Every Curse has a Blessing...

A friend of mine got me thinking about my Blessing/Curse of Emotional Memory.   

Now, I do still have plans to write the mental health resource page of turning afflictions into assets, but Emotional Memory really isn't a mental health issue, so I figured I'd extrapolate a little bit on that here.   

Okay, so I also want to be clear that to the best of my knowledge, Emotional Memory isn't really recognized as a type of memory at all. It's just the best way I could figure out how to explain the way my sense of memory doesn't fit with any other 'normal' type of memory. I.e. short term, long term, explicit, implicit, analytical, etc...  

My sense of memory isn't short or long term. It doesn't even register the passage of time at all. Sometimes I can think something happened a 'long' time ago, and then I look at my notes and it was yesterday. Sometimes it was a year... two years...  

This is because I only remember things that I have a strong emotional connection to. Hell, I can't even remember a pin or a password unless it spells out something I’m emotionally connected to.

I can't remember a seriously important discussion I had two days ago.  

But, I can still remember my favorite line from Xena, Warrior Princess from about 30 years ago:  

"Ya half-witted toady to a third-rate God! Come and get me!"  

I can still recite the final monologue of Puck.  

I read A Midsummer Night's Dream in my senior year of high school.  

Okay, so, getting to the point.  

THE CURSE:  

People with Borderline Personality Disorder have a tenancy to revolve around the darker emotions. We get stuck in these spirals of depression... rage... despair... It's truly awful.  

Now, you add in the overthinking, and the way we constantly find ourselves trapped in the time loops of our mistakes.  

You see where I’m going with this... now pull in the Emotional Memory.  

All I have to do is remember something painful from my past. Even if it's just for a second. And all those emotions will literally tear their way through me like bullets from a firing squad. I'll feel EVERYTHING as if it's happening to me in real time.  

Oh, and remember what I said about not being able to accurately register the passage of time?  

Yeah...   

Fuck...  

That means that it doesn't matter how long it took for a particularly painful event to play out... 4-weeks, 4-months, 4-years...   

I'll experience all of it. Every emotion. Every blow-by-blow in the span of about 4-minutes.  

It would destroy me.  

Ahh... ^^^ see above there?  ^^^"would"^^^  

Yeah...  

I turned it around.  

Like so many other curses, I managed to beat this one too.  

Here's how it happened:  

One day I was taking the bus home from a particularly abysmal therapy session where I had been trying to explain to my therapist the horror show of having Emotional Memory. My utterly useless therapist had basically thrown some CBT drivel at me that basically amounted to "Just think your way out of it", but with bigger words.  

I wanted to beat the fucker to death with his own clipboard.  

IT'S EMOTIONS ASSHOLE! THINKING DOES NOT TAKE PLACE ANYWHERE IN THERE!  

UGH...   

Anyway...  

So, there I was... lost in my misery... when a thought suddenly occurred to me.   

"Hey, wait a second. If I can get trapped in negative memories like that... what would happen if I locked myself in a room with a positive memory?"  

And that was that.  

One tiny little *spark* of self-awareness and it all just flipped.  

THE BLESSING:

I'd spend days just blissing out over the memory of my first date with Bran in particular... that was my favorite go-to for awhile.  

These days it doesn't even have to be memories anymore. I can create whole constructs in my mind and go to them. That's how the Ghost Stories got started in the first place. I mean... what a great excuse to write some Romance/Erotica, right?  

Every curse has a blessing.  

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – Rather ironically. Despite that whole opener about the blessing of Emotional Memory. I'm overthinking something today, LOL.  

Don’t worry. I have a good sense of humor about it and I'm pretty sure everything's cool. If it's important enough to deserve some direct attention, then I’m sure it will get everything it needs in time.

Yes, I'm being deliberately vague again.

Suck it.

- Writing – Son-of-a-bitch. I was having SUCH a good day yesterday. Everything on the 'Get Shit Done' was getting crossed off the list. I even scrubbed the bathroom sink for fucks sake.  

So, it was all cool and then it was #NapAttack time. Perfect. Wonderful. Hit the reset button so I could head into creative mode and write that fucking Ghost Story that's been on my mind lately.

Sleepy sleep (at least as far as Sleep 3 will let me sleep), alarm off. Missed call from Bran... call him back.

He's on his way home. Put on pants/shoes. Time to adult and do the grocery shopping now, because snow dump.

Fuck.

Typical shopping trip... I have what I need in about 20 minutes. He spends the next hour dragging me all over the store so he can look at 'stuff'. UUUGGGHHHHH...

Meanwhile, I can't even concentrate on anything he's rambling about because I have a dialog trying to claw its way out of my brain.

Home.  

Quick, disturbing message exchange with someone.  

Bran decides to take a bath.

FINALLY! PRIVACY! WRITE GIRL! WRITE LIKE THE WIND!

Story: "nah..."

Me: "Oh, fuck you too, sweetheart." - I end up turning out the lights and curling up with Netflix instead.

*grump*

- Yarn Therapy – Spiritual Ripples – slow but steady. Magic Hippo Dance is only going to cost me about $20 (generously), so that's totally in the budget for next month.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 43 minutes, 4x awake, 15x restless, 45 minutes awake/restless.

- Fur-babies – Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.  

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – There is simply not enough warm purrs for morning cuddles.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – I'm sad to report that the Blue Falcon has taken ill, so I will not be joining him for Movie Night tonight. It's cool, I guess. I mean, I miss him. I do. But, I'm okay on my own too.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

I guess I don't have a lot to say in closing today... just the hope that I can get some writing done.