It's the purge...

I had forgotten what a good emotional pallet cleanser anger can be.

It's a different kind of fire.  

It's not the slow burn of an emotion that will overtake and cause the tender ruination of a day, week, month, year, lifetime to get over.

It's the harsh, raging, bridge-burning scorch that annihilates such useless attachments.  

It's the purge.  

When my mother made it clear that she was choosing my abusive ex over me, I cried for 2-weeks straight, and then the anger kicked in.

That anger has never left me.

That bridge has burned so far beyond repair that I haven't seen or contacted anyone in my blood family for over 8 years.

I remember when Set emotionally abandoned me for someone so far beneath him she swam in the gutters of worthlessness.

I hurt for what seemed like forever.

It literally destroyed me.

It was the catalyst* of what eventually led to my mental breakdown, the splits in my personality, my 2-years of homelessness... my inability to feel my connection to Bran for so long...

And then I got angry.

Angry enough to write Set in a story where I telekinetically cursed him to breathe as though his lungs were filled with broken glass.

In the end, the results of both are that I am free from the suffering that kept me tied to those unhealthy emotional attachments. My anger became the thing that severed those ties and set me free.

I'm happier than I've ever been without my toxic family mucking about in my life.

I met the Blue Falcon and completely moved on from Set.

I'm over them both.

I'm done.

So, really...  

… I feel bad for what's to come... but it's not my monkeys and it's not my circus.

My sanity demands this cleansing fire, and dammit, I'm giving it what it needs.

This time Cassandra doesn't give a shit anymore.

Happy. Mother. Fucking. Valentines. Day.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy - It's almost scary how much Valkyrie and I are on the same page about things. I tell her what's up and what my assessments are of the situations at hand and she's just right fucking there with me.  

I broke down Trigger Trigger Bang Bang, and it was great to have that melded perspective of a mental health professional and a mental health patient saying "Yes, this is everything I know on the topic and this is 100% accurate." In both of our experiences, hers from hearing it a thousand times from other patients and mine from experiencing it myself a thousand times... the way I describe Trigger Trigger Bang Bang is exactly how it happens. It's just in a simpler language that everyone can understand.

Don't worry, It's on my list of Mental Health Resource Pages I'll be publishing here eventually, as well as the cure for Trigger Trigger Bang Bang.

Of course, we talked about other things too. I shared my latest Cassandra Complex and she gave me her professional perspective on what my gut feelings were. I found that very reassuring.  

The dark side of the Cassandra Complex is that nobody believes you. You see the crisis coming a million miles away, and no matter how many warnings you drop, or how hard you try to stop it, you just keep getting the great, grand 'fuck off'.  

So, one person listened to me. One person shared my view. One person was on that high cliff and watching the battle unfold right there next to me. She saw what I saw... and she held my hand to comfort me.  

I guess I just feel vindicated somehow...  

--

I guess I should also clarify that I've had two recent, entirely separate instances of Cassandra Complex. One that involved me, and that I did manage to avoid. The person I was worried about hurting is someone that I don't have to worry about anymore. Crisis averted.

This new one is something else entirely. It's a whole different animal that has nothing to do directly with me. It's a mistake I see others making and I just know how this is going to play out because I've seen it before. And I tried to say something but I was ignored. I mean, for obvious reasons, of course, right? Who the fuck died and made me Goddess? It doesn't matter that I care about these people and I don't want them hurt. It's not my business to interfere.

So, fuck it.

It's not my problem.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Reading - Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy – A lot's been added to the budget for March... not sure I can afford the water friendly yarn...

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 33 minutes, 6x awake 18x restless, 55 minutes awake/restless - got to bed late, but we still made a good effort.

- Fur-babies – Catmom called during #NapAttack. I tried to call her back when I came back to the world of the living, but she didn't answer.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

[insert Middle Finger Here]

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – More Sleep = Less Bitchy – so, we're on the right track there...  

However, "I'll take the garbage out when I leave to do the shopping." Nope.

"I'll take the garbage out in the morning." Nope.

Srsly.

Some days.

I also had this great idea for a prank in the middle of the night. Not something I would actually ever do, because I'm rather addicted to breathing. But I got a good belly chuckle out of the idea of changing my ringtone on his phone to the chorus of MLP Winter Wrap-Up.

 - The Unicorn – Her health class is teaching fucking Mindfulness and Stress Management!!

FUCKING LOVE HER SCHOOL!!

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

I've reached my breaking point with Bear.

The other day he had the audacity to suggest that we could displace bran for a few hours with $20 for a movie just so he could come over and play.

That made me deeply uncomfortable.

Now I just need the strength to break it off.

I'm going to hate myself.

But I don't even like him anymore.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

*Please kindly note that I said CATALYST – it was just the trigger event. I don't blame Set for anything else that happened to me. Yes, that catalyst fucked me up hard, but I'm not the type of girl to mope forever and say 'ever since so-and-so dumped me'.

There comes a point where you have to stop blaming other people for your bullshit and take some fucking responsibility.