... and queue death spiral...

My stomach feels like there's a lead brick sitting in it.

I wish I could just cry until I felt better.

I wish I had gallons of whiskey to get me through this.

I wish I had someone to talk to who could be with me and hold me.

I wish the pain would stop.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I finally have a phone again, but due to a change in insurance I'm not sure if medical rides are covered anymore. So, tomorrow I'll be trying out the T-Mobile Tuesday 'Free Lyft Ride' - Covers a round trip for up to $10 total and given that Valkyrie is only about 5 minutes away, that should be just about if not entirely covered.

It's a good thing too. I really need her right now. I need some answers. Some suggestions that she might have to combat these dark emotions.

 - Writing - I ended up taking yesterday off. I was just hurting too much. I plan to do more today - just so I can at least finish working on the current chapter and getting the revisions ready for Valkyrie.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - My band is still broken, so no sleep reports yet, but I got some help with this. I chatted with a customer service agent about my order of the replacements, which hadn't actually gone through at all. So, based on the a) problems with my order, and b) the fact that my band had broken on me. He decided to c) replace my band with not one, but two bands, and expedited ship them to me. For free. So, there will be sleep reports coming in again soon.

 - Fur-babies - Dreamy and Splotches did come by yesterday, but I was with a team in game so my lap wasn't free. Splotches got some pets but they both mostly kept their distance.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I kept it to 3 today.

 - Blood Sugar - 127 this morning. So, not perfect, but not bad.

 - INR - I’m not sure if there will be…

 - Nervous System - … reports on this soon… it depends on whether or not insurance is covering rides.

 - Inflammation - I've raised my turmeric dose… I just feel like I need the extra support right now.

 - Exercise/Yoga - I'm skipping this today… the depression is just too profound.

 - Weight Management - I'm eating a lot less lately… so, that's a good thing at least.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - So, here it is. The source of my sorrow.

I must have told Bran a hundred times or more that I'd be okay with him being gone longer than the 6 months, as long as it wasn't with _her_.

And here it is…

His new goal is to make it back some time in July.

And he's still with her.

I'm devastated.

I can't do this anymore.

So, I did the only thing I could think of.

I re-fleshed out my OKC profile and I started talking to people again.

I have to force my way out of another death spiral and screen more potentials hoping that a sweetie or two will stick. Hoping to meet more Blue Falcons, Rains, or even Fridays.

Hoping to meet guys who can help me cope with the pain.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - There was a plan for him to come over tonight, but he might get held up at work.

*sigh*

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - I have a date scheduled for Wednesday.

I'm not really sure if 'hopeful' is the right word here.

The second I set up the date, his next question was to ask me if I had any unexplored kinks.

*sigh*

So, he's probably just another one-night-stand just waiting to happen.

*shrug*

Whatever.

If that's the case I'll still try to feed at least. I'll try to take what I need from it.

Fuck.

Whatever.

I don't care.

 - Honorable Mentions - I miss Friday. I do really wish I knew what happened to him.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

I feel like I shouldn't have eaten breakfast. It's just sitting there in my stomach. One big lump. A solid mass that feels like it's not going to break down.

I can't do this.

I can't be without Bran.

I won't survive this.