesterday. Once in response to his coming out to HLS about the pain he was in. He says that she was very supportive and understanding. He told me he was feeling a LOT better, and he thanked me for being there for him and for advising him so well. I just told him that I'm glad for him and that I'm proud of him. And then I told him about being on the tail end of another PTSD nightmare.

He didn't respond until just a bit ago. Must be a lunch break or something. He apologized (again) for not chatting much and told me it was work related (again). I just told him to shush and that he doesn't owe me any explanations. I told him the same thing that I just told the Blue Falcon. I just like to tap in to let them know that I'm there and that I've not forgotten about them. They don't have to respond.

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!

There is a SMALL chance that I might get to SEE Jasper!! Live and in person.

He's in between both job and domicile this weekend, so it's really up in the air over whether or not I will see him at all this weekend.

I HOPE I DO…

These conversations that I keep having in the head. The ones where I state very clearly that I'm taking one for the team and *I* will take one for the team. I will take the auger to the chest and take sex OFF the table between us. Nothing has to change in our friendship. We can still talk, and cuddle, and sleep next to each other, and wake up to a lovely breakfast.

It's just that none of this has to result in us fucking.

I refuse to let him take that auger to the chest. I have options. I have my line of boys around the block. I can and WILL find someone who can pin me down and fuck me the way that Jasper did.

Jaspers options for companionship are very limited. So, I won't ever take that away from him. I'm only removing the sex because that's how he needs to be protected right now.

I do love him.

I love him enough to let him go.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Dusk has blocked me on OKC. I've archived his chat with me. Neither Coffee nor Cocoa have checked in… I'm writing them both off as well. I don't know where things are with Cotton Candy, but I do hope that I hear from him again at some point.

 - The Hopefuls - There are a couple of geek boys that I'm not the least bit physically attracted to. But, they're SUPER attracted to me. I kinda feel like I need to be a proper good Cougar and let them have their turn. And then hope that they're just once as well.

I guess I just want the good karma.

I'm supposed to have a date today too. But he's not checked in in a while… so… not sure.

I won't be sad if he bows out.

I seriously have SO much work to do!