I've always been a water baby

Tuesday's and Wednesday's are my Early Start days. They're the two days out of the week when I have to be somewhere, so I get up earlier. That way I can fit in Coffee and Contemplation/Yarn Therapy, and still get my blog posted before I have to leave for my appointments. Then by the time I get home, pretty much everything else is done and I can just relax. Most of the time I'll take a nap. Then I'll watch something and partake in more Yarn Therapy.

However, after next week, all that might change.

Next week is my first session of Aquatic Therapy. It's pretty darn likely that it will all work out and I'll need to do it several days a week to start bringing my weight down.

It will suck to have to get up and go places every day, or every other day... but, it's probably worth it to get some exercise in that won't trigger the inflammation.

I really need to get back on track and start counting calories again too. I'm tired of hovering around the same, unhealthy weight.

Now... I'm not sure how often I'd be in Aquatic Therapy, chances are it still might not be enough to see any real difference. Thankfully, Bran and I still intend to join a gym sometime soon'ish. Those visits will be in the evening and I will probably have a pool to myself where I can bob around and do my thing.

Might sound strange, but I'm actually pretty in love with the idea.

I've always been a water baby.

Now I just need to hope and pray that my swimsuit still fits.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – Yeah, so I saw both Bubbles and Valkyrie yesterday. Bubbles and I agreed that since I had zero adverse effects to cutting that one psyche med in half, it would be just fine to eliminate it completely. Truth is, I only asked for that one because I needed her to turn my emotions off during those Screeching Harpy days. That bitch is no longer a problem, so I no longer require the numbing effect of that particular med.  

I see Bubbles again in a month to see if we can wipe out one of the other meds that I supposedly use to help me sleep. To be honest, that med never worked that well, so I don't anticipate any problems there.  

I also had a chance to share with her what's been going on with JerkDad, and she even used the word Narcissist without me having to say it.

Then I had Valkyrie time!!

We missed each other. We had to skip last week because I was seeing my weight loss doctor.  

I told her all about the latest with JerkDad too, and she's equally concerned about the Unicorn's health. Her strongest advice, since we all know that JerkDad won't listen to me, was to suggest that the Unicorn herself request a nutritional screening of her own.

Which, I hate to say it, she probably won't do.

She has the very abused, broken puppy syndrome where she's afraid to speak up for her needs.

I'm pretty sure this is going to be one of those things where JerkDad's behavior will have to land the Unicorn in a hospital bed before he'll listen to anyone.

Naturally I entertain the fantasy about CPS needing to get involved at that point.

I also talked with Valkyrie at length about this being the first time I'd stood up to him, and Bran helping me figure out why this time was different. And now that I've seen JerkDad tuck tail and fucking RUN at the first sign of opposition, I want MORE.

I want him to come at me so I have the chance to call him a narcissistic sociopath to his face. Not even in a safe little email this time. Right to his actual face, and then dare him to get a full psychiatric evaluation when he denies it. I want to tell him to not just 'say' I'm wrong, but fucking 'PROVE' me wrong. That if he can get a psychologist to sign off on the fact that he doesn't have narcissistic sociopathy, I'll back down. But if I'm right, he needs to get treatment.

Valkyrie and I both smiled at that one.

It's a cute fantasy, but we both acknowledge that for right now, a fantasy is all it is.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Reading – Okay... I'm definitely at the 'I don’t care about the characters anymore' point with the current read. The heroine is all wrapped up in her head that the divorce isn't final yet, so the guy she wants is technically still married. Even though the wife is in prison for murder and the husband knows she did it and just needs to prove it. So, he's not even in love with the wife anymore and he only wants the heroine and blah blah blah, tragic separation of the one true pairing because the heroine is sticking to her guns that her lover might someday want to reconcile with his wife and she's no home wrecker.

So, right there, I don't share the same prissy family values.

And, secondly, since when is it the responsibility of the soon to be Ex Husband to do the police investigators job?

Ugh... done.

Moving on.

- Yarn Therapy – So, it takes me about 45 minutes to get one full row done if I knit non-stop. And normally I get distracted a lot... so this set of legwarmers is going S L O W... but, hey... at least they'll keep me busy for a while.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 16 minutes, 2x awake, 12x restless, 28 minutes awake/restless. Last night was another bad night for the reflux too. At one point the stomach acid actually burned my esophagus. My doctor told me to contact her if that happened so she could give me something to help control the acid. So, it's on my list to make sure that I do that.

- Fur-babies – Dreamy was in a CUDDLY mood last night! No Yarn Therapy during Cat Therapy!

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Weight Management – I've been HUNGRY lately. Like, really hungry!! Even with the raised dosage on one of my appetite suppressants... I'm still fucking HUNGRY.

What the actual fuck?

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – So, Bran's going to be getting this new job that will keep him busy on the weekends. I know he needs the extra money for bills and to buy the toys he's going to need for the very intermittent job down in Kansas. But, he likes to joke with me that he needs more money just so he can get me on an all Paleo diet. Essentially blaming my special needs for the reason that he has to work every day of the week.

I know he's just joking... but it still trips my guilt triggers.

All the same, though... I am really looking forward to being able to afford the Bone Broth Protein powder.

- The Unicorn – Other than what was already mentioned regarding JerkDad, there's no update here.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – I sent him a Happy Anniversary text last night and thanked him for pretty much saving my life in 2017. He texted back that he's glad that he met me and he's happy that he was able to help.

I know that means a lot to him. His primary function is to help people, and he gets taken advantage of A LOT! So, being appreciated and seeing the way his care and attention has actually paid off for someone. I know he feels good about it.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Crush – You have NO idea how hard it's been to prevent myself from messaging her. With Bran's new weekend job coming up, I'll have the place to myself on the weekends. The Chamber of Snuggles will once again be able to open its doors.

Naturally, the first person I would think of to bring into those soft folds would be my Cuddle Crush.

Doom!

Doom, I say!

Every emotional strand in me is screaming "Invite her over! Because white chocolate popcorn, and Lost Girl! She's a succubus too, she'd be all over that shit!"

And every logical strand is countering with "Cassandra Complex!!"

So far, logic is winning...  

Good.

Let's keep it that way.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

As usual, I seem to have very little to say in closing... Bran is awake now, so I'm going to get to posting this and get on with my day.

One year with the Blue Falcon!

Headache Update: Bran picked up some Excedrin Migraine for me last night. It seemed to help for a little while, but sleep seemed to help a whole lot more. It doesn't seem to be bothering me as much this morning, but it is still there.

And on with the actual post:  

OMG! Guess what?

It was a year ago tonight that I had my first real date with the Blue Falcon. I still remember exactly how nervous I was because I knew he didn't have a clue about what was really in the background of my personal life. I thought that once he found out I was married, that would be it for us.

I remember sitting him down with the exact words "Damage Control", after which I confessed my married status, but he didn't seem fazed. Then I offered him a Sweetie position and he told me he didn't know what that meant.

No worries! I'll explain!

A sweetie is way more than fuck buddy, but not as serious as boyfriend. It hits the sweet spot right in the middle, like a sweetheart. Hence, sweetie.

He acknowledged that the condition sounded favorable, but he still didn't know what a Sweetie does.

I loved the fuck out of the fact that he asked these questions right away. He knew I was offering him a job and he wanted to make damn sure he had all the qualifications.

So, I quickly explained again, the four precepts of a good sweetie are:  

1) Good Company – He nodded, he could totally do that.

2) Good Conversation – Another nod, he was positive he could excel there.

3) Good Snuggles – NOD! He was so 'in'.  

4) Good Sex – NOD NOD NOD! Is that all? Fuck, this is the easiest, funnest job ever!

All settled, I needed a Sweetie and he was all too happy to be one.

He also clarified his own relationship goals:

The Blue Falcon desperately wanted (and still does) to be a father and to raise children from tiny, little babies with his genetic code into functional, well balanced adults. So, his ultimate relationship goal was to find a woman his own age that could make that possible. We both agreed that woman wasn't me, and that he would be monogamous to her when he found her. So, of course, at that point the sexual part of our relationship would be over, but we would always remain friends.  

All settled.

I would let him go when he found his mate.

Might suck... but, we'd still have fun in the meantime.

We covered all that information in less than half an hour... and then, if I remember correctly, he ripped my clothes off for a good SnuggleFuck.

--

The Blue Falcon continues to be the one of the best fucking things that's ever happened to me.

He was the sole survivor that got me through the primary hardships of 2017 with Bran being gone. He even took it to the level of staving off his own girlfriend search so he could dedicate himself to being there for me. Something he absolutely did not have to do, but he really wanted me to be okay. To him, I was worth that much that he put off his own happiness and future for it.

He's been a part of the Unicorn's life too as a Mentor.  

He gets along with Bran too.

It's been a very good year and I wouldn't trade a second with him for anything else in the world.

I love my Blue Falcon.

Rawr.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – As previously mentioned, I see both Bubbles and Valkyrie today. So, yay, off one more med. And also... I think it will be good to talk about how I finally stood up to JerkDad. Granted, his bullshit about how he didn't respond because he *cough!*bullshit*cough!* didn't want to seem 'rude', sort of takes the wind out of my sails. It's still the fact that I did it that matters.

I should note that since finding that out (and yeah, I realize I haven't told you this, it's in the Unicorn's section below), my thoughts have been very preoccupied with the fact that I wish he HAD responded, so I could have handed his narcissistic ass to him again.  

I was actually really confused about what the hell had gotten into me this time. Why, oh why, did I finally stand up to him 'this specific time'. What is it about this situation that was so different that suddenly I have my fucking voice?

Bran helped me decode it. There is a very real risk to the Unicorn's physical health here. It's not like her mental health where I know I can just get her a good therapist later to work damage control. This time she had a very severe physiological response to what he was doing to her body in the name of 'better health' that was clearly backfiring. And he saw NOTHING wrong with this.

So, that was it, I guess.  

I was done being timid.

I really can't wait to tell Valkyrie about this!!

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Reading - Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy – Yarn was severely impacted by the headache last night. After a while I just couldn't handle the bright light needed to see the yarn by, so I had to shut it down. My addictive brain whined a lot about that.

This morning I got a whole row in during Coffee and Contemplation.

Headache seems much better, so I’m hoping to get more in later.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 17 minutes, 4x awake, 16x restless, 54 minutes awake restless. - not bad, I guess.

- Fur-babies – I was deep in ultra-tension/fatigue/headache nap with the sound off on my phone when Catmom called. So, poor Dreamy didn't get his snuggle time, but we're just going to have to live with it.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Nervous System – OMG, I cannot wait for my adjustment tomorrow.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – I'm really glad that I have Bran to help me sort out my brain when I don't understand what the fuck is going on with it. I think it's amazing that he knows my mind so well. He understands the kinds of things that would trigger me into certain actions. All we have to do is talk about it when I'm confused, and he helps me sort it all out.

That's pretty fucking amazing.

- The Unicorn – Okay, so last night after my 'nap' that ran way too fucking long, I did call the Unicorn to make sure she was okay. She's fine, so we're good there.

Then she told me it was all just one big misunderstanding between me and JerkDad. She said that he'd sent me a link to the school menu (no he did not), and that he'd been explaining about the nutritionist – saying that the statistical data was for BOTH of them.

Oh, and here's the real kicker. The reason he didn't actually tap this all out in a response, and instead relied on his fucking child to deliver the message... yeah... get this. He didn't want to seem 'rude'.

I... I just... I just can't.

For starters, he's the rudest mother fucker on the planet, especially when trying to prove that he's so much better than me, and even more especially when trying to prove that he's the much better parent.

No, the obvious reason he didn't respond is that he couldn't allow himself to acknowledge even the tiniest shred that he might be wrong about something. He's a narcissist. Plain and simple. He must be the absolute authority at all times.

And now I really wish he would have responded. I really wish he would have tried to justify that the information _his_ rock star nutritionist was giving him was good enough for the _both_ of them. Because _his_ rock star nutritionist ran blood tests on him and everything... so he must know what he's doing.

Okay... here's the thing... I don't question the rock star nutritionist one single bit. I don't question that JerkDad is making the right choices for _him_ based on his rock star nutritionists expert advice.

I question the fact that this absolute fuck head of a JerkDad is using the advice prescribed to a grown ass, adult male, with cholesterol issues, and applying that data/advice to a young, barely teenage FEMALE who just started her period within the last year and no doubt has a whole fucking host of hormonal and otherwise physiological nutritional deficiencies and needs.

I mean.... for fucks sake... is he really just that fucking stupid? Doesn't he realize that his rock star diet that's no doubt working wonders for him, could land her in a hospital bed?

That's right up there with the mom that fed her peanut allergic son peanut butter sandwiches because her tiny little brain just could not grasp the concept that peanut butter was made from peanuts.

This is 100% pure lack of common sense on his part that will likely harm my child.

I'll have to tap out an email to my nutritionist and ask what the dangers are... then maybe I can reopen this dialog and hand him his narcissistic ass again.

And this whole 'I didn't want to be rude' thing. OMG, such total bullshit. He just couldn't form a response because he couldn't acknowledge that he might be wrong about something.

And one last thing!

Even IF his rock star nutritionist was right about this shit, it's only information that's valuable nights and every other weekend. It still has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what her school feeds her!!

SO STUPID!!

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – We covered this... a year of Sweetie bliss!! *purrawr*

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Crush – I keep having these little fantasies of all the ways she could find her way into my arms... all the ways we could try to make it work...  

I know...

It's stupid.

The Casandra Complex knows just how doomed we are to fail. How doomed I am to live with the devastation that I've broken her worse. How doomed she is to hate me forever after.  

For her sake, I hope I'm able to let this go before any damage is done. Otherwise the Law of Attraction is going to throw her right in my path and seal our fates.

Will I be strong enough to push her away?

Only time will tell.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Coffee's almost done... headache doesn't seem so bad... yet...

*crossing fingers*

Let's hope it doesn't come back.