You ever have one of those obsessive thoughts that you know is unhealthy, but your mind just can't stop circling it anyway?
I don't know if it's just a Borderline thing, but I know I sometimes get these infinite loops of dialog in my head that can involve a real person. Technically, it could probably be considered overthinking, but I'm not really sure about that.
This is usually the type of fixation that would eventually develop into a Ghost Story, just so I could get it out of my head. Only this time, if I wrote it, I'd dare not post it to Baphomet Called or this person could very easily discover my little infatuation.
*sigh*
Emotionally, I'm in knots... I'm drawn to someone.
Logically, it goes in defiance of several personal rules as well as violating a pact that I have with Bran. More to the point, the potential for some serious drama is pretty high. I've made this exact mistake before, and I’m loathe to make it again.
Lessons learned.
I'm smart enough to stay away...
… I just wish I could get my brain to shut up about it.
Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Therapy – So, aside from that little compulsion (okay, maybe not so little) being potentially a BPD thing, I think I’m pretty cool. I'm not noticing any other mental health symptoms plaguing me, despite the lack of sleep continuing to be an issue.
The sleep thing isn't even an insomnia issue, not even with the occasional accidental assault of the refrigerator light on my eyes in the wee hours. I still seem to get back to sleep just fine after I've refilled my water bottle*.
No, it's just Bran's rather untidy and limited sleep schedule that fucks me up. He's never down for much longer than 6 hours, so neither am I. (humph)
However, yet again, I have coffee! And I also have the luxury of an afternoon nap if I really need it.
Bran is the one with the day job that he needs to be alert for and he would get zero rest if he tried to adhere to a sleep schedule that would give me more adequate slumber.
So, it sticks.
Not insomnia, but still a sleep disorder of sorts. LOL
*Normally I have to shut my eyes really tightly and turn away when taking the water pitcher out or putting it back, just so I don't burn out my eyes on the light. Bright lights in the middle of the night used to wake me up and make it impossible for me to get back to sleep.
- Writing – Since I can't post this dialog ramble as a Ghost Story, I still might hammer it down in my private journal as nothing more than a dialog. So, it wouldn't be a complete story with thoughts, actions, descriptions, or settings. It would just be the 'who said what' of it all.
Trouble is, I'm not even in the mood to do that.
Yarn addiction.
It's a thing.
- Reading – Nothing new to report.
- Yarn Therapy – So, I had to rip and restart (yes, again).
I was marginally comfortable with fucking up the placement of the button holes because it wouldn't really be noticeable from the back. But, somehow I lost six stitches somewhere. That's a whole inch worth of fabric that fucked up the fit of the leg warmer entirely. So, since I didn't know where I'd lost the six stitches, it would have been impossible to replicate the error on the other leg warmer.
Ergo, at that point, better to rip and restart. Just get it all right including fixing the button hole issue and meticulously counting those fucking stitches every Gods damned row.
Adjusting the button hole pattern was the hard part. I literally had to break out pen and paper to draw them out so I could mockup the over/under of the cord**. Then I was TOTALLY screwed because at the end I had a big ass gap of five stitches where I couldn't put another hole or it would screw the whole thing up again.
So, I had to get really creative.
I cleaned up the end so it laid out properly, and then I redistributed the five stitches at semi-regular intervals around the pattern as a whole. So, now some of the gaps between the button holes are six stitches instead of five, but the extra stitch here and there shouldn't be noticeable.
It should still be super cute.
**I'm not putting actual buttons through these holes. I'm passing a cord through them that will tie off with some cute little tassels at the sides of my legs.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 46 minutes – again, sleep interruption data didn't record. *grump*
- Fur-babies – We had both Dreamy and Splotches last night. Naturally Splotches did his noisy thing, so I had to lock him up in my room, but Bran let Dreamy hang with him for a bit. Dreamy is just so mellow, and even if he does make noise it's not very loud. He's a low volume squawker.
Anyway, after a while I was able to open the door. Dreamy took his usual long nap at the edge of my bed and when Catmom called I found Splotches resting in the blue wingback chair in the living room.
All was well.
I love those cats.
I'm not ashamed to admit that Dreamy is my favorite, though.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – I continue to be amazed by the things I can tolerate now that, to the best of my memory, I used to be really annoyed/upset by before.
I don't even care when he farts. I just marvel at whatever was brave enough to crawl up his ass and die.
I don't care that he stays in the bathtub for hours at a time. I somehow still feel like he's right next to me.
Last night, when he got out of the tub, he still wasn't done watching Blue Bloods.
In our former life I vehemently HATED his cop drama marathons.
I also hated the medical dramas, law dramas, political dramas... essentially, I hated everything he enjoys. It all pissed me off because he'd watch that shit for HOURS and I would just get so burned out on it.
Okay, so last night, he comes to the bedroom with Blue Bloods (a cop drama) still playing on his iPad, and then left the marathon running while he played Watchdogs 2.
I didn't fucking care.
I mean, wow.
I. Did. Not. Care.
I was somehow perfectly content to just sit next to him in the bed, knitting my knittables and occasionally conversing while he watched his stupid cop drama and played his video game.
This is what we've matured into.
This is the wife I've become.
I’m just not bitchy about nearly as much as I used to be.
I like it!
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Sweeties -
Nothing new to report.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
Fridays are Bran's short work days, so we were hoping to do a quick Sam's Club run and have 'stuff' before the Unicorn gets here this evening, but they closed down my local Sam's!!
Like literally, Sam's closed a BUNCH of stores overnight. Didn't even warn their own employee's. They just locked the damn doors and said 'NOPE!'
So, now we have to drive pretty far to shop...
This sucks.
:)
ReplyDelete