But I also ache...

I gotta keep it kinda quick today. I need to run an errand for Bran.

Today is an ow.

It's all in Cuddle Crush's section below (Ambigusweeties)

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – The voices are all in a clusterfuck. Since our state of mostly integrated, it's been harder to pick out who's feeling what. I think The Healer is in the 'mostly happy with the current situation' place. If anyone is hurting, it's probably The Reticent. The Warrior would be the stoic one who believes this is all for the best. You know, the one who had the stiffest resolve regarding the Cassandra Complex. The Creative One knows we'll heal by writing a Ghost Story eventually. It's really hard to get a read on The Kid, though... I'm pretty sure she's just on her swing set feeling kinda bad for reasons she doesn't fully understand. She just knows the moms aren't agreeing on shit today.

Next visit with Valkyrie should be interesting.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Reading - Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy - I'm getting kinda concerned here. I seem about halfway done with my skeins, and my Spiritual Ripples are only about four inches long. That means I might top out somewhere between eight to ten inches and they need to be a minimum of fourteen inches before the ruffle. I'm next to positive this will involve buying more yarn.

Bran was totally mystified by that, by the way. He was baffled by the concept of how one would end with one skein and start with another. Fortunately one of my skeins had a break in the yarn so I had a perfect example right there of how you leave off and pick up. I explained how the loose ends would be woven in when the project was finished. Then he got it.

So, some expensive Knitpicks are going into the budget. More yarn and some additional long cables.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours, 2x awake, 19x restless, 48 minutes awake/restless - TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT! I woke up at 5:30 and needed to get some water and visit the potty... I did NOT get back to sleep. I tossed and turned for three mother fucking hours.

Fuck you, Fitbit.

- Fur-babies – Ugh... Catmom was in her beer again last night. That got me stuck with Splotches for a while. I'm glad that he came to say hi and kneaded me a little bit, but I'm really not happy that it had to be on my bare skin and also involved standing with all of his body weight right on my poor, tender nipple. Then there was the YOWLING! Dreamy could barely take his nap.

Then a very DRUNK Catmom told me that one of her other cats wanted to meet me. Total bullshit. She held the furball up to me and I held out my hand for sniffs. Zero interest. But, I gave some scritches and pets anyway.  

According to Catmom, this reslulted in instant purring out of the most uninterested cat ever. She's totally blown away at how I can make all her cats purr like that. She just doesn't understand why I'm so much better at this that she is.

1) I have hella-good energy

2) I'm not a shit-face drunk

Cats... they pick up on this stuff.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Ummm... yeah... maybe I'll remember some of this shit today.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – I almost reposted a memory on Facebook where I commented that I had no body shame at all when it came to him. I knew how beautiful I was to him.

That hasn't changed. In fact, it's only intensified.

All I have to do is not pull away when he comes in for a quick hug/kiss. If I can make that kiss go just a little bit longer than a standard peck. He literally has to readjust the Mo.  

Every. Time.

Shower days are the most fun.  

I always wander out naked for a quick hug. This is inevitably always followed by him peaking in on me while I'm all naked and wet. By the time I'm drying off, he can't even restrain himself anymore. I'm flat on the bed mere moments later.

I'm irresistible to him.

Fuck... that feels good.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Crush - I came clean with her a little bit last night. Not all of it, but just some of it, and maybe just a little bit of a white lie. I told her I'd been waiting for us to meet in person in a much more organic setting so I could read her and let things unfold naturally between us.

 

That's not altogether true, now is it?

 

I mean, yeah... I really wanted to meet her in person. I wanted to get close to her and build that friendship, of course. But, I sincerely hope I would have stuck to my conviction of protecting her by never letting her find out the whole truth.

 

Last night was a game changer, though.

 

She announced that she's leaving. I don't know where she's going, but it's safe to assume she's leaving the general area, and possibly the state. I felt this knife gouge in my heart.

 

So, I wrote her the sweetest, most gentle note that I could. I invited her over for a cuddle date. That's it, nothing more. I told her the truth about how I trust her despite my vow to never again trust anything with tits. I explained that somehow she's the exception to that rule. I told her we share kinships in the sense that we are both succubi and wolves, and that it would be a shame to waste such a connection.

 

I told her the part about how she'd be the first woman I'd allowed close to me in years and the only woman I'd allowed close to me since my vow.

 

I was so scared to send that note.

 

Her response was equally as sweet and gentle. She told me that at any other time she would have taken me up on the offer, but the conditions on her departure do not favor us having such a connection.

 

I'm fine.

 

I think.

 

I mean, I totally get it and I'm not jealous or regretful that she's transcending into a situation that should hopefully bring her a lot of love, peace, and healing.

 

But, I'd be lying if I said the voices weren't in a terrible state of conflict over this. Sleep was difficult and fitful, especially after the mid-sleepytime water refill and potty visit that I normally would have no trouble falling back to sleep after. I just fucking tossed and turned... I couldn't stop thinking about her.

 

Some voices are so happy for her... actually, we all agree on that one.

 

But, there is regret too. We know we missed our chance to get close to her. To cuddle her tight and expose her to our unconditional love. (and skin)

 

And yet, still, there is a clear sense of reason as well. She's not out of our lives for good. Contact will remain, of course. And she'll come back someday. Either to visit or reside. There will be another chance in the future and she may be on a much more solid mental health footing at that time! She may even have a life partner which would completely offset how limited I am in my offerings.  

 

It would be okay if all I could be was an ambiguous cuddle sweetie.  

 

All speculative, yes.

 

But I have to hope that this move will be good for her. I need it to be good for her. The voices all agree on that one too.

 

I also made it clear that I'm still here for her on her bad days, especially since Poly and Borderline don't always play nice. She's going to need some sort of guide to navigate the new minefield of triggers.  

 

I really hope she'll remember that and come to me if she needs such a guide.

 

So, for right now it's all just bittersweet.

 

I know I would have never been good for her in the current setting and that letting her go with a half-truth about my feelings is the best thing for her mental health and wellbeing.

 

 

But I also ache.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Okay...  

I need to do a thing.