Who knew anti-psychotics equaled REM Cycles?

So, yesterday was pretty much hell.

I have mentioned that my psychiatrist and I are working on backing off on some of my psyche meds.  

In the hell that was my 2016, I had asked her to pretty much turn me into a zombie. She was kind enough to oblige with a strong anti-psychotic.  

In the solitude that was my 2017, I no longer needed to be that wiped out during the day, so I switched to taking it exclusively at night.

In the joy that is now my 2018, I figured I didn't need it at all.

I found out I was wrong on that one.

I found out the hard way.

Since eliminating the dose entirely, I haven't been unable to get back to sleep after the mid sleep run to refill my water bottle and visit the potty. Instead I've just been tossing and turning for 3-4 hours while sleep and those final REM Cycles completely elude me.

And yesterday, it was REALLY bad. I was in a terrible state.

But there were errands to run... and a whole house to clean.

After errands, I couldn't do the cleaning right away, though. I needed to try a nap. Ugh, nothing, no REM Cycle. No reset. I finally gave up and tried to get the house worked on. Bran, bless him, stepped in and took over dishes. That just left the minor stuff to me. I was done fast. Some stuff got shunted to another day.

I tried overdosing on noms to trigger a food coma. Still nothing.

I tried just lying there and closing my eyes, trying to let a movie lull me to sleep. I was able to doze enough to not know what the fuck was going on with the movie, but still no REM Cycle. No reset.

Needless to say, I put that damn med back in my nightly routine.

Fuck me.

Who knew anti-psychotics equaled REM Cycles?

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – After today, the ^Unfuck Yourself^ is going to be updated to Self-Care.  

Unfuck Yourself was implemented during the horror of 2016, and there was a lot of repair and recovery that needed to happen. I have successfully unfucked myself. I'm good.

Now I just need to keep it that way. Ergo, the 'Self-Care'.

Things have been added to my daily to-do list like; Remember to Eat. Also, existing items like 'Coffee and Contemplation', and 'Yarn Thearpy' are falling into Self-Care now. Showers too. Yesterday Bran was sweet enough to pay for the haircut I haven't been able to afford for months. That counts as well.

All of this is fitting in as a one-quarter wedge on how I'm being progressive about my sanity moving forward:  

1. Supportive environment – a loving Bran by my side. Avoiding triggers.
2. Rockstar therapist – Valkyrie.
3. Self-Care – Self-explanatory.
4. Creative outlet – Writing, #yarnslutting... whatever comes out when it needs to come out.

Most of this is just me being good to me. But, some of it is also setting an example for other Borderlines to follow. Hopefully, someday I can help someone.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Reading - Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy – It's still slow progress on Spiritual Ripples, but I'm getting there.

- Sleep / Fitbit – BAH! I fucked up the reading by forgetting to tell it when I got out of bed.

- Fur-babies – I was blissfully not besieged by a drunk Catmom yesterday. I also won't be around tonight, but Bran might still get a Dreamy.

Tonight I'll be with the Blue Falcon. His Panther will always demand Daddy-lap, but his Ginger really likes me and always requests cuddles now.

Unless I'm naked in Blue Falcon's bed. Then Ginger gets super jealous and tries to get between us.

Silly cat.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Now, this ^Unfuck Yourself^ is staying put, because my body is sure as hell just as fucked as it's always been.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Oh godz... bless him... please don't think me ungrateful. But, I don't feel that he's the best at hand washing dishes. I don't have a dish rack, and despite my ability to function just fine with a countertop and a towel, the idea of simply leaning dishes against the wall and allowing them to air dry at an angle mystifies him.

Also, he said he would finish the dishes when he shooed me off to go attempt a nap again. He didn't.

And this morning I see that my scrubby brush is in a terrible state! It's completely black with some sort of grimey shit. There was literally NOTHING in the sink that was that grimey. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

I love him so much. I do. He tried to help so I could try to nap.

He kinda made more work for me.

What am I going to do with him?

- The Unicorn -  

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – I want euphemistic cuddles.  

Even though it probably won't take my mind off of Cuddle Crush, I seem to want to try.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Crush – I don't know how she's doing, and that worries me greatly. I even dreamt about her being unwell and missing a cuddle date because of it. So, this worry is beginning to invade my mind on all levels.

Worse: I find myself thinking things like "I'll never get close to her", and lamenting this fact greatly, when just days ago I still knew that getting close to her was the most dangerous thing I could ever fucking do to her.

I need to fucking get a grip here.

I never should have told her how I felt. Even if it was only half of it. It was enough to do damage to me, and possibly to her.

I hate me.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

I'm still pretty tired. I don't think one night of good REM'ing was enough to repair the damage of how much I had lost, but it will even out soon enough.  

I’m off to get more coffee!