Exhausted today...

Ugh… rough start to the day today. I forgot that I had to get up stupid early and I forgot to offset that by going to bed early last night.

I was supposed to have a date last night. First timer from FetLife. But, he never checked in and never came over. I wanted to use that time to meet with Superman (new code name, he was in a previous entry but I only just now named him), but Superman was busy last night.

I chatted a little on OKC, but mostly I just stayed in with my giant bowl of popcorn and Supernatural. Not to mention still dipping into my boxed chocolates.  :)

So, I'm super tired today… I don't think I'll be getting any work done. My brain just won't be in it. *poo*

And, onto the update:

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I’m starting to even out on the thing with Jasper. Little dialogs are happening in my head, which tells me I'm close to writing a Ghost Story about him. But, I think I'm actually more in the mood to be honest with him and let it play out on its own. Eventually I will write, but it will probably be closer to the truth than anything I'd want to make up.

 - Writing - I'm still really on hold with this. Between Sweeties, research, and writing critiques. I'm just not down for anything new right now.

 - Sleep - It was so stupid of me to not go to bed early last night. Also, I did run out of water in the middle of the night but I was too lazy to get up for the refill. Also, I'm low on sleep meds and just found out today that they need to request refills from the prescribing doctor. - This is the SUCK! That means I might go without my meds for a bit. Shit.

 - Fur-babies - Already had one visit today. Hopefully they'll come back later.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Same. Solid at 3 cups, even when still tired.

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - Same. Still on the depressive down turn.

 - Inflammation - Same. Running low on supplement

 - Weight Management - Same. Running low on appetite suppressant, might not be able to afford the refill.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - he didn't even call me yesterday… not once… this should bother me but mostly I'm just 'meh' about it. *shrug*

 - The Unicorn - Next update will be about her IEP meeting, next Thursday.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - I had an encounter just a little bit ago. I really should give him a code name because this makes at least twice that he's been a good cuddle/Sweetie. But, for some reason I'm just too tired to think of anything right now.

    - 1) good company: He gives really good cuddle. He's BIG without being FAT. Built kind of like a bear. It's nice. He's very squishy.

    - 2) good conversation: We kept it pretty light. I just couldn't think of much to say. Just talked about recent job/work stuff. I told him a little bit about what's up with Jasper. It's getting easier and easier to talk about that. So, I know I'm healing.

    - 3) good snuggles: See above, RE: total teddy bear.

    - 4) good sex: We mostly snuggled. He asked if I had enough energy to kiss and so we made out a little bit. Then he told me that I'd gotten him in the mood for more than just kissing. I said that was okay and it was kind of expected. He asked me to blow him, which I had no problem with. You all know how much I love to cock worship. I really got him going with the deep throat, pull back, swirl tongue technique. He really liked it.

But, my energy level did fail me. So, I suggested that I get a condom and he agreed. But, as he was jerking to stay hard while I got the condom, he came so close to cumming that he asked if that was okay. I just got my mouth back around the head of his cock and let him jerk right into my mouth.

One thing I love about him is how hard he cums. He makes these deep, purring moans. It's really lovely.

Then I heard Catmom outside and I knew I'd be getting a visit from the fur-babies soon. So he and I both got dressed and he pretty much grabbed his coat, hugged me and left.

I’m okay with this. Dates with him are usually fast, but he gives GOOD cuddle. So, I never feel used.

 - Updates on Favorites

 - Jasper - He had to cancel on seeing me this weekend. Which gives me a sad, of course, but I understand. The new job wants him there early tomorrow morning. I told him not to worry about it because we both knew he might not be able to come out this weekend.

So, while I was waiting at my appointment earlier, I sent him this:

I know the new work schedule will take some getting used to. But if you find that you're having weekdays off instead of weekends, that's still fine. I will shift anything I have to and make time for you. No pressure. I know sex makes you feel like you've taken an auger to the chest. We can just talk and cuddle. I'm totally fine with ramping back to something less painful for you. You're still my friend and I love you. No matter what.​

So, there you have it. It's all out in the open. Now he knows how I feel about sex hurting him and he knows that I don't want that for him. These are the things that have been conversations in my head. But, I'm not holding back with him the way that I did with the Dragon. I'm letting him know how I feel up front.

The rest really is his decision.

I will still try to hold him back if he tries to get sexual with me. But, if he insists… I guess I'll have to let him take that one for the team. It will be hard. But, he's an adult. It's his decision. I hope he won't hurt himself for me. But if that's what he wants, I don't think I can resist him enough to stop him.

THERE! I said it! - *IF* he tries to have sex with me. I will NOT be able to stop him.

I want him too much.

 - Blue Falcon - We've actually been texting a little bit!!  *smile*  This makes me happy. He hasn't asked for another date, but I'm sure he will soon. It's just super awesome to know that he's still with me.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - I've actually been hearing from Copperhead today… weird. Not sure how I feel about that.

 - The Hopefuls - I've been chit chatting with someone that I'm not super physically attracted to. But, I like his mind. So, I’m hoping to get past any aversions when it comes to him.

And, therein lies the update.

Still super tired.

Still missing Jasper more than anything.