What is it going to take to get me over it?

I just tapped out a very agonizing and tense response email to JerkDad.  

I had written him because the Unicorn had reported some strange biological symptoms to eating meat, as well as telling me that they'd gone mostly vegetarian for some unknown reason.

It had me worried. I didn't want him arbitrarily cutting out meat on the whacky notion that it might somehow make him healthier, especially with the impact that could have on the Unicorn.

He settled me down, which is good on him. He explained that he's already working with a nutritionist and that he's trying to get his cholesterol under control, but he's not banning the Unicorn from meat at all.

For the most part his email was fine, but there was still that really condescending, narcissistic tone in there that set me on edge.

My response was gentle and amiable, but I did ask him to double check the menu for the Unicorn's school breakfasts because she told me it was mostly breads (starch/carb madness!), and maybe eggs one day a week.

I'm okay, I guess.

It's just really hard to talk to him.

I still have all that bad juju from the years of emotional and mental abuse and it's just so hard to keep the bad juju under control. My stomach still tightens every time I have to communicate with him in any fashion. Even just texts or emails where I have this huge buffer there. I can still *feel* all that judgement and contempt. And it still feels awful.

It's been over 10 years since I left him...

I'm happier and more loved than I've ever been...

What is it going to take to get me over it?

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – I'm going to go ahead and admit that my fixation isn't going anywhere. In fact, it's even worse now that I've been in recent contact with my fixation. Not face to face, but close enough for my feelings to expand considerably. I've probably run at least a hundred dialogs in my head for how I would justify a relationship that would get me close enough to satisfy us both, but not so close that my fixation's heart would be in any danger of breaking. (yeah, I know... wishful thinking)  

An ambigusweetie of the Cuddle variety.

My fixation is a now Cuddle Crush.

So, there's the code name... since this isn't going anywhere. Further updates on the fixation will be under "Ambigusweeties", Code Name "Cuddle Crush".

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Reading - Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy – I'm four rows away from the test fit on the left leg warmer. (pics pending), and then I can get this going two-at-a-time style.

Battle plan from there:

• Straight cast on my BonBon Waffles with the waffle hole demonstrated in 3x3, 4x4, and 5x5. Put to a vote on which waffle hole shows the best BonBon without compromising the integrity of the turquois waffle lines. Also, I want the purls on those waffle holes to dip in, so the knit waffle lines are raised. - I expect the voting to take some time – hence why this is happening now, and not when I'm actually ready to work the project.
• Coffee and Contemplation will return to finishing the embellishments on Misha's leg warmers and infinity scarf. Those take a LOT of braining and I can really only brain that much in the mornings.
• Solid downtime will be all about the Spiritual Ripples. (the one I'm currently working on)

My naming convention for these projects, I.e. BonBon Waffles and Spiritual Ripples, goes like this: Part One "BonBon / Spiritual" is the color choice. BonBon is the PRETTY yarn, and Spiritual is the color pallet I chose my ripple pattern from. So, obviously, Part Two of the naming convention is related to the pattern. I stole 'ripples' from a washcloth pattern and modified it to two colors while also putting it in the round. Waffles will look like waffles. There will be square 'lines' with smaller square 'divots' in the middle that will make the pattern look like a very colorful waffle.

LOL.

Yes, I'm pure fucking crazy about my yarn slutting.

I think it's hilarious that I use my training in Color Theory from my former life as a web/graphic designer to pick out yarn colors!

Srsly... total whack job here.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 4 hours 35 minutes, 4x awake, 11x restless, 41 minutes awake/restless - I really need to note that this reading is more than just a tad off because I forgot to tell my Fitbit app when I actually woke up this morning. So it has me going to bed at the correct time (1:52am), but it's showing my water refill and snack (7:08am) as my wake-up time. In actuality, I went back to sleep after that 'not so midnight' snack. I slept until Bran's alarm went off at 8:30am.

Oops?

- Fur-babies – Dreamy came over for a nice, non-disruptive nap time last night. All good.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Blood Sugar – See, and now it's actually remembering to set a timer after I eat so I can remember to check my non-fasting Blood Sugar.  

Fuck.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Yesterday he did the sweetest thing.  

He was very busy with something in the other room, but he had a small break. So, right before that break I got this text message asking me to remove my pants. Which I did immediately. He was soon back in the bedroom and fucking the snot out of me. It was awesome.

I did notice that he was being a shade more affectionate yesterday. Coming back more frequently for hugs.

Also... I wandered out there stark raving naked just before I took my shower...

I gave him a naked hug.

Yeah...

… that probably set things off a little bit.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Crush – The biggest concern here, of course, is still Cuddle Crush's precious heart. The risk is still very much there. If I get too close, I could make things worse instead of better and I could break that beautiful heart.

Then again... to be honest, Cuddle Crush seems much stronger than those that have been broken by Bran or I in the past. I mean, there are some mental health concerns, yes. But there is also a directive present to get those mental health concerns under control.

Cuddle Crush may have moments of weakness when external triggers get bad, but I've also born witness to at least one pretty fast/solid bounce back.

I think that if I were very up front and honest about mine and Bran's mutual past with heart breaking, I could easily set the stage for Cuddle Crush to watch for the danger signs of codependence.  

I really think that we could work this out.

Or, I might be just fooling myself.

I hope I'm not.

I'm so dying to snuggle the stuffin' out of this delicious crush.

(naked too)

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Okay, so – I'm hungry – I'm going to take care of that and remember to set my timer – then I'll come back to posting this.