And, here we are…
last day of February. Spring comes soon, but Bran might not… more on that later
in the entry, I guess…
*sigh*
Here goes:
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - Valkyrie
called in sick today. And she's out next week too. So I'm not even going to see
or hear from her until the 14th. And that sucks… I miss her. But, I'm doing
okay on the mental health stuff, so I'm confident that I'll survive until I see
her again.
- Writing - I
finished adding the storm bits to my chapter one. And now I have the very
daunting task of editing my chapter two. First I need to make sure I get in
there and figure out the target word counts for every chapter. I need to make
sure I'm going to hit my beats on time. Gods, there's just so much that I need
to focus on from the story structure research.
KM says it gets
easier once you've got your system down BEFORE you start writing. But going
BACK is harder.
Fuck.
- Sleep - I
really wish I could say that I slept better last night. Gods this sucks. And,
even worse. The double dose of anti-psychotic that I've been taking to help
myself sleep at night? I just realized that Bubbles changed the prescription
from 60 pills down to 30, so now I'm in serious danger of them running out
before I get it fixed.
Double fuck.
- Fur-babies - Just
one visit yesterday. All Dreamy, no Splotches. Cuddles were most definitely
requested and had. But they were cut a bit short by the arrival of a sweetie.
Dreamy was NOT pleased by this, to say the least. But, got sweetie inside
without Dreamy escaping, and then much to my surprise the sweetie got Dreamy
snuggles too. Dreamy got into my lap, and then to the top of the couch, walked
over and stepped down and laid on the sweetie. OMG, so cute. That sweetie has
some anxiety issues. So, I think Dreamy was just tapping in for him and helping
him as much as he could.
He really is an
amazing therapy cat.
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine - Just
three today, and yes my body/brain is regretting it. I might have to take a
shower soon, just to see if that would help me wake up. If I wait until 11 I
risk running into my productive time and I want to get to that chapter 2
revision today.
RE: Yoga/Movement, Inflammation, Weight - I'm
just going to start taking these out. I'll keep them in the template, but I’m
going to delete them if I don't have anything to report on the day in question.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - So,
we're back to the threat of Bran's return being delayed again.
Fuck fuck fuck
Fuckady fuck Chuck
dammit, fuck
He might miss our
anniversary.
He's trying not to…
but he might miss it…
This is not good.
I'm putting in a
message to Jasper now. I'm going to ask if he'll get me through it. Just asking
of he'll put it on his calendar to get to me that night. I'll ask the Blue
Falcon and probably Cookie and Rain too… just to be sure I can survive this.
(you haven't met Rain, yet. His update is coming in the 'Hopeful's section)
Update: I messaged
the Blue Falcon too. He's penciling me in for both April 2nd and 3rd. Ye Gods,
I love him so fucking much.
I have people who
will get me through this… and I’m pretty sure I'm going to be able to add both
Cookie and Rain to that list as well.
This sucks…
But, at least I have
support.
- The Unicorn -
Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- 1) good company: He was really exhausted when he got to me. The
very first thing he did once I took his coat is he flopped down on his back on
my couch, laying on Bran's memory foam pillow. He apologized for being kind of
a bum, but I'm pretty sure I told him it was okay.
I sat down on the
other end of the couch and Dreamy came around, hopping up into my lap and then
up to the back of the couch. I asked Dreamy if he was jealous of my sweetie and
I guess he wasn't. He was just up there checking him out.
This particular
sweetie has some anxiety issues, and Dreamy must have picked up on that because
he walked right over and climbed down onto the sweeties chest. Laid right down
and started therapy snuggling him.
That was awesome.
- 2) good conversation: The conversation was at it's peak
post-coital and post-sex coma. We talked a lot about his past and who he was
when he was growing up. His ascension event that triggered his empathy, as well
as his growing anxiety issues as a result of his empathy.
It was pretty clear
to me that his anxiety is being spiked because he can sense how much is wrong
with the world around him. I did my best to help. I gave him a back massage and
told him about the 'mindful body meditation' of just focusing on one area of
the body at a time.
He seemed to take
the advice. But, it's hard to tell because I've not heard back from him. I
messaged him my standard thank you, as well as a reminder to do the mindful
body meditation. And, nothing.
I hate it when they
ghost me like that.
- 3) good snuggles: I am not going to lie, he was an amazing
snuggler! He did a lot of wrapping his arms around me and massaging the knots
in my shoulders while I was in his embrace. I did my standard 'running my free
hand' over him… I got some good, soft moans out of him. I was trying not to
push for sex, though, because I knew how tired he was.
There were a couple
of times he got on top of me and started dry humping me. Weird, but okay.
He's a very good
'dirty talker'. Was moaning things about me sucking that cock.
I kept it up until I
got tired, and apologized for not being able to get him to cum.
Then I put some lube
on my hand and went back to stroking him until my arm got tired too…
Then he asked if I
wanted his cock inside me, so of course I said yes.
As usual, I told him
not to hold back. He kept his arms wrapped around the back of my neck and just
pounded the fuck out of me. It was really amazing. The dirty talk continued.
"You like that dick, baby?" "What's the biggest cock you've ever
had?" "You want me fucking you?"
I told him about
Bran's cock without mentioning Bran. Bran is the biggest.
"Did you cum
all over that cock?"
"Actually, I
don't cum. But I enjoy the ride."
"Yeah? I think
I’m going to cum now."
"Please
do!"
So, he did… it was
lovely.
Then that's when all
the cuddling and talking happened. It was pretty wonderful. But, he had to get
going so he could see his kids before they went to bed. Totally understandable.
Just wish he would have responded to at least one message by now.
- Updates on
Favorites
- Jasper - I'm
trying really hard not to squee the fuck out of things when Jasper checks in.
He goes dark so often. Which I know he hates as much as I do. He's made that
pretty clear.
We're both having
rough times right now. We're both expressing that we'd love to be of more help
to each other, and I think we both accept our limits on what we can or can't do
from a distance.
Update: I just heard
back from him regarding the extra support around mine and Bran's anniversary.
He says he'll do his best.
He really is
wonderful. I wish he was so much closer and with a less crazy work schedule.
Anything to see him again and ease his pain. Anything to see him again and have
him ease my pain.
Don't get me wrong,
I have others, but Jasper is so special to me. I know you know why.
- Blue Falcon -
I pinged the Blue Falcon on being with me around the 2nd and the 3rd of
April too. He's already penciled me in for both dates.
So, there you have
it. I have support.
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers - I'm really hoping last nights adventure wasn't a one time
thing. But, we all probably know that it is.
- The Hopefuls
- And here we go:
I don't even know
how long we've been chatting. It feels like forever but I know it really hasn't
been that long.
He reminds me of
Jasper a little bit.
He's a super strong
empath and a good reader of people, even over distances. He knew I was broken
the second he started talking to me and he's been overcome with this intense
desire to help me in any way that he can.
Okay, you know me, I
do NOT fucking let myself trust anyone this early on!
I've especially
learned my lesson on assigning code names before the second date.
But he's just so
comforting… like rain against my window.
He sees me exactly the same way that Daniel sees Jessa. Tough, Open, Damaged.
He's coming over
after he's done with work today.
Strong arms… strong
cuddles… white chocolate popcorn and Supernatural.
I've already vowed
not to shut him out. As scary as it is to get my hopes up about another Peter/Daniel... I know that's where this is is going.
I can just feel it…
coming at me in waves… how much easing my pain means to him. And, neither of us
really understand what's behind that desire for him.
I have my suspicions
that it could be Bastian again, just like it was with Bran.
Rain is only 18
years old… But, he's so much more advanced than his age would betray.
I don't know. I just
can't hide from him and I don't want to.
I hate it that I've
let him in so hard already. I know he has so much power to break me further.
But, I'm sure you all know what it is that I'm really hoping for here.
I hope he's the one
who will look me in the eyes and say 'no, you're not' when I lie and say that
I'm okay.
I need that…
permission to cry… just once… I really need someone to pull the pain out of me.
Just once…
Can Rain make my
tears fall like rain?
I don't know…
I really don't know…
But, I also really
hope so…
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