Don't lick the flight risk...

Due to the fact that I have two absolutely amazing sweeties on my side, the catastrophic pain my Kohai caused me is already a distant emotion. The Blue Falcon came over right after work and then Bear came over later in the evening and stayed until 2 am. Both gave me the cuddles and snuggles I needed to soothe the hurt over my Kohai.

*sigh*

My Kohai?

Can I really even call him that anymore? I don't really think that's what he wants. At least not in the same way that I want it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – You might remember that doe to some scheduling conflicts on Valkyries end today, my regular therapy appointment was actually moved to yesterday. So, I was able to tell her all about the huge fucking mistake I made with Kohai.

Yeah, I think that works. I think I’m just going to use 'Kohai' as his code name and take the 'my' out of it.  

Anyway.

The truth of the matter is that I wanted him to trust me. I wanted him to let me in. I wanted him to allow himself to love me.  

Okay, so that's a two way door, and by wanting those things I left myself completely vulnerable with him. The same way I wanted him to be vulnerable so I could NOT hurt him, but help him. I was vulnerable and he HURT me.  

That kind of vulnerability doesn't go away. Once that chink in the amour is there, it stays. So, I asked Valkyrie what I should do, and she told me I had to cut all ties with him. In fact, she wanted me to cut ties with him long before this ever happened. Since he's so flighty/flaky - she never felt that I would be safe with him, and she was right.

She is right.

And herein lies the problem.

Letting him go is going to be HARD.

For starters, there's the Senpai/kohai relationship that I really loved and that will always be unique to him. There will never be another Kohai for me. That part of me will always belong to him.

Then there was the fact that I fucking WANTED him! I had just a small taste of what intimacy would be with him and I wanted to devour the whole fucking menu. I wanted him inside me... I wanted to scream for him...  

None of that can happen now and I feel... deprived.

I feel like I've missed out on something truly special.

That small taste was my undoing! Know what Valkyrie told me?

"Don't lick the flight risk."

I need that on a T-Shirt, like NOW. I need a reminder to never get tied up with someone like Kohai ever again.

Now... Kohai didn't try to contact me yesterday, even though he'd implied on Sunday that he'd come back to hang out again. So, with any luck he's just going to ghost me and I'll have plenty of time to harden my heart before he tries to make trouble again.

Thank the gods for healthy attachments and worthy snuggles.

- Writing – Still on hold.

- Reading – I started a new book/series - I apparently downloaded the 7th book in the series, but the rest are all on Kindle Unlimited, so that's okay. I made it through chapter 1 before the depression closed in and made reading hard. *sigh* I don't know... I hope I'm able to get into it. Or something. I don't want the depression to take reading away from me, because that would well and truly SUCK.

- Sleep / Fitbit – Readings are off again... I went to bed some time after 2 am and finally drug my worthless ass out of bed around 12:30 – It was worth it, though.

- Fur-babies – I ran into Catmom yesterday and told her about my writing chair breaking. So I let her know she just has to knock louder to get my attention. She says Splotches has come to my door a couple of times. It would be nice to spend some time with the kitties again.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

HAH!

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – So he FINALLY checked in!! *growl* - as it turns out he had laryngitis, so he couldn't talk on the phone. And (according to him) the antibiotics they put him on knocked him on his ass so hard that he couldn't even reach out via Snap or text.

I'm not sure how much I believe all that. But, whatever. There's nothing I can do about it. It just is what it is.  

He also hasn't met with the landlord yet. Apparently he's still out of state dealing with family... so... I might as well just get used to the fact that Bran probably isn't coming home until Spring.

*sigh*

Thank the gods I have someone like Bear now. His cuddles are amazing. He can sustain me for quite a while. I have a feeling I'm going to be relying on him a lot more in the coming months.

- The Unicorn – And on today's edition of Guilt Trip Theater, I was so wrapped up in my own bullshit yesterday that I forgot her fucking birthday!!

Worst.

Mother.

Ever.

I put it on my calendar to call her tonight. I'll explain about Kohai when she comes to see me this weekend.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

- Recent Encounters – See Below:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – My luscious Blue Falcon showed up straight after work. We hugged and he took his shoes off. He told me to talk to him. I started running down the list of details on what's been going on while I brought him back to the Chamber of Snuggles. So, tooth, PMS/PMDD, PTSD nightmare, Bran going MIA, and finally leading up to what happened with Kohai.  

He told me that the only healthy way to have gone into the date with Kohai would have been with a healthy dose of nihilism.

Then Bran called and they ended up chatting a bit. Now, this is where I get confused because the Blue Falcon seems to think that Bran expressed some irritation over the fact that they were talking instead of the Blue Falcon shutting up so Bran could talk to me. So, I'll have to ask Bran about that and then extend the Blue Falcon's apologies again if need be.

Bran got home, so he let me go.

Blue Falcon and I got comfortable. Meaning we both stripped down to the skin. We cuddled and talked. I can't even remember all of what we talked about, but that's the way it is with us. We're usually pretty all over the place.

I lamented that one of the worst parts of what happened with Kohai is that he'd gotten me worked up and now I was horny. The Blue Falcon begged off of coitus, explaining that his arms/shoulders were sore and he didn't want to put any pressure on them.

Tee hee...

One of the things I truly love about the Blue Falcon is that his logical forebrain can be so sure that we're not going to have sex. And I can agree with all of that and be fine with it.

But then his lizard brain will kick in and he ends up getting hard anyway. Then he likes to thump me with is penis. I don't even think it registers to him that the penis thumping is just shy of foreplay with him. It's his lizard brain way of saying 'dick hard, fuck now'.  

So, I commented that he was thumping me with his penis, and he said that it was a fun toy to play with. I agreed that it is indeed a fun toy to play with and then I reached down and started stroking it.

When I put some pressure into my grip, he told me that it felt good... so I kept going.

Next thing I know, I'm on my back and he's kissing me with all this passion while his fingers are inside me making sure I’m wet for him and then BAM... he's inside me...  

He didn't last long, though. LOL... too much foreplay, I guess.

YES, it hurt his arms, and I apologized for short circuiting him into having sex, but he just blew it off. We cuddled some more and it was good.  

He didn't really want to stay too late, though. He doesn't live in the best neighborhood and he doesn't like getting home after dark. So we ended our date.

- Sweeties -

- Bear – Earlier in the day, before the Blue Falcon arrived, I'd also sent a text to Bear telling him that I needed him in the Chamber of Snuggles as soon as possible too. This kicked us into a text conversation right after the Blue Falcon left and I'd explained to Bear that even though the Blue Falcon's cuddles kill pain instantly, Bears cuddles actually sustain me longer.

He fucking LOVED hearing that.

Guys like Bear... they give and they give and they give, and they just end up being taken advantage of and used. That's not what I want for him, for us, for me and him.  

All he wants is to feel appreciated, so I make it a point to let him know how much I appreciate him. And it's absolutely true. Blue Falcon can keep me going for a few days before I get hungry again, if I'm mostly okay going in. If I'm not okay I can still be unsatisfied even after snuggles with him.  

Bear, though. His snuggles can keep me fed for a good long while as long as I don't hit any triggers that drain me dry.

He loved finding out that he helps me that much.

So, he told me he had some errands to run, but he could come over too. YAY!

He got to me about 9 pm.

We HUGGED! - Gods he's an excellent hugger.

We took it straight to the chamber of snuggles and I had him try some of the chocolate he bought me, as well as one that I'd bought for myself. Then we got into position to watch more Dollhouse. We made it through two episodes before I needed to ramp up and intensify the cuddles.  

That matured into me using my soft touch on him a lot, and also telling him how lucky I feel to have him in my life.

He told me that in his whole life, maybe two people had used the word 'lucky' with him, and I was one of them. So, I got honest about wanting him to feel appreciated and not used. And then I just touched him and let him soak up some attention for a while.

After that we transitioned into kissing. He loves to kiss.

Then we moved onto some interesting dry humping.  

I had told him that I wasn't opposed to sex with him and that I didn't want him to feel deprived of pleasure... somehow we only made it as far as the dry humping, though. So, not sure what that was all about. Maybe he just didn't want sloppy seconds? Probably valid!!

Anyway... he finally got tired and said he needed to be going.

I asked about screaming and he said that he was tired, and next time. He said he might even come by again this week. That would be nice!! I would love to see him again.

Like I said... I'm probably going to be needing him a LOT.

I don't think Bran is coming home any time soon.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

- The One-Timers – Nothing...

- The Hopefuls - … new to...

- Honorable Mentions - … report.

End Notes:  

So that's it...  

The tremendous affection of two wonderful sweeties in one night and I can barely feel the hurt over Kohai anymore.  

I still WANT Kohai...  

But I don't expect that desire to stay for much longer.

My sweeties will burn it out of me long before Kohai comes slinking back towards me again.

I'm good with that.