A lot to wait for.

I spent part of my morning going over my budget. This isn't the easiest thing in the world for me because I live so far below the poverty line it's ridiculous.  

Essentially, I’m on a type of disability for mental health reasons. I was denied by SSI, but since I was long term homeless due to mental instability and its effect on my employability, I was entered into a permanent supportive housing program.

The county pays a monthly stipend to a third party. That party takes a cut of that stipend and then uses the rest to cover my rent and bills. Sometimes there's a little left over and I can make special purchasing requests for other household needs.  

As long as my psychotherapist supports me by signing off on the document that maintains my inability to work due to my mental illness, I remain in this program. It's been a life saver.

Additionally, I receive a small amount of food and cash support from the county.  

My county cash support is cut in half compared to what a normal person would get because of my enrollment in the permanent supportive housing program.

And now I get to the point:

I get less than $100 a month to cover the expenses not covered by the program. So, my budget is extremely thin. Out of that $100, $40 of it is automatically allocated to things like meds not covered by my health insurance.

A lot comes up that's considered 'major expenses'. Anything over $50.

A lot has been put on hold or back burnered for what seems like forever. I haven't replaced my water filter in over a year, for example. My hair is in my way all the time because I can never seem to have enough left over to have it cut. I've been using Linux for months because I still can't afford a Windows Key. The list goes on.

It's a lot to take in. A lot to plan for.

A lot to wait for.

But, with Bran back, some of this is getting taken care of by him too. He has a lot of expenses and an extremely tight budget as well, but we're starting to sort it all out.

We'll get there.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – Something happened this morning that hit me like a fucking dark matter gut punch. It sent my emotions reeling and had my fingers hovering over my keyboard more than once. Just a few kind words from me that might end someone's suffering...

… or it might make it worse.

It hurt so much.

I identify with the pain so much.

I remember exactly what I needed when I was the one in that much pain and I just feel like I could balance the scales by making it right for someone else in the way that it was never made right for me.

But the cost...  

The potential for additional damage.

The harsh reality that when all is said and done I could end up breaking someone harder. That for all my efforts as a healer, I could end up leaving them worse than when I found them.

I have no choice.

I have to stay silent.

I have to watch the horror of the pain continuing to unfold and I have to just sit here and do nothing.

There's no other way out of this. No way for me to make this better without the risk of making it a thousand times worse.

Fuck.

What I wouldn't give for this to be different.

 

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Reading - Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy – Holy fuck! I can barely even contain my levels of squee.

Bran took me yarn shopping yesterday. There are two local craft stores that both stock a heady supply of yarn. I knew what I was looking for. I have 3 skeins at home that I needed companion yarn for in order to have enough for leg warmers.  

As soon as we hit the first store, I started point out the color varieties and the 'pretty' factor of the bargain yarns that I could never find in the expensive, snob yarns. My main reason for giving up o yarn snobbery.  

And then I saw it...

A blend of colors so profoundly beautiful that I started talking to it a full two isles away. "Hello! What are you? You're fucking beautiful! What are you? What are you?" I picked up a skein and started spinning it in my hands so I could find the name of it on the color label.

Fate.

It was the exact yarn I'd seen online that I figured would match perfectly with one of the yarns I had at home.

It was one of the yarns I had been specifically seeking out.

Love.

Two skeins of it came home with me, and then the color comparison could be made. They're a perfect match. The turquoise blues are an exact twin. These will look gorgeous together.

That store didn't have anything else that I was looking for, so it was off to the second store to see what it had. Lo and behold, that store had the matching skeins to the other two that I had at home!

I now have my next three projects mapped out.

What we didn't find was the sparkly yarn I was looking for.

We found those online, though... so, another investment will have to be made at some point.

I also have some snob yarn left over. One set that is _possibly_ enough to get a pair of leg warmers out of, one set that will need many more skeins so I can make a cowl as a gift for the bestie, and two skeins that will need some companions in another color to make leg warmers out of.

So, this brings us back to budget...  

I really need some more circular cables to get some of the snobbery started. Then I can gauge how much it will cost to finish the projects.

Plus I really like the idea of having like 8 projects cast on all at the same time so I can switch my focus if I get bored with one, LOL.

OMG... are you bored out of your skull reading about my yarn addiction yet?

You know you can just skip this part, right?

- Sleep / Fitbit – 4 hours 59 minutes, 1x awake, 13x restless, 32 minutes awake/restless - I see a nap in my future.

- Fur-babies – No Dreamy last night because I wasn't home, but the Blue Falcons cats were their usual friendly selves. When I got there, the Blue Falcon was prepping dinner. So, I sat at the table and kept him company. His black cat, who had been stalking the table, immediately came over to me and demanded lap space. It took her a while to find a comfortable position, but she settled down and cuddled with me for a little bit.

During the movie, like... as soon as I sat down on the sofa, the ginger was all up in my lap. She curled right the fuck up and napped the entire time.

So, no Dreamy, but Cat Therapy was most definitely still had!

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Blood Sugar – I really need to remember to not grab a snack when I'm refilling my water in the  middle of the night. It's only in the mornings when I'm looking at my glucometer and saying: "No, fuck, I ate something! It's not fasting!" That I realize I can't check my fucking blood sugar.

- INR – The stir fry last night had a little spinach in it... probably not enough to matter, but my INR was on the high side of normal last week anyway, so I think I’m okay.

 

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – This was one of those "I reach for you" mornings where we woke up cuddled close and holding hands... after alarms, this advanced into kisses. Not just pecks. The long kisses that signal passions are stirring.

So, of course, the next thing was saying a proper good morning to Mo. He needed kisses and loves too, so he got them. And then there was naked fun... romantic and loving.

Then he had to run off to work before he would be late.

It was good though.

Just one of those mornings where it's so clear how much he missed me when he was gone. How happy he is to be home. How much he loves me and loves having access to me.

He needs me.

It feels good.

He expresses his love towards me in a way that he never has before... it's the way I need to be loved, and it's perfect. He's perfect.

He's exactly what I need.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – There wasn't enough time for euphemistic cuddles, which I'm perfectly fine with!! Even better was the fact that the Blue Falcon didn't feel the need to apologize for the fact that there wasn't enough time for cuddles. Euphemistic or otherwise.

We're back in that really comfortable place where our relationship has perfectly solid footing. I know he cares about me and he still wants me. I know that his care and want will be expressed when there is time for it and I don't feel the least bit deprived of it when it's not there.

He seems to understand that he doesn't need to try so hard to not offend me. He can relax a little more. Let go. Be him. It's okay to not be perfect.

The movie was great, the conversation was great, the evening was great...  

I love him so much.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

I should get going... I still have to try to do the thing for Bran today, despite the blizzard outside.

Wish me luck!!