Shields up, as they say.

As of last night it's been a week since Kohai pulled his little stunt, running away screaming with his tail between his legs. I haven't heard a peep out of him. I even checked the archived conversation in Facebook just to make double sure he hadn't tried to contact me. He has not tried to get in touch...

To be honest, I don't think he will try to get in touch for months, if ever. Which is good. He'll give me a lot of space to get the healing I need to get over him. It might actually take me a bit to stop thinking about him. My own damn fault. I let him in. I regret my vulnerability now more than ever. I chose to give it up to someone unworthy and now I'm paying the price.

I'm pretty sure my safest course of action is to just remain inactive. I have the Blue Falcon, and I have Bear... Maybe that should be enough for me for right now. Maybe this is the best time for me to simply retreat behind my walls and not come out again until Bran comes home.

Shields up, as they say.

Yes, I'm aware of the fact that this makes me just as bad as Kohai. All he does is run and hide and now I'm pretty much doing the same thing.

So, I want to clarify that I'm not closing my borders to EVERYONE, but I am going to be very careful about who I let pass. If someone approaches me the way the Bear did, chances are pretty good that he'll get through. But the ones that don't put in that level of effort aren't going to get much out of me. And yeah, that sucks for them if they were actually serious about starting some sort of relationship, but most of them just want to use me for sex, so I don't have a lot of sympathy for anyone right now.

It's just the way it is.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – I am freshly cuddled, so I'm really okay today. Not alive enough to write or anything seriously okay like that, but enough to be out of the abyss and to get through my day unscathed. I'll be okay on my own today and that's the best I can ask of myself. At least it's a weekday and that means I might hear from Bran. - Real therapy is tomorrow. Not even sure what we'll talk about. I'm doing alright. I'm not great, but I'm not in the pit of despair either... that's just going to have to be good enough for now.

- Writing – Still on hold.

- Reading – I got in one chapter of my book last night while I was eating something before going to bed... not sure how much reading I'll do today. I got to bed kind of late and I woke up at my usual time, so I might be too tired to read today.

- Sleep / Fitbit – Speaking of tired: 6 hours 45 minutes, 2x awake, 13x restless, 39 minutes awake/restless - yeah... I'm definitely feeling a nap later on today.

- Fur-babies – Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Blood Sugar – 131 – better, but not best.

- Exercise/Yoga - I think I understand where the bulk of my reluctance is coming in here... I only have two days out of the week where I'm not doing something... so it seems pointless to only exercise two days a week... or am I making excuses?

I'm probably making excuses.

- Weight Management – I'm checking this on Wednesday. I'm not expecting good news.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He's been Snapping this morning, which is really nice. It's great to have that feeling that he's not forgotten me and that he's thinking of me.

I toggle back and forth between hopeful and hopeless when it comes to him... I just can't wrap my head around him coming home or not... I know it will happen... I'm just scared about how long it's going to actually take.

At least I have Bear now. He's been really great at helping me survive the separation and the distance from Bran. The Blue Falcon helps too, but I'll be the first to admit that I draw more strength from Bear.

*sigh*  

I just wish Bran was already home...

So much less suffering would be happening if he were simply home already.

- The Unicorn - It was bittersweet saying goodbye to the Unicorn last night. We'd spent all day going back and forth between Angel and Voltron. We're up to season 2 in Voltron now, so that's cool. She got to meet BEAR!! Unfortunately, he had a lot going on yesterday and he didn't make it over until she was just about to leave, but he's going to try to make it over sooner the next time she's here.   

I miss her now. I miss her the way I always do when we've gotten extra time together. I sometimes wonder if we'll ever make up for all the time we've lost. I know she feels it too. The sense of injustice. The lost time...  

I wonder if we'll ever make up for it.

I wonder when it will just be me and her against the world...

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

- Recent Encounters – Nothing new to report.

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

- Bear – We pounded down three more episodes of Dollhouse before we retired to just snuggles. At some point it really seemed as if he was fading out, so I just tapped out the light, content to just fade out as much as I could with him. And then he had other ideas.  

That's when he got around to making me scream for him.

He loves to make me scream.

Sometimes I wish he'd just fuck me so that he could get in some of his own pleasure too, but it never seems to go that way.

After the screaming there were more snuggles, and then he eventually said he should be going. It was our standard date, we were together for about 5 hours.

I really enjoy my time with him.

Although I really do wish he'd shave... it's seriously like trying to kiss a wire brush.

Meh... I'll survive.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Bear and I talked a little bit about how I DO have friends, it's just that they're all really long distance. He commented that he hoped they're not TOO far away and that's when I said Marbella, Spain and Taipei, Taiwan. This led to me telling him the stories about how a clunky little, ancient Facebook game gave me one of my best online friends. And also the story of how BEER saved the universe.

Yes, beer.

It's a good story... you all should hear it sometime, LOL.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

- The One-Timers – Nothing...

- The Hopefuls – … new to...

- Honorable Mentions – … report.

End Notes:  

Part of me wonders if I should actually give a shit about Kohai.

Part of me feels like I shouldn't abandon him as a friend, because he must need friends he can trust, right?

But I trusted him and he abandoned me, so how good of a friend will he ever really be to me anyway?

Isn't it just safer for me to wash my hands of him and walk away?

Shouldn't I just block him and be done with it? Is there some reason why I'm still leaving him an 'in'?

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I let this go?