Beautiful, Broken Things...

I had a brief, but deep, sit down and chat with Bran yesterday.  

I explained about the deepening of my fixation despite all my efforts to the contrary, as well as the emotional gut punch yesterday. The one that left me wanting to confess my crush.

He had exactly one word for me:  

"No."

And then he cut into the complexity of my infatuation with surgical precision.

"It's a beautiful, broken thing, and you want to fix it."

Hammer, meet Nail.

This is not the first time this has happened. In fact, both Bran and I suffer from the same affliction of wanting to fix the beautiful, broken things. And that would be fine if either of us were single, but we're not. Bran and I are a mated pair and we do not desire the Polyamorous lifestyle of being any number greater than a mated 'pair'. At the end of the day, we sleep in a two person bed, and that's that.

Yet, in our non-monogamy, we have continued to be drawn to these beautiful, broken things. We try to fix them. We love them. We allow them to love us.

And then it all just goes to hell.

The broken thing gets jealous of the other partner. The broken thing gets the idea that they should be the mate of the pairing. They begin to believe that they have the right to break up the relationship that Bran and I have.  

Conflict ensues.

Whichever one of us is in love with the broken thing will defend their actions for a little while. Thus threatening the integrity of our core relationship. Things will get bad between Bran and I for a bit. Sometimes really bad. Sometimes devastatingly bad.

And then there's this epiphany that the core relationship is the one that matters and it's time to cut the broken thing loose to fend for themselves on their own.

Thus, thoroughly breaking the holy mother fuck out of the broken things heart and breaking them even harder than they were broken before we stepped in and tried to fix them in the first place.

It's happened more than once. It's a known pattern of behavior. Both Bran and I are guilty of this. And, after the last time, the one that nearly destroyed our relationship, we made a mutual agreement.  

No More Fixer-Uppers

No more broken things.

Yesterday Bran reminded me that this rule applies just as much to me as it does to him.

So, that's that.

I will never confess my feelings to/for my beautiful, broken thing.

My reasons are 50/50.

It's half that I will not ever threaten the integrity of my relationship with Bran ever again.

But, it is also half that I feel so much deep compassion for my beautiful, broken thing. To confess my feelings or even risk acting on them would only put this sweet, trembling, adored fixation in harms way. No matter how hard I tried to prevent it, I would eventually have to break that heart and I don't want to do that.

My beautiful, broken thing is better off this way. Much safer in the complete ignorance of my true feelings.

This is the best protection I can offer.

It will have to be enough.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – I don't get to see Valkyrie today/this week because I'm seeing my weight loss specialist today and Valkyrie didn't have any other openings. It's all good. Next week I'll give her the update on where I stand with my beautiful, broken thing. Who knows, maybe by then I might have dulled down the emotional impact of my fixation some. Now that I'm fully aware of the root of it and I have the full Cassandra Complex of the untold dangers. Maybe I can finally start walking away from this one.

Okay, yeah, it's probably a small chance, but still.

Don't judge me. Crushes are hard.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Reading – I hate to say it, but I might have to give up on this whole reading thing. My tablet can barely hold a charge anymore. It's been doing this fucked up thing where it randomly turns the screen on and eats up the battery before I notice it and turn the screen off. So much so that I've taken to shutting the whole thing down just to save the battery, but when I turned it on this morning it was still down to only 25%.

I mean, what the fuck??!!

So, if I can't get this fucking thing to stay charged, then what's the fucking point of using it as an e-reader?

Hell if I know.

- Yarn Therapy – I got started on the cuff for the left leg warmer last night. This time I posted all the steps of my progress to my instagram, which cross posts to my Twitter and my Facebook. Lots of people seem to appreciate the Yarn Sluttery, so I'm going to keep this up. Someday I'll have to invest in a head mounted webcam or some shit so I can do YouTube video's on how I make my cuffs.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 59 minutes, 5x awake, 20x restless, 55 minutes awake/restless. - ugh... my sleep quality is shit.

- Fur-babies – Dreamy came over last night, so I got my cuddles in. I love my little puddin' belly.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Weight Management – Yup, I'll get my weight checked today... *fingers crossed*

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He's such a doll. Last night he braved the post blizzard snow mounds to make sure I had almond milk for my coffee this morning. I was worried that it would be asking too much, but his giant, all-wheel-drive, gas guzzling death machine just laughs in the face of snow. So, it was really no problem at all.

It was a good thing too!! I thought I had enough Almond milk to at least make it through this morning, but NOPE! I needed to open the new carton for my third cuppa. So, bless him!

This morning we heard one of our neighbors outside, screaming and swearing his damn fool head off about how he was stuck in the snow. Bran took a peak outside and the guy was right in the driveway to the parking lot.

Bran just laughs, gets dressed, and gets in his truck. All the neighbors out there are all 'you ain't gonna get through all that snow!' - Bran just chuckles and says 'hold my beer'. Took him like, two seconds to get out of the parking spot where he was completely plowed in (no shovel, just truck). Then he nudged the other dude out of the driveway. After that he went a step further and went around to ALL the parking lots of the apartments in our little cul-de-sac, carving deep ruts in the snow so no one else would get stuck.

Took him about five minutes.

LOL... I love him.

After that he was just off to work like it was any other day.

Meanwhile all the neighbors are looking at him dumbfounded and wondering why they're driving in tiny little low-riders in the state of mother fucking Minnesota.

Idiots.

- The Unicorn – Her school is closed today. I hope she's fine on her own and has enough to do. I know she loves her YouTube and her Minecraft... but, I still wish she access to Netflix.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

I need to jet here... my Case Worker will be here in 10 minutes and then I might not even have time to finish posting this before my ride comes to take me to my weight loss doctor. So, my apologies if this was all typed at 11:50 am but not posted until like 4 pm.

Have a good day!!