... where's a dark hole when you need one... ?

I don't think I can write today. The muse just isn't with me.

No, it's not gaming addiction.

It's survival mode.

It's me being deadlocked in the realization that Bran's not coming home any time soon. The knowledge that he's still with _her_, despite how many times I told him that was NOT okay with me… the awareness that I have to start dating again.

*sigh*

I have to feed if I'm going to make it through this, and that means suffering all the one-night-stands in the search of sweeties who will actually stick.

I hate all of this.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy -  Insult to injury, my phone just got shut off again… so there will be no Valkyrie or Bubbles today like I was hoping.

 - Writing - I don't think I can today. I'm just not with my characters enough to manage this.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - Bands should arrive today or tomorrow.

 - Fur-babies - They came over last night while the Blue Falcon was here, but no one requested cuddles.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I got to bed over an hour late last night, so I'm probably going to treat myself to 4 today.

 - Blood Sugar - 136… not optimal

 - INR - Fuck you…

 - Nervous System - … T-Mobile

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I know he knows I’m not okay right now. I know he's calling me more to try to get me through it. I know he's blaming himself for me having to subject myself to the dating meat grinder again.

I know he feels like a failure in our relationship.

I know I'm probably not being the most reassuring right now.

I know we'll get through this.

It's just that right now it feels like I’m not going to survive it.

And I really just don't know how to help him to help me right now.

 - The Unicorn - Got a text from JerkDad yesterday asking if I wanted to switch weekends to celebrate Mothers Day. I said no… Honestly I don't really care. The holiday means nothing to me. He can take her if he goes to visit his mom, or something.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - *sigh* - So, I guess watch out for reports here soon… and wish me luck on my sanity.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - He let me cry on his shoulder so much last night, it was really wonderful. He also took care of dinner too. He ordered over the phone and then jaunted out to pick it up. I love it that we offer to try each others food the way that a couple would.

I told him that I love him.

He told me that he's thankful, but he doesn't reciprocate. I told him that was more than okay. I just wanted him to know he'd made it past that wall.

After dinner and once the kitties left, things got naked.

We didn't exactly have sex, but he did comment on how wet I was for him. ( I do get seriously wet, everyone comments on that ) - Mostly he just wanted to cuddle me while he was inside me. OMG… so fucking sweet.

He knows I feed off of proximity to masculine energy and he gave it to me.

I should say that I do feel slightly better today. A little less raw. A little less like someone has taken an auger to my chest.

It's just too bad that he had to leave and head back to work. But he gave me a good 3 hours of his time and he's coming back on Thursday to give me some more cuddles.

I'm really glad that I have him in my life.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - I was contacted by a new guy last night. He opened by saying that I seem to be exactly what he's looking for, so I asked him to elaborate and he said: "im looking for someone to be there, and someone older and frisky:) "

As the conversation continued, we drilled it down to the points that we had the same feelings on sex, connections, rapport and depth level in relationships. As I expressed my preferences, he told me I was him, but a woman.  :)

I continued to ask questions, just checking to see if the gods were being kind now that Friday has stopped talking to me. It's too soon to tell, of course, but this guy might be able to pick up where Friday left off. Gentle in the streets, freak in the sheets kind of Dominant.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hopeful.

So, yeah… at least there's that.

I’m still capable of feeling hope, at least.

Hope *should* be a good thing.

But, we all know it only leads to me being hurt again.

 - Honorable Mentions - So, that other guy… my date for tomorrow. Zero contact since setting up the date and that's a red flag right there. That usually means they just want sex. So, I’m not sure how that one's going to play out.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

So… I think I’m going to game now.

No instances. Just stuff to help out my guild.

Wish me luck tonight, okay?