Last night was a really weird night inside my head.
I've been known for my anxiety dreams, but usually only when something is causing me some sort of relevant stress in the waking world. For example, whenever I'm overly stressed on certain things (that for some reason elude me right now, it's been a while) I'll dream that I'm still living with my parents, or still in some sort of relationship with JerkDad. Like I said, I can't really put my finger on the trigger right now, but the result is that I'll dream about a situation where I'm trapped in the thick of some emotional/mental domestic/family abuse and I don't have a way out. There's no Bran. My rescuer is gone, or he never happened.
But last night's dreams? No fucking clue. Definitely anxiety, but I'm at a total loss to identify the trigger(s).
The first one had me traveling via bus to the home of some friends. These are some friends that actually still remain from the pre-homelessness phase. We're not exactly close, but we'll like and comment on Facebook and shit. Anyway, for some reason I was taking 3 or so busses to get all the way out to their place, and the final bus was this tiny little shuttle that only ran about once every 5 hours if one was lucky.
Then, by some act of coincidence, I ran into another mutual acquaintance at the same bus stop, taking the same tiny shuttle.
Now, for some reason, I grabbed her bag instead of my own as I was boarding the tiny shuttle that I didn't have a chance to catch another for another 5 hours. And it was winter/cold as balls.
I bumped into some guy and apologized for my carelessness.
He said something to the effect of 'no problem' and then called me by my name.
"Weird," I thought... total stranger, why would he know my name?
Then, just as I was about to step onto the bottom step to ascend into the shuttle, I notice that I don't have my bag, I have the friend's bag. I quickly look around for the stranger, figuring out that he has my stuff, but he's nowhere.
I have no choice. I have to board the tiny shuttle. My stuff is gone. I'm never getting it back.
I've just been robbed of my laptop, tablet, wallet, the $300 dollars I was going to leave with my friends for safe keeping, my license (ID)… who knows what else. The only things I actually have are my bus pass and my phone. Everything else is gone.
I wake up feeling totally fucked, and not in the good way.
I get et up, grab some water, I look at the time, I debate getting up. I decide to see if I can fit in one more REM cycle.
I end up dreaming about being just about to leave my therapists office, when I suddenly remember about a gif I wanted to show her. And for some reason I literally cannot get my phone/tablet (it morphed) to cooperate and pull up the gif.
I wake up panicked and double check to make sure I have that fucking gif downloaded because we had just discussed it in our last session and I wanted to show it to her.
FUCK!
I don't, it's been misplaced.
I google the fuck out of it and I find one that’s just close enough.
*sigh*
But, now I can't find the other one I wanted to show her either.
So... dream anxiety has now suddenly morphed into REAL anxiety.
---
Did I mention I stopped taking that psyche med last night?
*Murph*
Don't panic.
Let's give it a few days...
I'm sure it's fine.
Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Therapy – Okay, so we pretty much just covered this... but, I also have to remember to bring Valkyrie a yarn butterfly on our next visit. I actually had to put a reminder on my calendar because I keep forgetting about it until I look up at the cork board in her office and see the yarn flower I gave her a while back.
- Writing – Nothing new to report.
- Reading – So, I went through the trouble of picking out a new book yesterday morning, but then when I tried to read it I got nothing, zilch, nada.
One, I was tired.
Tired in that "I'm going to need a nap as soon as I get home" kind of way.
Two, my brain /really/ wanted to fixate on Cuddle Crush. There was just this fantasy there that didn't want to let me go. That didn't want me to let her go.
I found myself wishing I'd brought my yarn instead of my tablet so I could at least do something productive while I just sat there for an hour thinking about her.
I think I'm going to stop downloading free books and see how long it will take to empty out the library of all the ones I already have. If I stop reading on appointment days and I'm full time back on the yarn... yeah... books aren't going to go anywhere for a while.
- Yarn Therapy – The current legwarmer project does (just barely) squeeze into my travel knitting kit, which is a Hello Kitty lunchbox. So, I think that's going to start coming with me instead of the tablet. I've been vacillating on this idea for a few weeks now. So, I guess it's time to admit that I love the yarn more than the reading right now.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 37 minutes, 6x awake, 9x restless, 26 minutes awake/restless - I actually forgot to set the Fitbit to sleep mode last night, but it accurately recorded all the sleep anyway. Even the going back to sleep after waking up at 5 am. So, it seems that I only need to fake it out with the false sleep report before going to bed so it doesn't record my wind down time as sleep. Then I'll still get an accurate reading because it's only half dumb.
- Fur-babies – Dreamy did come over for his nap last night. He cuddled a bit. He really seems to like the throw blanket I have. If I have that over my legs, he cuddles because he wants to lay on it.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Blood Sugar – I don't know how the hell I'm going to remind myself to check. I don't eat at regular times... and I never really know when my largest meal of the day is going to be... What the fuck do I need? A glowing, blinking, red neon sign? How long before even that fades into the scenery and I start ignoring that too?
- INR – 2.1 - low side of normal – advice is to keep the rat poison at the same dose, but I'm going to bump it today just to be a little more safe. I just don't want the INR dipping too low.
- Nervous System – I told my chiropractor about that headache from hell, and after describing my symptoms I asked if that was stress/tension or a migraine. He said it was a little of both. I had the musculoskeletal effects of stress/tension characterized by the way I felt the pain all the way down to the bottoms of my shoulder blades. But, I also had the debilitating effects of a migraine characterized by my near inability to speak and my absolute incapacity to brain enough to make food go.
Either way, I'm glad it's over. And I'm not surprised that he adjusted my sphenoid yesterday. Which could have also contributed to the anxiety dreams if my body was trying to bleed off the rest of the stress from the weekend.
I hope it doesn't happen again.
I still feel like I need a massage.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – Last night Bran started the evening by feeling happy that he had nowhere to go/be and he could finally relax for an evening after work. Then an hour or two later he suddenly realized we were both out of cookies and he decided to venture out anyway.
It might just be the leftover stress/anxiety... but it felt suspicious to me.
Trips like that were always his way of excusing himself from his surroundings when he wanted to call me. Either when we were just starting out and he was technically still in a relationship, or when he was tangentially still involved with the Screeching Harpy.
So... it makes me wonder... who is he talking to? Who is he calling when he's making excuses like 'we're out of cookies.'
I know he has his secrets.
He always has.
Still makes me nervous sometimes.
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Sweeties -
Nothing new to report.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Cuddle Crush – I don't remember exactly when this fantasy hit me. Whether it was the thing I couldn't stop fixating on when I was supposed to be reading, or if it was the thing that kicked in when I was napping or knitting later on.
The fantasy took place on a weekend when Bran was working. For some reason Cuddle Crush finally let me in enough to brave the elements to come over. I'd enticed her with the promise of my secret recipe popcorn and some Netflix. I'd promised her a show I knew she'd love, and that I'd hoped she hadn't seen or heard of, yet. I was saving both the flavor of the popcorn and the show itself as a surprise.
Since this was just Bran's weekend job, and not Kansas, the big TV was still in the bedroom. AKA The Chamber of Snuggles.
Cuddle Crush and I had been in each other's company for a bit. Maybe chit chatting. Maybe watching the first episode or so while I waited for her to get hungry enough for popcorn. Either way, it was enough for her to notice the way my eyes glinted when I smiled at her.
Then I went to make the popcorn. I told her she could keep me company for the first part, but during the addition of the secret ingredient I'd need her back in the bedroom.
Her company she did grant me.
I was in front of the stove, turning the crank. There was a little lull in the conversation. She sidled up to me and reached out... I don't know if it was her hand on my back... or pushing a lock of hair behind my ear... but it was enough for me to look up at her... right in the eyes.
Then she leaned in and kissed me.
She's two inches taller than me.
I didn't pull away.
I didn't pause in surprise.
I let that feeling wash over me for a second and then I just latched on. Turning into the kiss and pulling her against me. I kissed her like I was drowning and she was the only way I was coming up for air.
She had me pinned against the counter.
I heard the popping slow down on the popper, so I reached behind me and turned the burner off and moved the popper off the heat coil. I never broke that kiss. I just moaned into her mouth with what little breath I could take because she was that close to me.
Then she finally pulled back, "Dayum," she said.
My eyes were still downcast, looking at her sweet lips. "I wasn't expecting you to make a move like that." I said.
"Are you complaining?"
I swallow hard. "It's... complicated." But I quickly pull her to me again wrapping my arms around her and nuzzling against her neck. "I don't regret kissing you, but I need to make sure that we're both okay before we take this any further. We can discuss it over popcorn. I'm not rejecting you. I just need to make sure everything is clear so neither of us gets hurt. Okay?"
And... yeah.... right around that last bit is where the fantasy starts to fall apart and get all awkward. Because I honestly don't know how I'd follow up after a kiss like that. I'd need her to know that we still need to talk things out. But, at the same time I'd need to be extra sensitive to her tender emotions and fears of rejection and abandonment. Not to mention her inherent sense of low self-worth and not feeling 'good enough'.
I would need to be so delicate with her.
She's this amazingly strong, painfully beautiful, amazon goddess, yes. But, only I know just how fragile she really can be.
That's the scariest part about all of this. Even in my fantasies I can't figure out how not to hurt her. What hope could I ever have in real life.
Cassandra Complex
We're doomed.
And yet there's still so much love here that I almost never stop thinking about her.
But, based on that little bit of fantasy I just tapped out? Yeah... there's a Ghost Story creeping up here.
At first I was afraid to post a Ghost Story with her in it because, oh shit, what if she saw it? But, she doesn't read my shit. If she did, she would have figured out my crush on her a long time ago. She would have confronted me about it by now.
Either that or she's respecting my distance and restraint because she sees just how hard I'm trying to never commit the crime of allowing myself to hurt her.
I know she's smart. I just don't know if she's stalking me back.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
So... yeah, weird dreams... impossible fantasies.
I have to pee.
No comments:
Post a Comment