I will never give up on him... never...

This song...

Ye Gods... it came across my Pandora a few days ago. I think it was right after Jasper told me that it actually does him more harm than good to have a playmate.

This fucking thing hit me like an auger to the chest. I physically felt the hole that it tore out of me.

This song is exactly how I feel about Jasper.

And I can't tell him.

I can't ever tell him.

He would only think that I'm falling in love with him. And I'm not.

I have love for him. YES! I will admit that fully. But, I'm not IN love with him. In love belongs to HLS and it will always only belong to HLS.

But I love the way Jasper makes me feel... oh god... I'm crying now.

The way he held me down... the way he said that I could fight him as much as I wanted to... I don't think anyone else but him would ever understand what that did to me. And I know he knows that I need more of that.

But, I cant.

Not ever again.

It hurts him too much to play with anyone else. Any time he plays with someone, it hits him like an auger to the chest.

Both of us would sooner eat buckets of broken glass before we'd hurt each other.

So, I just feel that I HAVE to take this hit, for both of us.

I have more options available to me than he does. I have that line of young men stretching around the block. And one of them is bound to take direction and hold me down the way that Jasper did.

Jasper's options are limited. I'm probably one of the few women on the planet who would volunteer to be with him and who would be loyal to the very end for him.

I will always have others.

Jasper probably isn't as lucky.

So, I'll take the hit. I will be 'just a friend' because he needs that more than he needs a lover right now.

I will never give up on him.

Never.