Ugh… You're probably
going to hate me for this, but… I just begged off on seeing Dusk today.
It needed to happen,
though.
If there's one thing
my time with Jasper has taught me, it's that I seriously crave the touch of
someone who can be more Dominant with me.
Dusk isn't Dominant.
He's not submissive,
either. He just kind of 'is'. And right now I need something that can be more
firm with me.
This guy, today…
he's told me that he's very Dominant. So, we'll see.
Something Jasper
said last night has caused me to question whether or not he's going to work out
as a continued Sweetie. Don't panic, I’m NOT done with him by a long shot. But,
if I'm hurting him more than helping him… I'm sorry… he may need to back out on
continuing to see me. He's still a priority Sweetie. He will be for a very long
time. But keeping that door open isn't enough to maintain whether or not he
will continue to walk through it.
This breaks my
heart.
I was just getting
close to admitting that I love him.
…
*sigh* okay… so, the
update.
I had a date last
night. No code name yet, so for the purpose of this entry we're going to call
him 'Potential.1', Potential because we don't know yet if he's going to come
back and make this a regular thing.
The super sultry,
confident Dom that I've replaced Dusk with is going to be known as
'Potential.2'. Potential because this is our first meeting. He wants something
regular, but we don't know yet if he will choose to be a regular of mine.
I only gave
Potential.2 priority status because he's identified as Dominant. And I NEED
that. Especially if Jasper needs to end things with me.
Okay… here we go:
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - I
still don't have a working phone. So Valkyrie and I are probably just going to
do our 'check-in' tomorrow. This is really starting to piss me off, but I'm
glad that she takes the time to at least make sure I'm okay.
On my end, I've been
continuing to plug away at my Radical Acceptance. And, I guess I'm doing okay
for the moment. So, there's not much more I can report.
I got a call from my
psychiatrist earlier regarding a request for a prescription refill and for some
reason Bubbles wanted to know if I'm continuing to see her. What the hell? I
thought we had an appointment booked… did we not? I'm thinking I might have missed
an appointment with her… so, I'd better sort that out once I have a working
phone again. Which is going to be a bit, I'm afraid. My power bill is up over
$300 and no end in sight on these budget issues.
- Writing - So.
Many. Sweeties… - you know it's always there in the back of my mind. But making
my Sweetie reports counts as erotica.
I'm dead serious
about that.
- Fur-babies - I
got a visit from Dreamy yesterday morning. I had to set Victor (my laptop) down
in order to entice Dreamy up into my lap, but once he got there he just
collapsed into a puddle of purr-fur. I was literally holding him in my arms
like a baby. It was so sweet.
Then the Unicorn was
getting re-dropped-off and I had to get up.
Dreamy was seriously
unhappy about this, but he got some time with the Unicorn's toes. So, I think
that made it up to him.
Update during the
re-read. Just had a visit from Dreamy and Splotches. Both came up into my lap
to say hi, but no one snuggled. Splotches is back home now, but Dreamy is
passed out on top of my kitchen cabinets. I really wish Dreamy would have
snuggled… After the disappointment I just endured (Potential.2), I really could
have used the therapy cat snuggles.
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine - Still
down to 3 cups, but feeling constantly tempted by the 4th… maybe even a 5th…
- Yoga /
Movement Goals - Yoga just went on hold so that Potential.2 could come
out today. I tried to make him promise to get my heart rate up, but he didn't
respond.
- Inflammation
- Potential.1 gave me a bit of a massage last night. Enough to tell me
that my muscles ARE upset with my diet of late. But, there's still nothing I
can do about this until Bran gets back.
- Weight
Management - Second verse, same as the first… everything good for me
(besides Sweeties) is on hold until Bran gets back.
Relationships / Family:
Oh… and you want to
know my fresh new hell? As long as my budget is a problem, I'm thinking that I
need to use my measly petty cash to pay my bills until my budget is sorted out.
FUCK ME!
That means the
PROMISE I made to buy my commitment rings with Bran is ON HOLD for the same
exact fucking financial hardship excuse he used on me.
*SCREAMS*
*MID ENTRY UPDATE* I
just got off the phone with the electric company, and if I can't come up with
over $300 by Friday, I lose my power. Completely.
This is one more
thing that Bran's leaving has totally fucked me over with. I have zero help to
get MY bills paid. But, his are just doing honky dory.
*grump*
My case worker is
going to try to get electric resolved today. And I'm somewhat hopeful… but not
okay with how this is all playing out.
And fuck you powers that be… I totally get it. FINE. You
want me to be MORE IN CHARGE OF MY OWN MONEY. Message received, now joyfully
FUCK OFF and keep my bills paid. Dammit!!
I felt a bit bad for
her, though. This party she was at, she had to interact with her ex-stepmom
because her ex-stepmom is besties with my ex-almost best friend. Ex-almost best
friend is the mother of one of the Unicorn's best friends.
*SCREAMS AGAIN*
Poor Unicorn. She
actually had to interact with her ex-stepmom.
People can be so
inconsiderate! Why the fuck would you put a young girl in the same room with
someone she hates? Especially if it's someone who used to emotionally abuse
her. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Recent
Encounters - Potential.1:
- 1) good company: He got to me kind of late because he'd lost
his keys, and then he couldn't stay long for the same reason. He'd never
actually found his keys. He'd borrowed someone else's car just to come out to
me. He seems gentle. All around good guy. For the life of me I don't know why
he's interested in me at all. It seems like he could do so much better. But he
was really disappointed when I had to reschedule with him after my SSI Hearing.
He understood, but he expressed more than once that my meeting him was 'long
overdue'. We haven't even been chatting for two weeks, I don't think. But, to
him, it felt like years. I'm just not sure where to file that one.
- 2) good conversation: We talked a bit about different things. I
shared with him some details on the Unicorn. About our spiritual connection and
such. He seemed to take it well. He wasn't scared away, at least. I probably
would have talked to him longer, but I knew he was short on time, so I
proceeded quickly to the 3rd precept.
- 3) good snuggles: I took him into the bedroom and he climbed
into the monster bed with me. He raised his arms over his head as more of a
stretch/relax move. But, that left his chest open for a head to be placed on
it. He gave me some shoulder rubbing and some hair stroking pets… I traced the
lines of his chest, tummy… etc. The way I always do in that position. Then he
put my hand on his cock.
Okay… message
received. Fucking can now commence.
- 4) good sex: His clothes started to come off while I explained
the condom rule. I performed my warm up cock worship. [reminder: that's slowly
kissing my way up a cock from the base of the shaft all the way to the tip… the
tongue swirl around the head… the deep throat to moisten the entire cock to
lubricate for the motion/sucking…. Take cock deep, pull back, tongue swirl, and
deep again. Repeat until needing to stop.
I stopped, he asked
if I had a condom. I grabbed one.
My clothes came off,
he got into position, but the angles were off. That was okay. I knew how to
correct it. I quickly got up and placed one of the gel memory foam pillows on
the bed and then repositioned myself on top of it. Angles correct, we began.
I was NOT shy about
directing him to fuck me hard enough to break me. And YES he did get me
screaming.
But, then he came
super fast, LOL.
He shouted 'Oh
SHIT!' and pulled out. I panicked and thought the condom had broken, or
something. But, no. He was just surprised at how quickly he came.
Meh, oh well.
We snuggled a bit
more and then he took a quick shower and left.
So… that was it…
He fucked me plenty
hard, and for that reason I'd probably see him again. But I don't see
Potential.1 becoming a priority Sweetie any time soon.
I guess I'm okay
with that.
--MY ENTRY MUST
PAUSE HERE--
*Pause Detail*
Potential.2 is
arriving soon - so I will probably continue this update with Potential.2's
encounter report as well.
*UNPAUSE*
Ye Gods… I don't
even have the words for how disappointing Potential.2's encounter was. So, you
know what? I'm actually going to drop his report into the Honorable Mentions…
I'm not interested in seeing him again.
- Updates on
Favorites
- Favorite -
Jasper - Oh… where do I even start.
I'm so worried about
Jasper right now. We chit-chatted a little last night and he came clean with me
about how being with 'someone' 'anyone' 'including me (even though he didn't
specifically say that' only makes him MISS HLS MORE. None of us are her. None
of us can even hope to take his pain. We only serve as not so gentle reminders
that he's not with her, and it's going to be a long time before he's with her
again.
Okay… this hurts.
I'm in Jasper's life
to EASE his pain, not MAKE IT WORSE!
I know he didn't
mean to hurt me, and I don't care about my pain. I'm just so worried about him.
I don't know what
the rules are on love when it comes to Jasper and HLS. I just know that I trust
Jasper with my life and I simply can NOT let someone get that close to me
without beginning to feel a great deal of outwardly directed love.
I'm not falling IN
love with Jasper. This isn't that.
I just love him, and
I want good things for him. And if I'm not a good thing, well then I don't want
me for him.
And here we go again
with the pattern of the favorites being great for me, but shit for them.
I actually don't
know right now if I'm seeing Jasper again.
I would gladly see
him again, don't get me wrong. And I know him well enough to know that he'd eat
a bucket of broken glass before he'd ever disappoint or hurt me. And that's
precisely why I'm considering backing off.
In fact. I think I'd
better. He has too much on his mind right now, and it's probably for the best
for both of us if I just let him initiate contact when he's ready.
No, I'm not even
going to tell him I'm backing off, I'm just going to let him come to me when he
needs me. If he needs me.
I care so much about
him… enough to take whatever pain is necessary to let him go.
Don't worry about
me. In his defense he DID have a really BAD day before he told me about any of
this. So, he might have just been in a DARK MOOD. And I'm okay with that… But,
I just feel like I should let him come to me.
Okay? - *sigh* -
yeah… okay.
- Favorite -
Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers - 13FEB2017 - Potential.2 / DIS-Honorable Mention:
- 1) good company: Okay… what the actual fuck? The whole date was
literally half an hour.
He came in, I took
his coat and hung it up in the front hall closet. I told him to take a seat and
then explained that I was letting him be in control.
- 2) good conversation: We talked about his taste in music for
about five minutes, and then he slid over to kiss me… quick, kisses… then he
moved to undo his belt, and I said 'bedroom'. So, to the bedroom we went.
- 3) good snuggles: We literally skipped this part. I hugged him
and then his clothes were off. Now, granted this has echoes of ANOTHER one
timer from before, and I was FINE with that one… but I’m not okay with this
one.
Anyway…
His clothes came off
and I did a little cock worship with him standing and me sitting on the edge of
the bed… Then my clothes came off. Then he laid sideways on the bed, his knees
over the edge… told me to suck his balls, so I did… until he presented me with
cock. I didn't even do my full 'kiss my way up' cock make out session… He just
tried to tell me that I should massage his balls with one hand while I was
LAYING ON MY AWKWARD ARM, while maintaining grip on his cock with my dominant
hand and keeping him in my mouth.
He tried some face
fucking… whatever.
OKAY, so I will
grant that he got me into more positions than anyone ever has before. I WILL
GIVE HIM THAT.
It's just that I
didn't LIKE any of them.
Okay, so here's what
we worked with.
Me lying on my back
with my head dropped over the edge of the bed so he could throat fuck me that
way…
I couldn't maintain
it.
He came onto the bed
and I stroked his cock (awkward) while he put some fingers inside me… then he
had me lick his fingers off… And I don't disagree with this as a thing. I KNOW
I stay clean specifically for reasons such as this. I stay fresh just in case
anyone's mouth is going near my pussy, including mine. *shrug* I probably just
tasted soap, and not really me.
Uh… then I think
that's when he slid back and told me to get on top.
OKAY, I will grant
that he actually GOT ME ON TOP. Which no one has ever really done. But then I
couldn't maintain that either.
So, off I go… and
now we're diagonal on the bed a little bit and he tries to fuck my mouth again
( I think, it's all still kind of a blur ) so, I told him that I couldn't keep
it up enough to get him off. I grabbed lube, got my hand all slick and started
jacking him…
He told me he was
close, I got the mouth in position, and no cum… ugh…
really?
Then he STANDS and
tells me to get on my KNEES in front of him.
UGH! What EVER!
So, there I am,
kneeling and trying to look up at him while my knees are screaming… and again
we go to the me jerking him and getting ready to swallow…
Mission
accomplished. He came in my mouth. Good for him.
Then he just sat on
the edge of the bed until I asked him to lie back with me.
No snuggles
happened.
YES, YOU HEARD ME
RIGHT!
I just took a load
of this joker's cum in my mouth, and he couldn't even be bothered to snuggle
with me.
Um. NO… just no…
So, we talked about
this upcoming trip he needs to take, and some about his injured finger, and
then he's like "Well, I guess I should get going."
NO, I’m NOT KIDDING!
All together…
30 minutes, tops.
I'm so disgusted.
And, I can't get the
taste of the crappy lube out of my mouth.
I CANCELED ON DUSK
FOR THIS!
OH, WAIT, I FORGOT A
FEW POSITIONS. Hang on:
I don't remember
WHERE in the sequence these happened, BUT:
On my back, him
kneeling, inside me… couldn't even fuck me hard enough to make me scream.
Doggy… I will grant
that he did do some pushing me into the bed and actually moved to pin my wrists
down… this didn't last long.
Me, face down,
perched on the edge of the bed with him standing and plowing me from behind… he
grabbed my wrists and pulled my arms back behind me, which I DID like… but I
kept falling off the edge because I couldn't maintain my balance or stability.
This kept popping him back out of me…
I'm not even going
to bother counting how many new positions this was. I'm just going to say that
none of them worked.
So, he came… he
talked for _maybe_ five/ten more minutes. And then he picked up and left.
I canceled on Dusk
for this?
Really?
I don't actually
plan on re-trying to get Dusk here.
I think I just need
to take the day to be introspective about Jasper some more.
- The Hopefuls
Nothing new to
report.
--
I think I'm just
going to take this as a Sweetie-Free day and get some dishes done or some shit.
I still have the
lube taste in my mouth.
Ew.
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