I would really like to stop hurting now...

I did see the neurologist yesterday.

There wasn't much I could tell her because my headaches are so non-specific. I couldn't identify any of my triggers or even the frequency/severity of my headaches. It was all so variable. I had nothing for her.

I've downloaded a migraine buddy app on my phone to track my headaches moving forward.  

Her 'next steps' for me were a neck x-ray and a sleep study.

I'm really good on the sleep study. Bubbles has been suggesting that for awhile now as well and I know I'm overdue for one.  

I asked for a referral for massage therapy more than once.

She completely ignored me.  

Didn't even give me a hard yes or no.

She just ignored me.

She said she wants to try me on physical therapy and muscle relaxers, but then she put nothing in the works towards either. So... I'm going to have to send her a message requesting the muscle relaxers soon because my back really is bothering me and I'm not getting any help there.

The sweetie I had discussed a massage with never contacted me about last Saturday and to be honest, I kinda forgot about him too. And, we all know Bran is useless for massage.

*sigh*

I hate these knots in my back. They're so persistent. I keep trying to stretch them out too, but... no...

I do feel like seeing my chiropractor more and getting better sleep has helped with the headaches, but not with my back. So, this is pretty annoying.

I would really like to stop hurting now.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – I've been taking a lot of comfort in music lately. Just listening to the lyrics that open me up to thinking about things in more bad ass ways. I feel more secure in my ability to love.  

I don't know if that love will ever make a difference, but you know me. I mean, look at my relationship with the Blue Falcon. I've been in love with him for year and I've never once asked him to love me back.

I don't need to be loved back.

I just don’t want my loving outward, towards a person, to be rejected.

I want to be kind to them. Give them what they need if I have it in me to provide it. I just want to be the reason for a smile.

Honestly, as pathetic as that sounds, that's enough for me because I have Bran. He loves me back enough for a thousand someones and I love him just as much.  

It's just that I have this giant heart and sometimes I find myself loving other people with that same intensity too.

- Writing – I limited myself to only an hour of writing yesterday because I'd hoped that would leave me enough mental energy to accomplish some other tasks as well. The latest Ghost Story is titled Half God Half Devil – based on a song by In This Moment – It's going well. It's mostly dialog. Again, it's pretty low key. It would be a great start to a novella, but I'm not sure if that's how far I'm going to end up going with it.

Okay, so, what annoyed me about last night's writing, though? I wrote for an hour. At normal speed I should have clocked about 2K in length.

I clocked 1.5K - Exactly.

Like, what the fuck is that?

How do I log a .5K?

Related: I have decided that I will eventually be posting Half God Half Devil because the only person who matters doesn't even care enough for this to matter adversely. However, I've also built in the contingency of a disclaimer, so this should be a problem. [Note: the disclaimer will be added when I actually post it - the link here is to the work in progress, just in case anyone gives a shit.]

What's the worst that could happen?

She finds out I have this massive crush on her?

*gasp* OH NO!

Having it all out in the open like that!

She'd either be forced to accept my crush on her for what it is. An unconditional expression of affection that has absolutely no intention of violating the boundaries of her house.

Or.

She can tell me to fuck off and I'll finally be forced to walk away and let her go completely. Which is where I go visit Eros and we take care of business. I'd get over her eventually. Might take awhile, but I'd be fine.

- Yarn Therapy – Yeah, so I'd figured that if I limited the writing to an hour I'd still be able to #YarnSlut.  

Nope.

The Spoons are really fucking aggressive about this 'One or the Other' thing.

*gives the Spoons the squinty eye*

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 26 minutes, 3x awake, 14x restless, 48 minutes awake/restless. - did okay last night – today.

- Fur-babies – Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Scanners – My sleep study consult is next Monday.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He did a minor grocery run last night. Came back with prezzies for me. Of course there was the extra garlic hummus that I'd asked for. He also picked up the other flavors of what has become my newest go-to bedtime snack. Just so I could try them. I don't know if these will remain my go-to bedtime snack... I might try to figure out a way to 'meal prep' something similar for myself to see if that's less expensive. Maybe do a paleo version... which will jack up the price. GAH! Fuck you inflammation.

He also came back with 2 citrus salad cups. *heart throb* He loves me so much.

This will come in handy on Thursday. I think those are a really great Post Magic Hippo Dance snack.

His dinner didn't agree with him, but we still made it to bed before 1am, so that's a triumph in and of itself.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough – I have an email from him. The preview didn't look urgent. So, I'll get to that later this morning.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

I'm getting the low-grade pain when I look up, but the headache seems to not be around much today. I think I’m going to be okay today.

Oh... that woman actually suggested cutting back on the caffeine.

I know, I know...

I'm not sure how she's still alive either.