I’m still having twinges of desire for Kohai... I'm pretty sure that's still normal. I try to squish them as quickly as possible and think about the good things I already have in my life. I try to refocus on Bear and the Blue Falcon instead, but my mind seems to want to slowly drift back to the sexual fantasies of wondering what it could/would have been like with Kohai.
It's a fools game.
I can't let it happen.
Even if I tried to justify that I could handle it by taking the Blue Falcon's advice to go in with complete and utter nihilism, I know I couldn't maintain that sense of absolute detachment. Especially not once things got naked. So, I'd only end up hurt again. And then angry at myself again.
No. It's a bad idea.
But the sexual fantasies are there.
It's probably a good thing, though. I think I can use that pain to turn it around into a Ghost Story. It would give me a way to process things. :)
We'll see.
Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Therapy – The depression isn't really crushing me right now... even with the recent events with Kohai. I firmly blame Bear and the Blue Falcon for this. The care and attention I received from the both of them on Monday night was exactly what I needed to feel better, not just about Kohai, but about a lot of things.
I do admit that Bear's cuddles sustain me longer than the Blue Falcon's, though. And I'm going to call that a rock solid good thing because I see Bear being around as a lover a lot longer than the Blue Falcon. I think Bear is going to be the one to console me when I lose the Blue Falcon to his mate.
I'm okay with this.
- Writing – Still on hold. - But we'll see what happens if I can't quell these sexual fantasies over Kohai... If I end up needing to pull a Ghost Story from that, I will.
- Reading – I didn't do any reading yesterday. I have some time in waiting rooms today, so I'll see if this new book can capture me or not.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 7 hours 43 minutes, 2x awake, 22x restless, 59 minutes awake/restless... yikes! Rough night!!
- Fur-babies – Nothing new to report.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Blood Sugar – 136 – still a little high...
- INR – Test today – let's hope for no extra puncture wounds!
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – He got to call me twice yesterday. Once last night as he was making a Subway run. It was really nice to hear his voice again.
We're both unhappy with the current landlord/lease situation and beginning to face the harsh reality that he might be trapped up north for another whole winter.
This does not bode well for me... for us... for him...
I'm not going to end the relationship or anything radical like that. But I am going to end up trapped in this depression for a lot longer than I was hoping.
I don't know what else to do... there's nothing I can do... this is still being done to me... there is still no escape from this.
I wish he never would have left.
- The Unicorn – We got a chance to talk over the phone last night and I told her how sorry I was that I forgot her birthday. I didn't give her all the details on what happened with Kohai, but I told her I was getting emergency cuddles from Bear and the Blue Falcon to help me deal with it.
We talked about what's going on with her at school and that the Blue Falcon is going to be my date for her winter concert in early December.
Also, she has these next few days off of school!!
She's asking her dad if she can come over and start the weekend early.
Here's hoping!!
Relationships / Sweeties:
[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]
- Recent Encounters – Nothing new to report.
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon – I really want to be with him again... my libido has been kicking up a few notches and I'll be the first to admit that the Blue Falcon is an amazing lover.
*pant*pant*pant* want.
- Sweeties -
- Bear – I want Bear too...
I'm not sure, but I think we're getting close to coitus.
And even if we're not, I still love the way he makes me scream.
I know I'm getting close to loving him... I'm not going to be able to hold back on that for much longer.
Gods...
He still fucking amazes me.
He got past all my walls and defenses. He overrode my lack of physical attraction. He just staked his claim on me and took what he wanted... and I fucking love him for it. He wasn't content in the friend zone I tried to put him in and he found a way around it.
I'm glad he's persistent.
Relationships / Just Friends:
I've archived my Facebook Messenger chat with Kohai... I just don't want to even look at his face when I have the messenger open on my laptop.
I won't let him go as a friend if we end up talking again.
But I can't afford the luxury of letting him get close as a lover again.
Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:
- The One-Timers – Nothing...
- The Hopefuls - … new to...
- Honorable Mentions - … report.
End Notes:
To be honest I'm not really expecting to hear from Kohai again. At least not for a very long time. I know him, he's deep in his dark hole again. He's hiding from me and probably from everyone else. If I messaged him now, he wouldn't even reply.
*sigh*
I forgive him.
I still love him.
I'm just stuck in the hell of knowing that I'll always be vulnerable to him and that he'll always have the ability to hurt me whenever he runs away again.
Gods...
Vulnerability sucks!
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