... sorry for my groggy thoughts...

Coffee and Contemplation (for those of you who might not know) is this morning routine of mine where I start the day by relaxing with ONE episode of a show, coffee, and yarn. The whole reason I started doing this is that I realized I was getting to these blog entries way too early in the day and my brain wasn't awake enough to string two coherent thoughts together, much less write something profound about my life or my experiences with my mental illnesses.  

This has its drawbacks on weekdays, because I seem to be just getting to the journal entry portion about the time that Bran is waking up, and then it's nothing but distraction after distraction and I'm still not stringing two coherent thoughts together. But, if I wait until he's at work... that doesn't leave me enough time to have everything done and posted before I have to run off to do my own things.

Weekends are a whole different animal when it's my visitation with the Unicorn.

Today I'm skipping Coffee and Contemplation completely and coming directly here. My time with her is way too important, so I need to get this out of the way.

The point being... sorry for my groggy thoughts today.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – For the most part, I seem to be okay so far today... I think the headache might be creeping up on me again, though. Mental Health wise, though... no complaints.

Okay, the fixation put me in a dark'ish place, but I'll cover that in Cuddle Crush's section down below. It started with a favor Bran asked of me, so I'll mention that part in his section.

- Writing – When I start writing these Mental Health Resources Pages, that will count as writing.

- Reading – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy – As much as I love my BonBon Waffles, I'm probably going to have to start on Aquatic Therapy Stripes next.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 7 hours 11 minutes, 2x awake, 13x restless, 43 minutes awake/restless - Bran getting this weekend job is going to do wonders for getting me to bed earlier.

- Fur-babies – No Dreamy yesterday. Which was fine. I needed a nap and a shower anyway.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

We'll get there, folks... we'll get there.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Many many moons ago, I was in art school. Bran had inspired me to further my education, which I loved. Even as stressful and as time consuming as that was with me working full time on top of it. I did my best.  

And then I found out there was a limit on how much money one could borrow from the government for education. I was forced to drop out... bummer.

I still learned a lot and all the lessons are saved on my external hard drive, so I can still go back to that information at any time if I want to play with it. Calligraphy for example. I fucking loved it and I still have all the materials to keep going with it.

Anway... Bran and I had done a sort of still life of his belongings for one of my assignments, and recently he asked if I could dig through my external hard drive and find those images.

UGH! What a task!

But, of course I will/did! Anything for him.

The downside, though...

LOTS of photos of the two OTHER people I was dating at the time and NEITHER relationship ended well.  

And then my brain started tripping on Cuddle Crush somehow being either acquaintances, or even downright friends, with the exact ex that I hurt.

The ex that I DON'T want to repeat the same mistakes with Cuddle Crush.

The ex that is the whole reason for my Cassandra Complex.

They have just enough in common that they could be in the same social circles.

Fuck!

I'll pick this up in Cuddle Crush's section.

- The Unicorn – OMG... I swear... I have been looking forward to being the mother of a teenager since the second I found out I was pregnant. I KNEW I could rock the fuck out of being a mother to a teenager. Especially a teenage girl.

The Unicorn ALWAYS comes to me for advice on a range of topics.

Last night was "How do I deal with a clingy boy?" - but, it wasn't for her. It was for a friend.

Her Bestie is in an 'unofficial relationship' - they're waiting until high school to announce it.

Other Boy in class has his sights set on the Bestie and seriously will NOT back down because Bestie and Besties Boy haven't made it official yet, so Other Boy still figures he has a chance.

Bestie's practically in tears because she can't figure out how to tell him to fuck off already.

So, last night I texted her from the Unicorn's phone:

Hi, Bestie. This is Unicorns Mom. She's told me the situation and asked for my advice. So, here goes: Boys are dense. They CANNOT take a hint! As much as it sucks, you're going to have to be blunt, but you can still be gentle about it. Here's what you should say: "I'm flattered by your interest in me, but I'm sorry to say that I do not feel the same way about you. I'm sure the right girl for you is out there, but she isn't me."

Bestie came back with a high praised thank you and told me that I'm like her 'Spirit Mom' now. LOL!!

OMG... I swear I'm not trying to brag, but I'm really fucking good at this mom shit!

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Crush – A lot of my fantasies regarding Cuddle Crush seem to go down in my bedroom, but some are at social events too. A party or a coffee shop gathering.

The most recent one regarded my ex.

I want to be clear.

I'm not innocent at all here.

I hurt this woman.

She's the reason I haven't had a girlfriend since. She's the reason I have a Cassandra Complex about causing massive trauma to Cuddle Crush.

So... in this little anxiety head trip that hit me after looking for those images for Bran, I was full on dating Cuddle Crush as her Ambigusweetie Snuggle Side Piece (and we were FINE with it), and she brought me to a coffee shop gathering to introduce me to some of her peers.

And that’s where we ran into my ExGF.

The very same ExGF who never shuts the fuck up about how I ruined her life when I dumped her.

Cuddle Crush was agast! Me! The perfect side bitch is the same back stabbing cunt she's been hearing about for years?!?!?

I try to be diplomatic about it and tell ExGF that she has every right to be upset, but let's just drop it for now. This isn't the venue to discuss it.

She demands an explanation anyway.

Cuddle Crush sides with her, suddenly she wants to hear my side of the story too.

Fuck.

So, I give it to ExGF:

• Massive alcohol problem that was seriously getting out of hand.
• Escalating disrespect towards my life mate.
• Job loss due to excessive alcoholism.  
• Disrespected life mate hosting you to detox from the alcohol. You even slept on his side of the bed for several nights, displacing him. Then he tried to help more spending over $200 of his own money to host an intervention. Neither of which worked. You went right back to drinking.
• Living off of limited savings instead of trying to seek employment.
• Further squandering said limited savings on green card whoring, Russian web cam sluts.
• (and that wasn't everything)

Shall I go on?

"No" - she looks dejected.  

"Okay... and it was eight fucking years ago. Stop blaming me for all your problems. Own your own bullshit. Take some responsibility for yourself. Get help and move the fuck on."

And then I turn to Cuddle Crush:

"And you. I warned you about me. I told you it could be extremely detrimental to get involved with me. I never once lied to you about the sins of my past. Now, I have taken responsibility for my actions. I've owned my own bullshit. I've held myself accountable, and I've done absolutely everything in my power to keep you safe and to prevent something like /her/ from happening to /you/.  

Now, it's entirely up to you to decide whether or not that was enough."

And by that time I'm just barely fighting off tears. I get up and go to the women's bathroom so I can try to cry without anyone seeing me.

- from there it all seems to break down – nothing remains cohesive -

• Sometimes Cuddle Crush follows me, apologizes and we're fine.
• Sometimes it takes a few days, but Cuddle Crush comes over and we talk. Then it's fine.  
• Sometimes someone else follows me into the bathroom, Cuddle Crush and I are done, but I've made a new friend. Not a snuggle buddy, though... no one could ever replace Cuddle Crush. I'm so hers. I think I'll always be hers.
• Sometimes no one follows me, and I'm just alone and hurt. My karma has come due.

---

It's safe to say that this is one or several of my mental illnesses at work. This is probably one part BPD Fear of Abandonment, and one part Total Fucking Anxiety.

This is my worry that things won't ever work out with Cuddle Crush.

It would hurt... you know.

Because of how much I'm aware that I belong to her. (as the ambigusweetie cuddle bitch)

It would hurt.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

The Unicorn is awake and being distracting. Time to wrap this up!!