Oh, my godz... I hurt so fucking much today.
It didn't even hit me until after I sent the Unicorn home. I must have had some sort of adrenaline thing going when she was here that was keeping me in Mom Mode. But, the second she left, it all just came crashing down on me... the tension headache, the fatigue, the complete and absolute inability to brain. I could barely even speak.
And, I'd scarcely eaten a thing all day. I knew I needed food, but I literally could not brain enough to make food go.
Bran was there in a pinch. He baked me one of the frozen pizzas I keep around for the Unicorn and I watched some edgy Teen Drama all the way into the food coma.
Sleep was not the best.
I'm still tired, sore, headachy, and generally all around fucked up.
Normally I expect to feel better after Coffee and Contemplation, especially when combined with Yarn Therapy... but today is a no-go. I already feel like I need a nap, but now I'm freshly caffeinated, so that's going to have to wait a bit until the rest of my body catches up with the sandpaper in my eyelids.
I love Bran, don't get me wrong, but some days I really wish he was into giving massages.
Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Therapy – I really feel like shit right now. Just a metric fuck ton of guilt and regret. I pushed the Unicorn so hard last night and she was so done, but I kept pushing. Then she left and I crashed. Now I realize that she was feeling that same tension, fatigue, and pain while we were still working and I was pushing her through all of that?
I'm a horrible fucking mother.
I have to call her after school today and find out if she's okay.
Side Note: I’m really looking forward to my session with Valkyrie tomorrow. I can't wait to tell her that I finally stood up to Jerkdad and called him an egocentric ass.
Additional Side Note: I see Bubbles tomorrow too. I expect to rock on with my bad self and wipe out that one psyche med because I really don't need it anymore.
Go me.
- Writing – Nothing new to report.
- Reading - Nothing new to report.
- Yarn Therapy – There was no fucking way I was going to try to brain Misha's shit this morning. So I stuck the fuck to the Spiritual Ripples. It's a slow pattern with all the yarn changes, but it will be very rewarding when it's done. I'm kinda paranoid about running out of yarn, though. It's KnitPicks yarn, so it's expensive.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 25 minutes, 2x awake, 16x restless, 50 minutes awake/restless - I'm not sure how accurate this is. Sometimes if I eat and then lay down, my food likes to travel back up my esophagus and I wake up choking on it. The early morning (few hours before the alarm) bathroom/water/snack sleep interruption was no exception today. Fucking caramel nut Danish asshole pastry of doom. It felt like I was coughing up vomit for at least two hours.
Probably another reason why I fell like absolute shit today.
- Fur-babies – Dreamy had a nice nap with me last night. Just your standard, loving Cat Therapy.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Blood Sugar – I had an alarm set to check my blood sugar last night, and it was almost time, and then Bran brought me citrus salad...
… yeah...
- Nervous System – I hope I don't continue to feel like shit, but thank goodness the chiropractor is this week anyway.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – He's in one of his extra affectionate moods today. The ones where the visits are way more frequent and they're not just a quick hug/kiss. They're like half a hug and then a kiss that lasts about a minute and a half. After which he has to adjust the Mo.
Yup... it's going to be one of 'those' kinds of lunch break days.
LOL.
I still feel like hell, but I will accommodate.
- The Unicorn – I can't wait to call her... I really hope she's making it through the day okay...
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon – I'm going to wait until tomorrow and hope that I feel better.
- Sweeties -
- Bear – Not 20 seconds after I said I didn't feel anything for Bear anymore, he texted me. I mean, It's okay, I know he doesn't read this. But still. Disturbance in The Force much?
I asked Bran what I should do, especially with Bran's weekend job being a thing. He told me to keep Bear around just in case I really need someone when Bran's spending weeks down in Kansas. And then I reasoned that I don’t /have/ to tell Bear that Bran got a weekend job...
So... yeah...
I really expected Bear to be fine without me.
Not sure how I feel about all of this.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Cuddle Crush – I've been very careful not to use pronouns when writing about Cuddle Crush. This has a very great deal to do with my vow to never again trust anything with tits.
Dammit, but she got through.
She decimated my every defense long before I realized I'd been breeched.
And, it's not that I've been reawakened to women. It's just woman. It's just her. She's special.
But, I told her I'm not into chicks, which is still true. What I feel for her isn't the least bit sexual. It's just very intimate. But, I don't think any of that is bleeding through any time I've reached out to her since our first chat. That was when I told her I wasn't flirting with her. I think she must have felt that I'd rejected her, so now she's not as open.
She seduced me without even realizing it, and now I'm nowhere near seducing her.
And!
For Fucks Sake!
Cassandra Complex!!
If I were ever successful in seducing her, I'd only be doomed to destroy the fuck out of her.
So, I really just need to fucking stay away.
Ugggghhhhhh....!!!
…
…. why do I get the feeling that I'm so, incredibly screwed here?
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
Bran just checked on me again... he can tell I'm far from okay.
I need to make a phone call and then I'll get to posting this.
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