Yesterday morning there was... well... not exactly a kerfuffle about the laundry that still hasn't been put away yet, but my mention that because I have had appointments all this week, plus my daughter this weekend, this is something I won't be able to take care of until next Monday.
Bran was having a little bit of trouble parsing this.
Things like:
- No house work or busy work on days when I have appointments that take me outside of the house.
- Doing one thing at a time and keeping my full focus on it.
- Just in general, not doing 'more'.
So, I kinda let him have it.
I reminded him of the times in my past when I did overload myself with stuff. Whether it was school on top of work, or trying to start up a non-profit at the same time that I was trying to write a book... the list goes on. Oh, and don't even get me started on all the times I've tried to actually build my social media following. *cough!*TIME SUCK*cough!*
Any time I've tried to do 'more', or any time I've tried to follow the example of how his brain works and I've tried to 'multitask' more...
Well, I'm going to be completely fucking honest here.
I was a total bitch.
I was near impossible to live with.
I came to grips with that during the year+ that I was alone.
I made an unbreakable vow that I was never going to be that bitch to him ever again. I was going to appreciate him more, love him more, and take care of him better.
So, if that means that Laundry gets done one week and gets put away the next... fuck, that's just the way it's going to have to be.
I play my spoons more evenly now, and I accept the fact that I have fewer of them than I've realized in the past.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy – I guess I'm okay.
For the most part anyway.
My brain has been spinning in the same confused circles about the same fucking thing and it just keeps spiraling and I think it's getting out of control... unless it's already gotten out of control and I just don't even realize it yet.
Yes, I still plan to write the Mental Health Resource Pages...
But, I'm more than willing to admit that I'm out of my depth on this one issue.
I guess that's kinda okay, though... too?
I seem to remember a while back that I was wondering what form my next challenge was going to come in. I mean... I've been through so much and I've overcome so much already... what else could possibly be thrown at me, right?
This time it's not a 'walk in the underworld' level challenge, which is probably another reason why it has me so confused. Because, fuck... these days when I get to the underworld I just ask them if they changed the WiFi password. Underworlds aren't even a challenge for me anymore.
So, this is very different.
I guess I leveled up.
- Writing – Nothing new to report.
- Reading - Nothing new to report.
- Yarn Therapy – Yesterday morning's #YarnSlut was canceled due to Boxed Chocolate Day. I got a partial half row in while I was waiting for Aquatic Therapy – and then I was pretty wiped for the rest of the day. So far this morning I still feel pretty tired... so, we'll have to see what happens.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 4 minutes, 1x awake, 13x restless, 30 minutes awake/restless. - but the nighttime sleep isn't the biggest adventure worth reporting here!!
Get this: I've started scheduling afternoon #NapAttack's. Usually 1-1.5 hours and mostly right when I get home from an appointment, or somewhere in the 4pm'ish range.
Okay, so the purpose of an afternoon nap isn't to fall asleep until waking up. It's actually best done as a timed event with an alarm so one doesn't sleep too long (causing all those sleepy brain chemicals to release). The objective is to trigger at least one drop into Sleep 4 (REM Sleep), which will hit the body's reset button and make for a more productive evening.
Now, I never hit Sleep 4 during #NapAttack's. I can't actually hit Sleep 4 without drugs that take 6-8 hours to wear off. So, I just hover around Sleep 3. That's the one where you've dropped off just enough to lose awareness of your surroundings, but you haven't started to dream, yet. And that's good enough for me. I still feel rested, at least.
Yesterday I got home from Aquatic Therapy, kissed Bran, ate the second half of my HUGE breakfast burrito from Burger King, and I set my timer for an hour and ten minutes.
Holy Crap! I was SO fucking OUT OF IT when that timer went off.
I had no idea where I was, what time it was, what my name even was, I couldn't tell if it was morning/night and I was trying to figure out if I'd gone to bed without Bran because I'd actually SLEPT into total disorientation, which meant Sleep 4. And I was all, 'no... that couldn't have been #NapAttack... oh... wait... yeah, that was #NapAttack."
And then I got up... but I was still too tired/sore to do much, so I Netflixed until actual bedtime.
BUT HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT??!!??
Exercise made me Sleep 4 level sleepy!!
That's literally never happened before, because I've never had the strength/endurance to exercise that hard before.
See Below!
- Fur-babies – I slept through Cat Therapy.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Exercise/Yoga - Tomorrow this section is going to be renamed 'Aquatic Therapy' - because, fuck yeah, I’m sticking with this. - Once I've graduated my /training/ and I progress to working out on my own, I'll change 'Therapy' to something else. Probably /not/ something practical, like 'Exercise'. Most likely I'll refer to it as something like 'Magic Hippo Dance', or something equally as ridiculous.
Just wait till I make those fucking Aquatic Magic Hippo Dance Leg Warmers... that'll show ya.
LOL, I digress.
I sat with my trainer for a few moments before getting in the water and we discussed my needs as mostly being callisthenic (get the heart rate up) and hips, my weakest point. We wanted to do some endurance too, of course.
She took it pretty easy on me because we're still trying to establish a baseline of how much I can take. I suspect the first few sessions are going to be like this.
Now, even though she was going easy on me, I have to tell you, if I was doing this stuff on land – I would have been losing my fucking shit! There's no way my body would have tolerated what she was doing to it. But, in the water I was perfectly FINE!
And she was in the 'Wow!' zone with me too. She kept commenting on my flexibility and range of motion. Which are ALSO things I would NOT have had on land!
So, I'm literally a fucking hippo.
On land I’m this big, fat, clumsy thing that can barely handle six stairs without needing to sit down for 5 minutes. But in the water I'm practically a ballerina with no limits who doesn't even get out of breath.
It worked too.
The primary objective of attempting this type of exercise was to determine whether or not this would trigger my inflammation and the soul crushing, whole-body, you fucked up, level PAIN that followed.
A workout SHOULD cause pain. But it should be the 'thumbs-up' kind of 'you worked out, good for you' kind of pain.
Not the 'I want to crawl in a hole and die' kind of pain.
Today the back of my upper left arm hurts, and pretty much the whole of my upper back is a little 'what the fuck was that?', but I’m okay... this is absolutely the 'you worked out, good for you' level tired and sore.
I’m pretty sure I should still take it a little easy once I start really working out... I think 3-days a week is okay. I need to give my body time to rest in-between. I won't see weight loss results as fast that way, but I'll be building up my strength and endurance, which is what really matters more for me right now.
…
Maybe drop the 'Aquatic' and just stick with 'Magic Hippo Dance'?
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – We're still adapting to each other... our tendency towards miscommunication continues.
Last night I had to completely break down the purpose of lounge depths vs. sleeping depth in regards to the body pillow on the bed... again.
And then I had to fully break down the bedtime order of operations in regards to the body pillow... again.
*facepalm*
Real relationships take work, people.
We've been at this for 10 fucking years.
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Sweeties -
Still struggling with how I'm going to break things off with Bear.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
So, there it is... Bitchy Spoons and Magic Hippo Dances...
I need more coffee.
How's your morning going?
----
F U U U U C K ! ! !
My coffee maker is refusing to piss out coffee... it's clogged somewhere... and I have to see a lawyer today. I need full brain function!!
Dammit! Why today?!?!?
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