Be the Change You Want to See...

*sigh*

So, here it is. Another Friday and I should be so excited that I can barely sit still.

I should be thawing out that lamb and setting out the rest of what I'll need to make that stew.

I should be speed drinking my coffee so I can get in the shower and shave the important bits.

But, none of that is happening today because he's not coming.

A LOT is happening on his end that is forcing him to put 'us' on hold.

It will be okay, though.

We're both committed to making it happen eventually and we're not giving up on each other. We both know what we mean to each other and we're holding on tight and not letting go.

It will be okay.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I hit burnout hard and fast yesterday. Wound up nixing my second exercise run of the and just jumped directly into the gaming by 1 pm. I got a lot done in game. I only missed out on doing guild base quests with one character because I needed to make food for my other two. But, it's okay. Everyone of my current favorites are getting up there in levels, so it's all good.

I do sometimes wish there were more hours in the day, though.

I would love to have enough time for the writing and enough time to game on all of my characters to make them all stronger.  :)

 - Writing - So, that burnout. Yeah.

Okay.

The hardest part about ripping and restarting is going back over the existing critiques, chapter by chapter, and making sure that I didn't miss anything. It's tedious and can lead to excessive _skimming_. Skimming is BAD. Skimming is how I MISS things. So, when I get done enough that I start skimming, I know I need to quit. Take the rest of the day off and come back to it when my brain is more refreshed.

I’m down to my last two crits on chapter 2. I should be able to get those choked down today and then finishing up the rest of chapter 2 should go by pretty quickly.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - Despite gaming making me late to bed, again. I still managed to lock down a decent night. 8 hours, 6 minutes, 3x awake, 13x restless, total of 29 minutes awake/restless. So, again, this is my normal. The addition of the new medication has reduced the time I'm awake/restless from about an hour to about half an hour. So, that's still progress!!

I have to call my psychiatrist today. I'll probably tell her to raise my dose and see what happens.

 - Fur-babies - One visit yesterday. But neither cat stayed. They showed up just as I was post-coffee brushing my teeth. CatMom introduced me to one of my upstairs neighbors.

I’m not ashamed to say that he's kinda my type a little bit. At least from what I could see in the half a minute that I talked to him. Tall, pale, scrawny, younger than me. Seems like the kind of guy who could really use a good cougar in his life and hey! Nothing wrong with just being neighborly, right?

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Should be fine with 3 today.

I'm really annoyed, though.

I'd picked up a bag of ground coffee at the food shelf, so I thought I was good on that front. I like to supplement my pod coffees with grounds so I don't go through the pods as fast (just in case I can't make it to the store before I run out).

It wasn't until AFTER I'd snipped the corner on that bag and I was about to pour it into my ground canister that I noticed the shit was DECAF!

FUCK THAT NOISE!!

So, now I'm going to be plowing through my pods for a bit.

Though, since I have that photo shoot tomorrow and I'm already not going to be getting any work done… maybe tomorrow I'll walk to the store and take care of the problem.

It will cost more… but, whatever.

 - Blood Sugar - 127 today - bit on the high past normal side. Not happy about that.

 - Exercise/Yoga - Holy fuck my upper thighs and hips HURT… Even this SMALL 5 minutes a day is enough for my body to be looking up at me with this big WTF question mark and I just have to look down at it and shrug like 'I don't know what to tell you, talk to the Blue Falcon!'

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - Bran had a shit day yesterday.

The kind of day where he was so stressed out that he left the house not even dressed for work.

The elder abomination was the cause for this.

*shrug*

Sorry, not sorry?

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Bran and I hate to see him in pain. But this is the life he FOUGHT me for.

He demanded. MORE THAN ONCE and over the course of several months, that I put my own needs aside and allow him to play daddy to those abominations. He left me writhing in a sea of pain and refused to be there for me because this was the life he wanted. He wanted to be with her. He wanted to be daddy to those /things/. He wanted me on my own, learning to live without him.

This was the life he fought me for.

He got his EVERY wish.

And now he hates it.

He's legitimately worried that the elder abomination is going to get him shot and his fears are 100% valid. And She's not doing a fucking thing to mitigate the disaster either.

I'm sorry that I’m not sorry.

I hope Bran makes it home to me alive and in one piece.

*sigh*

He's going to be damaged when he comes home, you know?

That's when I need to set my vindictive side aside and really be there for him.

When he comes home, I need to step up and be the patient, loving partner that he deserves so I can help him recover.

I need to keep using my time apart from him to grow.

I owe myself that much.

He made a mistake.

Mistakes can be forgiven.

He regrets his error.

Don't know yet if he's sorry for how much he hurt me. But I know he regrets his choices.

Karma bitches…

Gotta watch out for that shit.

 - The Unicorn - JerkDad, the Blue Falcon, and I are working on a time/place to meet for dinner. I'm not sure, but I think I’m paying for myself on this one… I think I can handle it. So, I should be okay.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - There will probably be a report here on Sunday…

Again, pink flags, not sure how much I'm looking forward to this.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I’m really looking forward to seeing the Blue Falcon for dinner with the Unicorn and JerkDad. It will be interesting to have some collaboration with someone who has a true mentoring spirit the way that the Blue Falcon does.

I really do love the way that the Blue Falcon tries so hard to mentor people.

He's just so awesome that way.  :)

 - Rain - No response from my love tap yesterday.

*sigh*

Hate to say it…

I might have lost him.

That will SUCK.

I'll have to try to find another Supernatural Snuggle Buddy again.

Dammit.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls -

  --  Friday  -- I really wish I had better news here. I send him warm and loving thoughts a lot. As much as our relationship is based on the sexy, right now I don't feel that he needs that from me. I think he needs the mothering side more. He needs someone to nurture him.

Hopefully things start to improve for him.

I doubt it will be soon, though.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Got a quick tap from Jasper this morning. So, he's still there. I'm pretty sure he always will be. I just don't want him to spend money coming to see me anymore.

Now, if he volunteers, that's a different story entirely.

If he tells me that he needs some NO PRESSURE cuddles with someone who understands what distance and separation anxiety are like… I'll be there for him.

But, I’m really okay with my existing coping mechanisms. I don't really need him right now.

End Notes:

So, as much as I've let Jasper go… I hate to admit it, but I've kind of let Friday go a bit too.

Not in the sense that I've given up on Friday. No, far from it.

Just in the sense that I understand he has restrictions on his end that are going to keep him from me for a bit.

But, in terms of the hole that Jasper made me aware of.

I know that Friday is the one I want to fill that hole.

I just feel like no one else will do.

So… it's GOOD that I'm addicted to gaming as much as I am right now.

I'll be holding off on adding new sweeties because right now that gaming is more important to me. The side effect of that is that I'll be FREE on the surprise night that Friday is able to sneak away to come see me.

See…

Law of Attraction.

Be the change you want to see.