I’m not sure who actually reads this. I see a lot of views when I log in to the back end, but I don't really get that much in the way of comments. I'm okay with that. This isn't a popularity thing for me. It's just a way for me to communicate honestly about my mental illness and my daily struggles/triumphs. I’m probably boring as hell to most people, but one day I hope to be inspirational to someone else suffering from mental illness. These little reports are a collection of the things I use to help keep my symptoms under control so I can live a more peaceful life with my alphabet soup of issues.
Anyway, getting to the point of today's opener.
You all know I love to knit, right? Total #YarnSlut.
My thing is leg warmers.
It used to be into socks too, but the apartments I lived in were too damn warm in the winter time, so I never had a reason to wear them. Then, last year, when I moved into my current place, YAY – temperatures normal enough for me to wear my lovely, hand knitted socks in the colder months! Socks that I'd invested time in knitting. In some cases about two months worth of my free time.
And then I wore giant holes in the bottoms in like a week.
What?
No.
Fuck.
Ugh.
So, I updated my passion and now I'm all about the leg warmers. I'm knitting my 4th set now. I have lots of yarn on hand, and some yarns that I'm going to need to order more of so I'll have enough for those projects when I get to them... but with what I have going now, and the ideas in my head... eventually I'm going to need one of those back of the door shoe organizers just for my collection of leg warmers.
I'm not kidding.
Okay... so, on a seemingly completely unrelated note, I've been having a hard time losing weight because right now I'm working with just diet alone. I haven't been able to exercise because any exertion I try only seems to trigger my inflammation in a really bad way and then I'm in a world of hurt.
At my last visit with my weight loss doctor, I explained this difficulty, and she referred me to Aquatic Therapy... yes!!
This seems like a rock solid plan.
My swimsuit is probably 15 years old, but it still fits and it's functional. That's a good thing because I'm not even sure if they make it anymore. I got it from a fat girl catalog. It's a two piece that looks like a one piece. The upper is a tank top style and the lower has a skirt. I have a really long torso and one pieces just do not work. The tank top hides my unflattering flanks while the skirt hides the rest of the unflattering bits. The top is a navy blue and the bottom is black. Useless because once it's wet, it all looks black.
ANYWAY!!
I was thinking about this last night... and I don't know how or why or when the two completely different trains of thought met in the middle, but it suddenly hit me!
Knitpicks makes a water friendly yarn!!! It's called Dishie because it's usually used to make dish or wash cloths.
But, I could totally fucking rock this!!
I could make this happen.
And I wouldn't be the least bit subtle about this either. Oh, no! No navy blue and black here!
I'm gonna go bright fucking fuchsia and cornflower blue on these bitches!
LOL, I just checked and Dishie comes in those colors. They're called Begonia and Azure.
HAH!!
Aquatic Therapy LEG WARMERS!!
--
Yeah, I know... my bat shit crazy knows no bounds.
Even Bran just puts his hands up in defeat and walks away pretty much every fucking day and he's literally got a PhD in Psychology. (shh, don't tell him I told you that, it's supposed to be a secret).
*giggles*
I'm going to have so much fun when we start going to the gym together. He's probably going to do that thing where he covers up his face with his hand and quick walks so he isn't seen with me. LOL!
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy – I've been seeing a lot of people on Facebook communicating that they are in distress with their mental illnesses. Different groups with different support systems. I've been reaching back and trying to offer as much advice as I can, but I'm not really sure if I'm helping anyone or not.
One post/question was from someone last night that was struggling with their mental illness getting in the way of staying on top of shit, like paying bills. This person communicated an immense sense of 'FAILURE' in regard to this.
Okay...
I remember when this was me.
This was me for a really long time.
I remember when I had to write the word "RENT" on my arm in sharpie marker just to not be late, again. And sometimes that didn't even work because I would get home and the depression would have me too exhausted to even write the fucking check and walk it NEXT FUCKING DOOR.
That's not me anymore, but why? What advice could I start with?
Well, here's what worked for me:
Step One: A device sharable calendar. I use Google. I color code the hell out of shit in my own system of categories. All time sensitive things are noted on the calendar, especially things like automatic payments and when certain bills are coming due. Doctors appointments are also noted, of course. I also block out time chunks for important things I know I should be doing, like setting time aside for self-care.
Step Two: A device sharable task list. I use Tick Tick. I match the color coded categories to what's on the calendar and I further break down what's in some of those time blocks. Like the blocks I have set aside for my morning routines and getting ready to go when I have to leave the house.
Tick Tick lets me make whole sub-lists, so I never forget a thing. Did I remember to eat AND put on deodorant this morning? CHECK! Did I make sure I have my wallet, keys, and any important medical documentation? What about making sure I had something to do during the long span of time in the waiting room? Perhaps a book to read, or some yarn to knit? CHECK! Do I have my portable battery pack/charger? Crap, did I remember to charge it?! (check?)
Seriously, I'm task list crazy, I micro-list everything down to 'eat something!'
Step Three: This is the CRUCIAL step that completely annihilated the fuck out of my feelings of failure.
Personal Metrics.
Personal Metrics are where you track every single fucking thing you're trying to stay on top of. Did you just check it off on the task list? Great! Now log it as DONE on the metric!
Yes, this is a tedious as hell, double-entry system, but stay with me here. It works.
Use Daytum.com - It's the only tracker out there that will work for this. Trust me, I've looked for others.
Once again, break everything down by categories and sub lists (sadly, no color coding available), and then design your display panels any way you want. I have mine set to show me a stacked line graph of everything I've done over the past week. A vertical bar graph showing daily totals of everything I've done over the past month. And even a pie chart of my work/life balance for the past month. There's more too, but those are the major ones.
If I've ever had a 'soul crushing depression' day where I feel like I haven't done a single damn productive thing? Nope. Look at the charts and graphs. Turns out I rocked it on the self-care that day because I yarned, napped, remembered to eat, took a shower, and cuddled a cat. GO ME!! Just look at all those spoons!
So... that's it. That's my system.
Now, these aren't HARD lists. Not everything needs to be done every day. Some days I feel like hell and some items will get pushed off until the next day, week, month, whatever. It's okay. This isn't a pass/fail system. It's just reminders so I don't forget shit.
I also use Google Keep, which is a device sharable 'sticky note'. Anytime I think of something that I also need to remind myself of, I make a sticky note in Keep. And, you guessed it, one of the things on my daily list of tasks is to check my Keep for anything that needs to be done, noted, added to the calendar, told to my therapist, blogged about... you get the idea.
The system might not work for you. But, if you're having issues staying on top of shit... sit down and think about it... what can you do? What kind of crazy system can you come up with that will work for you? A dry erase board in the kitchen? A stack of note cards in your pocket? Setting alarms on an outdated Cassio calculator watch?
Don't give up until you figure it out.
Everyone's got a box... just find it and think your way out of the fucker.
- Writing – Nothing new to report.
- Reading - Nothing new to report.
- Yarn Therapy – I've been feeling a lot better, so more knitting has been happening, but it's still slow going.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 25 minutes, 2x awake, 4x restless, 16 minutes awake/restless... it was actually a really GOOD night.
- Fur-babies – Had a Dreamy last night. He snores in his sleep. Such a puddin' belly!
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- INR – 2.0 - Which is fine for them. They're okay with me being that low. So, they want me at the same dose of rat poison. I'm NOT okay with it, so I took a little extra today.
- Inflammation - / - Exercise/Yoga - Hopefully I'll have a good update for you tomorrow on this.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – Uhhh... we're good. Didn't get a chance to further explain the bedtime necessity of down times and sleep meds because he zonked before it became necessary. Hopefully we'll cover this soon.
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Sweeties -
Nothing new to report.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Cuddle Crush – OMG... *swoon* Every time she posts on Facebook my hand goes over my chest and I whisper the word 'Baby.' - why the hell I call her baby is beyond me... it just happens. It's autonomic. I literally have no control over this action. I see her name at the top of my news feed and it's the same response, every time.
It's like I feel she's communicating with me, even though I know she's not. What I do know is that it's all the reassurance I need that she's survived another day and right now her survival means everything to me.
There was this one status update that looked more like a relationship announcement last night, though. For a split second there I felt that rusty auger punch right in and rip a hole out of my chest. Then I remembered to breathe and I calmed down. It was a meme... but even then, I was already reminding myself that I want her happy and stable in a loving, high-level relationship!! It's the best thing for her.
Btw, yes, I'm 100% self-aware that wanting her happy has the sneaky little ulterior motive of knowing that if she's in that level of a relationship with someone, I can be her snuggle buddy little side bitch without it threatening her mental health one tiny bit. It's still in her favor, so it's not entirely selfish.
Anyway, we did interact a little on Facebook this morning... nothing huge... but enough to know that we're okay... still Facebook friends at least. Enough to give me some hope that we might be friends in real life someday.
It's enough.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
AHHHH...
My ride is going to be here any second, so – the 'journal entry' portion of this is finished. But I still have to do the 'blog entry' portion where I choose artwork and make it pretty. Then I still have the 'social media' portion where I get this cross posted everywhere.
Sorry this is getting posted so late today!!
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