Bad dreams again... (but, yesterday was Blue Falcon!! YAY!)

I fucking hate this PTSD shit.

I hate the fact that things got that fucked up. I hate the fact that _she_ still haunts me. She's in my dreams and she's not going anywhere.

I just hope it ends when Bran comes back. Once she's gone for good… and I can sleep next to him again. I just hope that's enough to make the bad dreams stop.

*sigh*

Also, my apologies, I promised you something steamy about the Blue Falcon today. It's actually going to be a bit tame. You'll see when you get there.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I get to see Valkyrie tomorrow. But, that's really not going to help me all that much. I've already asked her what to do about the PTSD and she told me that I'm pretty much already doing it. I've got this recovery system already in place and now it's just going to take some time.

Time and distance.

That's all I can hope for.

Time and distance.

I guess my biggest worry isn't even about me. It's about Bran. He lets things go so easily. He makes this grand promise to never hold anyone's past against them. Like he can somehow just snap his fingers and no longer be hurt anymore.

I don't have that luxury.

Because of the Borderline, my wounds never heal.

How can I move on? How can I forgive him completely? Will I ever be able to put it behind me enough to trust him again? Or, am I going back to living the life of loving him regardless of how much I can't trust him?

How do I stop resenting what he did?

How do I prevent that resentment from bubbling to the surface?

I can't keep holding him accountable. I mean, yes, it got shitty. But, he was just as much of a victim as I was. The bitch had leverage and she used it.

So… if the dreams don't stop… how can I let it go?

Fuck…

I hate this shit.

- Writing - Despite all of the above. I have big plans on the writing for today. On Friday I finished compiling all of my story structure research and worked out a somewhat decent system for getting everything checked, rechecked, and filled in on the current story…

However… I forgot about windows.

Yup… windows.

See, one of my writing guru's said that drama can be heightened if you include bad weather. Presumably romance can be deepened if you include good weather. Both of my beginning scenes happen indoors, so I figured weather wasn't an issue. And then I came across a forum discussion on creating 'movement' within a scene. Which I thought I had done. Until someone else mentioned rain trickling down a window.

Gods dammit!

Windows!!

My drama would be heightened exponentially if I just included a raging storm OUTSIDE and beating against the fucking windows!!

So, yeah… chapter one rewrite… again.

But, I'm hoping to get to chapter two as well.

 - Sleep - Got to bed a little late… woke up an hour before the alarm, but didn't get up. I was able to get back to sleep and the alarm woke me in the middle of a REM cycle. So, whatever, I guess I’m okay.

 - Fur-babies - Two visits yesterday, but I only counted one because neither cat gave cuddles on the first. They were both more interested in the Unicorn, LOL. I'm okay with this. She's in some pretty dire need of cat therapy too.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - still down to only 3… still craving more… it's not a 'wake me up more' kind of craving… more of a comfort thing, I guess… weird.

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - no

 - Inflammation - sorry

 - Weight Management - not yet, but I see the weight loss doctor on the 14th… maybe I'm lucky and I'm still losing… but I doubt it.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - My biggest fear with Bran is not knowing whether or not I'll be able to control my PTSD once he gets back. I don't want to resent him for something he was equally victimized by. I really don't.

I need to shut this shit down something fierce.

 - The Unicorn - Okay… the report here is AMAZING.

The Blue Falcon has stated, very clearly, that he's not just in my life, he's in the Unicorn's too. Since they're both high functioning autistics, he just immediately put himself in the roll of 'positive male roll model'. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!!??!!

So… he got here about 5pm yesterday. Early enough to buy everyone dinner. He even brought a sixer of different soda's. Really nice of him. The Unicorn picked an apple soda because there was a fox on the label. LOL, so cute, and so her.

The Blue Falcon talked to her about autism and asked her specific questions that only another autistic would really know. She might have been shy. I'm not sure. But she kind of fixated on her bubbles a little bit. So, the Blue Falcon pulled up a YouTube video on bubble experiments in space as well as anti-bubbles. It was so sweet to see someone taking such a strong interest in her!

The last two times I had a guy over when she was still here, both panicked and left after only an hour or so. But, the Blue Falcon has shown so much dedication to me that I felt really comfortable with them meeting. She was scared that she was going to scare him away if we watched one of her favorite anime's, but we both reassured her that he's not going to be scared away that easily.

He even bought us dinner. Pizza. Turns out we each have very different tastes when it comes to pizza. The Unicorn and the Blue Falcon are both pretty picky. So he ordered three solo-pizza's so that everyone could get exactly what they wanted. I picked a cherry and cream soda. It was all so good. The three of us sat on the couch together with the Blue Falcon in the middle, because they're both so skinny it worked out.

The Unicorn showed him this game that she's really fixated on. It's a puzzle game. Which he totally understands about her.

He told her, more than once, that she'd see him again soon.

Take a moment to let that sink in.

HE TOLD HER, more than once, that he's coming back for the express purpose of spending time with her again.

I am SO FUCKING LUCKY that he's in my life. He made it so clear that he's in hers too, now. 

What a sweetheart.

The appointed hour came and her dad came to get her.

It was really sweet.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - The Blue Falcon and I were both pretty much naked with in 5 minutes of the Unicorn leaving.

    - 1) good company: Most of this you already know. His time with the Unicorn was really special.

    - 2) good conversation: Same as always. He can literally talk about anything. It's amazing.

    - 3) good snuggles: He stripped down to his boxers as soon as we made it into my bedroom. Then after cuddling up to me he tugged at my shirt a little bit. So I asked if I was overdressed and he pretty much ripped my clothes off, LOL. Then his boxers went buhbye too. Gods, I love how he snuggles. He holds me so fucking tight. He even asked me to squeeze him really tight and reconfirmed something I already knew about how autistics are comforted by pressure.

I don't know what to say… I just love being with him so much.

    - 4) good sex: This is where the report gets a little light. There WAS sex, but it didn't last very long. He was super tired from sleep deprivation and his mind and his body and his cock all kind of got into an argument over whether or not sex should continue. Fatigue won out, and we just snuggled and talked.

He's a very gentle lover. Good kisser. So caring.

-- part of the post coital discussion --

I mentioned that Bran is hoping to return in March. The Blue Falcon asked if we'd be downgraded to platonic once Bran came back. Pretty much telling me that we're friends no matter what! - omg - fucking LOVE him for that. I told him that we're still allowed to have plenty of sex, we just do it while Bran is at work. And he also said he'd be fine meeting Bran at some point, but we both agreed that we'd let Bran make that call.

We also talked about how our relationship will change when he finds his mate. That we're very likely to downgrade to platonic at that point.

It was just so comforting to know that he's my friend. And that he will be my friend. No matter what.

I really do love him for that.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Jasper - Pretty much nothing from Jasper lately… I'm back to not knowing what to think. But some of that is likely just my own sleep deprivation and insecurities talking.

 - Blue Falcon - Already noted in the report above.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - I'm sort of considering adding Cookie to the favorites. We'll see. I think I want him to make at least 3 dates total before I do that.

 - The Hopefuls - Couple more blips on the radar. One planning on heading my way tonight. That one also has some social anxiety issues.

Both new blips are seriously STRONG and HOT… omg…

Please,

For the love of the gods…

Give me at least one super muscular and strong cub who will come back for more.