Bran got the Unicorn safely off to school this morning. It was intensely bittersweet. On the one hand, I knew she needed to return to her normal routine and stuff, but on the other she seemed practically in tears over leaving me.
The way we had so much fun when I helped her with her homework. The stark contrast between what she gets with me and the kind of unconditional love I give her in all situations vs. the rank aroma of contempt and disproval she gets from her father when she's trying to complete her assignments.
I wish I could make things better for her, but my hands are tied. If I took him to court I would lose, bigtime, again, and I already know that. The only way she's getting out of there before she's 18 is if she's the one who takes him to court and so far she's refused to even entertain the idea. She's too wrapped up in the unhealthy attachment with him. Almost a kind of Stockholm Syndrome where she can't bear to hurt his feelings by telling him that she wants to live with me instead.
I feel bad for her, but this is her choice.
I have to trust her.
She'll break those bonds when she's ready to, and until then, all I can do is continue to love and support her. I'll be there for her as much as I can be, no matter what.
Till then I'll proudly wear the mantle of 'The Cool Mom'.
Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Therapy – When I finally finished with all my administrative tasks last night it was well after 9pm... I think close to 10. That never happens. When I put my computer away and laid down to watch something with Bran, I was one gigantic knot of tension from the base of my skull all the way down to my lumbar. I felt it most across the upper part of my back. Just this huge weight across the backs of my shoulder blades. I had a stress headache too.
I broke down fast yesterday. The horror of the hour it took to get the Unicorn into a car to come home. How cold she was...
As okay as I am on most days... all it really takes is the right trigger and I meltdown fast. Yesterday that trigger was a danger to my child and the helplessness I felt in trying to overcome it.
That stress continued into the evening as I desperately tried to get my own things done with interruption after interruption...
I was a frazzled mess by the end of it. Snippy as all get out too.
Yesterday was a bad day. My first really bad day in a while, and I didn't handle it with even a speck of grace.
It's better today, but it just goes to show that even the best of us can crumble sometimes.
- Writing – Nothing new to report.
- Reading – I got a little bit deeper into the latest read today. I'm in chapter 5 now and it's just grazing the edges of beginning to grasp my interest. I might give it until chapter 6 or so... I guess I just don't have the same moral compass as the main character. But, that's no reason why I shouldn't identify with her. I USED to have that moral compass... I just don't anymore.
- Yarn Therapy – I have a bad feeling that it isn't going to happen today...
- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 40 minutes, 5x awake, 14x restless, 48 minutes awake/restless.
- Fur-babies - Dreamy is taking his nap at my feet right now. =^.^=
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- INR – 2.9 - which is on the high end of normal. I've been instructed to take the same dose of medicine, but I don't know... I think I'm going to cut back on Friday just to play it safe.
- Nervous System – I tell ya! After yesterday, I TOTALLY expected my body to be all out of whack today! But, no... I was still holding together really well. So, all is good.
- Inflammation - / - Exercise/Yoga - My chiropractor agrees with my entire current plan. 1) get the protein powder, 2) join a gym, 3) hire a personal trainer for a few weeks to lock down the exercises that will help me without injuring me.
- Weight Management – So, I think I mentioned that by my best recollection, I'm down another seven pounds.
This is good.
However -
I've barely been eating.
This is bad.
If I’m not careful I'll put myself back in starvation mode and risk my weight bottoming out and then exploding like a mushroom cloud like it did before.
So, I need to up my calorie intake... I just need to be smart about it...
*sigh*
This means counting calories again to make sure I’m getting enough.
I fucking hate counting calories.
I always forget.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – We seem very much back to normal. The all clear has been sounded.
I want to cuddle.
- The Unicorn – I miss her a lot... but, I know she's okay.
I just can't wait to see her again.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Sweeties -
Nothing new to report.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
Folks, I'm tired...
I think I'm still bleeding off the stress from yesterday.
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