What the fuck, Kohai?

I should probably start by not blaming or shaming my Kohai. I don't think any of what happened to me (internally) yesterday was his fault. He may have been the external catalyst in that 'straw that broke the camel's back' sort of way, but none of that is really on him. I love him and I forgive him for what happened.

So, we break it down.

• The PTSD nightmare that sucked me dry and took away all of Bear's cuddles and hugs.
• The fact that I've not heard a peep out of Bran in days.
• The PMS/PMDD that's been fucking with my emotions and my abilities to process things.

These were all factors here.

So, to my Kohai's credit, he did actually show up. I was fucking elated. He actually fucking showed up. I was so happy.

Gods is he cute/sexy.

I got him inside and we took care of getting the 12-pack of coke in the fridge and the bottle of Two Gingers whiskey in the freezer (both of which are still there). I also got a pizza in the oven because he had told me he'd be hungry. Then I hugged him. OMG, he smelled so fucking good.

He picked out a movie... we cuddled... there was kissing. There was my soft touch and his reacting to it... I was seriously turning him on.

The movie was TERRIBLE. I was so sure we were going to proceed to the Chamber of Snuggles after that I even went and removed the …  I mean, I took care of the blockage because my Kohai had implied that my bleeding wouldn't prevent sex from being a thing.

I came out of the bathroom, he came back from his cigarette...

And then he packed his shit and left.

Keep in mind that the original plan was for him to spend the night!!

He just left.

He excused himself by saying that he'd drunk too much of another alcohol earlier and he wasn't feeling well and he needed to lay down and sleep it off. I offered to let him do that at my place, and he told me he'd already called for his Uber...  

And he just... fucking left.

I was completely devastated.  

I still am.

I immediately went to text Bear, but he's out of town.

I put in an emergency cuddle request to the Blue Falcon and he's coming over tonight.

Again, I don't blame or shame the Kohai... he was uncomfortable and he did what he felt was the right thing for him. He's not responsible for me or my tortured heart. But all the same:

What the fuck, Kohai?

Just, what the fuck?

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – There is some good news in the sense that things got juggled a little this week and I see Valkyrie today instead of tomorrow. I guess she and I will have things to discuss. The most disturbing thing for me right now is realizing that I'm in love with my Kohai, and he's not making himself out to be a very safe person to be in love with right now. I need to be pulling back and raising the shields on the trust issues, not letting him in further!

I'm really curious to find out what she'll say about all that.

Blue Falcon too. I'm sure he'll waggle the mighty Jew finger at me when I tell him what trouble my heart is getting me into now.

Fuck.

- Writing – Still on hold.

- Reading – I'll be looking for a new book today.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 8 hours 17 minutes, 3x awake, 16x restless, 47 minutes awake/restless. - and thank the gods for sleep meds – if I would have had to try sleeping alone last night without them, I would have been crying myself to dehydration headaches and 'I can't breathe' sinus clogs all night.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Yeah... fuck off.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Still nothing out of him. *scowl*

- The Unicorn – She's officially 14 today!! - I'll have to remember to call her later. Maybe when the Blue Falcon gets here so he can wish her a happy birthday too.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

- Recent Encounters – This is the hard part... knowing that I opened myself up. Knowing that I trusted someone. I let someone in and it got me hurt, AGAIN! Also knowing that it hurt worse because of the emotional attachment. I shouldn't have done that...  

So, what do I do now?

Pull back and raise the shields?

Or stay open?

Fuck.

I hate this shit.

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – At least I have him tonight. And him I can trust. Him I can love...  

- Sweeties -

- Bear – At some point I’m going to have to figure out my level of emotional attachment here too. It feels like it's been a slow build. I've only just recently gotten to the place where I 'miss' him... so, I'm pretty sure love isn't far off.

It took me weeks... maybe even months to fall in love with the Blue Falcon. So, I shouldn't be surprised that I’m guarding my heart a little with Bear here too.

Makes my unguarded heart with my Kohai all that much more stupid, doesn't it?

Relationships / Just Friends:

I'm pretty sure Pathfinder will check on me today.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

- The One-Timers – Nothing...

- The Hopefuls - … new to...

- Honorable Mentions - … report.

End Notes:  

So, where do we even go from here?

I don't even fucking know?

Do I reach out to my Kohai and check on him? Or do I let him hide in his hole until he's ready to come out again?

Do I hide in my hole until my shields are back up? Or do I try to bring him back and give him something to love in return?

Fuck.