I thought I'd finished Half God Half Devil* last night, but the voices continued to supply me with the bits of dialog that I'd missed. I guess there's still a lot more that needed to be said. I’m in total agreement with the voices there. I also needed to get my two cuddling, and I'd neglected to do that too. Maybe even some more kissing as well. Something to really show that romance blooming.
I think that I need my love interest much more floored by the carful attentions my protagonist put into hunting her. My love interest needed to be the one being chased for once, so it makes sense that I should show her swooning over the realization that it had finally happened to her. That the need had been fulfilled.
*I do want to make it clear once again (and probably not for the last time) that Half God Half Devil is a work of pure fiction. It's an original recipe Ghost Story, meaning it's fueled by my own unrequited desires, (not a writing prompt) but that's where it ENDS.
It's JUST a fantasy.
I'm just trying to get something that's *in* my head *out*.
I'm trying to reclaim my own mind from this obsession so I have room to breathe and think about other important things again.
I don't even know if it will work.
But, I feel like I still have to try.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy – I did see Bubbles yesterday. We talked about the catastrophic failure of removing that one psyche med and how it so negatively impacted my sleep. So, yeah, we're keeping that one as is. There is another med we're not sure if I need or not. I'm to go down to half tablets for four days, then off, and see how that feels.
Then it was off to see Valkyrie.
I told her about the 51-days. I told her about how this thing happened to me in order to test my ability to love again, and especially to love a woman. Then, during our discussion, I sound boarded the reason why this obsession hasn't eased up one little bit. (so, suck it Ghost Story, you're probably not going to help).
I realized the real reason I'm hanging onto this feeling.
It's my proof that the Screeching Harpy didn’t break me.
She hurt me, yes.
She traumatized me to the point where I still have nightmares, yes.
She fucking destroyed what little trust I'd actually placed in Bran, yes.
But, she didn't break me.
I can still love, despite all that pain and trauma.
Sooo, okay... Half God Half Devil is still a work of fiction, but I just realized it's not going to help make the emotions go away. I'm clinging to them as if they are life itself.
Okay... we get it.
Now, can I separate the treasure of my ability to love from the target of that love?
I think that's where I need to take it next.
- Writing – We've been covering this.
- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 31 minutes, 8x awake, 12x restless, 41 minutes awake/restless.
- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Scanners – I still think I need to see a masseuse about the back pain... I need to remind myself to ask my primary for a referral.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – I hate it when he leaves and takes forever to come home. *sigh* Logically I know he's just bopping around and looking at things, because that's who he is and that's what he does. But, emotionally I can't shake the idea that he's on the phone and talking to the Screeching Harpy.
And yet, why should that even bother me? I know there was/is(?) a plan to keep using her for a supplemental paycheck. So, what the fuck do I care if he keeps leading her on?
His stamina is proof that they were done a long time ago.
Meh!
--
There were SO MANY morning cuddles.
I really need to tell my negative brain to shut the fuck up about him.
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Sweeties -
Nothing new to report.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
Okay... so, now that I've had the epiphany that my 'crush' isn't going anywhere because I'm clinging to it as a form of life affirmation...
How do I resolve the conflict there?
Do I keep trying to dismiss her, as if she's truly unimportant? Because that's not the case at all. I just want her to be happy in her life and I feel like she doesn’t want me anyway. So, I'm trying to let her go because I don't want her to hate me for loving her.
Or, do I really keep holding on? Because, honestly, that's really what I want to do.
In the past, she's expressed an intense longing to feel wanted by someone having a crush on her. She's stated that she's done chasing and she wants to be the one getting chased.
I'm MORE than fucking willing to crush on her and chase her... especially if it will make her feel loved and wanted.
I just don't think she wants me back.
So...
Yeah...
I guess I just wish I could tell her how I feel so she could either be flattered by it... or so she could tell me to fuck right the hell off and then block me on all social media.
--
Oh, the other thing I realized?
The Cassandra Complex?
It doesn't apply anymore.
I figured out a way around it.
The only reason it existed in the first place was because I knew I could never give her 'mate level' status and that I would always choose Bran over her in that regard.
But D/s is a parallel to life bonds.
The way I would love her as my Domme would be in a way that I couldn't love anyone else. Ever. Past or present. Not even future.
That's hers.
I'm pretty fucking sure it always has been.
