In a word…
Rain.
OMG… I'm in such an
amazing place today.
It's the morning
after, and he's returning texts.
I don't want to say
I doubted him because I didn't. But, there will always be that part of me that
feels a little fear of being ghosted again.
This is our morning
exchange so far:
ME: Woke
up almost an hour before the alarm, decided to get up anyway because.... coffee
RAIN: A
morning poem:
coffee coffee coffee coffee
Everyone shut the fuck up
Coffee
ME: LOL
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Mornings are hard
Coffee
RAIN: Lol
ME: *snuggles*
RAIN: *Snuggles*
also peppermint dickables
ME: LOL!!!
Are you ready to harvest your dickable
vinyards?
(I can't say 'are you enjoying your dickable
afternoon' yet)
RAIN: Yes,
yes I have.
Lol
ME: And now I get an extra giggle about your
notification tone, especially since it's morning. I'm wondering if you've found
pants.
-- Clarification -- I've recycled Mahogany's
text/notification tone.
I gave it to Rain a
few days ago.
I haven't talked to
Rain about this yet, but from the way he's described his attraction towards me,
I can tell he was called. Or, at least, he feels called. I've been on both
sides of callings enough to know what that sensation is like. And, of course, because
I got it wrong so many times I'm naturally suspicious of my own acceptance of
this. Hell, just look at Alpha. There's every chance that Rain could have been
just another narcissist. But I just didn't get that read off of him.
Rain is a bully
survivor.
Being bullied
triggered his empathy and it's one of the reasons he was able to read me so
well. He liked what he read from me. He could clearly see how my past (bad)
experiences have shaped me. He knew from the moment he started talking to me
that I'd been through a lot and that it had made me a stronger person. So, he
liked that. The strength.
He also loved it
that I remained open, in spite of all the damage. He's very much the same.
Can we say 'Law of
Attraction'?
I know what you're
thinking.
"Don't say it
ImariiStarre… don't go there… don't trust… don't love… don't risk it all
again…"
You know I’m tempted
to claim him as another Blue Lion. A co-healer. My male counterpart the way
Mahogany would have been. Someone who walked the underworld and came out the
other side needing to help others the way that I do.
You know…
The _one_.
The Peter… The
Daniel…
The Tulpa the Ghost
Stories were intended to call to me.
You remember the
reason we went dark on that one, right?
Because it would be
so unfair to my co-healer. For someone to truly have the power necessary to
heal me, he would have to be damaged as much or even worse than me. It just
seemed so selfish to ask the universe to punish someone and to make them
suffer, just so I could be healed from my lingering wounds.
Well… okay… but what
if I met that person anyway?
What if it was his
own contract with his higher/future self that triggered his pain and his
healing abilities?
What if it had
nothing to do with me?
What if he was just
called to me anyway?
What if I could be
his next stepping stone in understanding his powers?
Well, it would be
worth it all then, wouldn't it?
I'm not saying Rain
is it… that it's him.
But, I can't lie to
you either.
I know I want it to
be him.
Not just for my
sake, but for his.
I want to fall in
love with him, and I want him to need to love me back.
Especially after the
shit that went down with Bran last year.
Just once, I need
someone to fight for me again.
The way that Bran
did when we first met and during the two years we were homeless.
I need to feel
chosen again.
Fuck… I'm crying
now.
*sigh*
Okay, the update:
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - I'm
a little disappointed that Valkyrie had to call in sick yesterday. Not sure if
I mentioned that. But, there it is. And, she's out next week too. So I'm not
even seeing her until the 14th… so much has happened. I wouldn't even know
where to start with her.
- Writing - I’m
still under the Story Structure Blues. I hit brain melt about 2:30 pm
yesterday. A full two hours before it usually happens. I was going through the
chapter two sequel checklist, the other checklist, and the master checklist and
when I got to the part of 'go back over notes and work book notes and make sure
you didn't miss anything' I just fucking folded. I curled up in a little ball
of 'dun wanna'.
*sigh*
So, I dropped it…
I might still pick
it up this morning, yet. Depends on how fast I finish this entry.
- Sleep - I
got to bed late, due to sweetie snuggles… I woke up a full hour before the
alarm and decided to get out of bed anyway, because - coffee.
- Fur-babies - Sadly
only ONE visit yesterday. Dreamy and Splotches were just coming in when I was
panicking because Rain was dropped off at the wrong address. So, I had to run
out to collect him just as Catmom was bringing the fur babies in. She got super
talkative and I had to tell her to STFU so I could go get Rain.
I knocked on her
door after I'd collected him, but she wasn't answering. I feel so bad.
I hope I get a
chance to apologize and get some kitty kuddles today.
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine - 4
cups. Don't judge me.
Shut up.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - I'm
in a really tough spot with Bran right now. Just learning that he might be gone
longer… that he might not make it back before our anniversary.
Fuck. That hurts.
It hurts more than
I'm letting on, even to you.
But, I have back up
systems in place. Both the Blue Falcon and Jasper have been given the heads up.
And if Cookie and Rain come back for third dates, I'll add them to the
favorites section and ask for their continued support as well.
Rain says he might
spend the night sometime. (squee!)
So, if I can't get
Jasper that night, Rain would be an amazing back up plan. I'm going to ask Rain
for an overnight before then, though. Just in case Jasper can't make it, I need
to know for sure if I can sleep okay next to Rain.
Relationships / Sweeties:
The original plan
was for him to make it to my place by 4:30 pm. But, just after 4 there was (I’m
not kidding) an extreme, real kidnapping just outside his work. A black van
pulled up and snatched a little girl.
SHIT!
So, he changed his
ETA to 7 (explaining later that he'll overestimate ETA's if he's delayed so
it's a surprise and not a disappointment if he's there earlier)
He got to me about
quarter after 5'ish, but got messed up on the buildings. So, I had to run out
and collect him because I was worried about him. We found each other on the
sidewalk and got a big hug in, right there.
He rocked me.
Soothing hugs… good
sign of what was to come.
- 1) good company: OMG. We talked so fucking much. But, we'll get
to that.
Okay, as previously
mentioned, he's a bully survivor, so his energy is very loving. After we talked
for a little bit, I went to make the popcorn. He hung out with me in the
kitchen while I prepared it. Then we sat down with IMDB and figured out the
best place to pick up Supernatural Season One for him. He had seen enough of
One that I didn't need to catch him up on much. He already knew about Meg. I
explained that Season One is all about "Where's Dad?" as well as
"What's up with Sam's psychic visions?" but we only watched Bugs. I'm
saving Home for his next visit. We might try to nail down more than one episode
and he's actually (really) looking forward to Season Four where the drop the
bomb on the fourth wall for the first time.
We decided on Bugs
because of the funny bits about sexual orientation. He was amused.
I did move the
popcorn bowl to get some snuggles in before the episode ended. Then we decided
on more cuddles in the bedroom.
- 2) good conversation: A vast majority of the conversation was
post-coital… where we were just naked and close to each other while we talked.
For the life of me,
if you ask me what we talked about, I couldn't fucking tell you!!
All I know is that
it was good!!
There was some soul
bearing, but not much. I kept it in check and I didn't have any emotional break
downs with him. He's not ready for that yet. He's still in the 'cheer you up if
you're sad' phase as a healer. It's going to take some time to get him comfortable
with the process of pulling pain out of people. But, I'm totally on board as a
teacher, and I'm hopeful he'll allow me to take it there with him.
We also inflicted
funny YouTube video's on each other. He's been fully introduced to both Stanley
the Honeybadger and Dr. Tran. I even showed him the LotR Catapult.
Ye Gods…
His laughter.
Fuck me.
I love making him
laugh. He's one of those 'full body' laughter types. It was so wonderful. We
talked about so much and just enjoyed each other.
He wanted to leave
about 11'ish, and that was fine with me because 11 is my bedtime. But when my
pill-minder started shaking at me, I just ignored it. I was enjoying him so
much. He was enjoying me too. He actually ended up leaving closer to 11:30 and
both of us would have loved an overnight if he didn't have to be up early
today. He's heading up north for a short vacation.
Okay… I'm addicted
to his presence… I'm not afraid to admit it.
Emotional attachment
is forming.
I promise not to go
crazy about it, okay?
- 3) good snuggles: I really wish the report here was as good.
I mean, don't get me
wrong, he's GOOD. But, he could have been better in the snuggles department.
When I got close as we were still watching Supernatural, there was some hand
holding. Then he put his arm around me and did some finger trails on my shoulder.
That was good!
When we moved to the
bedroom, there was mutual holding. That was awesome.
Post-coital though…
he was just next to me. Actively very engaged in conversation, but not really
engaged in mutual touch. I'm not really sure if he was holding back, or why he
might have been holding back. It might have just been a comfort level thing.
We'll see how it
goes next time.
- 4) good sex: Pros and cons here as well.
On the one hand, he
was TOTALLY cool with adjustments having to be made on positioning. He clearly
felt it when my legs got fatigued and he was the one who suggested the shift to
me being face down. I've also been told that it was the best head he's ever
had.
And yet… there were
performance issues. Which I'm NOT upset about. All guys go through them. It
just makes me worry that it was me. That he was somehow not attracted to me
enough to really fuck me. He also held back, A LOT… heh… it's going to take me
some time to get him comfortable with getting rough with me.
The GOOD STUFF: - he
licked my pussy… steered clear of the clit, just like I asked him to. He did
feel good inside me. Like really good. He's well endowed. But, his body just
wasn’t' cooperating.
It's fine though.
He didn't leave
after it became clear that sex wasn't going to work out. That's the major
thing!! He actually stayed later than he'd intended and neither of us wanted
him to leave, but he had to go.
I know… I know…
Stop judging me.
I like him… a lot…
and if he keeps this up I'm going to love him. I won't have a choice. It's like
Gingersnap and Jasper. My heart just can't hold back. Hell, even the Dragon is
still in there too.
I hope he's okay
being loved.
- Updates on
Favorites - Nothing really new here on either Jasper or the Blue Falcon.
You already know the most recent update about my asking for extra support
around April 3rd if I need it.
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers - Not a peep out of the guy from Monday night. Fuck it. Another
one lost. Which sucks. He had so much fucking muscle!! Such a turn on!
- The Hopefuls
- No one new on the radar. At least no one worth mentioning.
And there you have
it…
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