Like a Broken Pencil:

I hate exercising.

There. I said it.

I fucking hate it.

It feels like no matter what I do, it's never enough. I never seem to be able to exercise enough to improve my fitness level in any way, and then I get bored or annoyed and I quit before any real impact is laid upon my body.

It feels so much like a 'why bother' kind of thing.

I think I'm coming to grips with the fact that I'll never be a bad ass, and I’m kinda okay with that. It's not necessarily that I’m comfortable in my own skin. It's more to the point that some lovers I've encountered seem to really like the skin I'm in, so why try to change it?

Fuck.

*sigh*

I don't know!

I just know I don't like doing it.

But, I'm going to try really hard to keep at it this time.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I'm noticing how much of my waking thoughts are being taken over by what I want to be doing in game. I’m surprised that I get any work or socializing done.

I've noticed that I don't care about being polite anymore when it comes to guys trying to communicate with me on OKCupid.

If they're both a) local, and b) young, I'll talk to them. But the guys who are in other states/countries or older than me. I just don't even bother replying.

I’m getting a lot of guys on Facebook too. Ever since I started hashtaging my blog posts with CougarPride and MILF I get these strange, older men trying to talk to me.

For some reason they always ask if I’m married but they never ask if I'm available.

*shrug*

It really doesn't matter.

What I'm trying to say is that being polite is yet another time suck. Why bother. I like gaming too much to care about being polite to guys who don't really have a chance with me anyway. So there.

 - Writing - My chapter one received a lot of love. I should be done with it today and that should be my final revision. I’m happy with how it turned out.

I've made a deal with myself that I get to do an hours worth of dedicated writing/work and then I exercise. Then I feel better about at least getting the bulk of the work done.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - Not bad for getting to bed later again. 7 hours, 43 minutes, 4x awake, 12x restless, total of 27 minutes awake/restless…

Safe to say the new med is having literally zero effect on my quality of sleep.

*poo*

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Keeping it to 3 today.

 - Blood Sugar - 114 - VERY GOOD!

 - Exercise/Yoga - I managed to only make it through about 5 minutes of that indoor walking routine before I was DONE. *sigh* This is going to be harder than I thought it was going to be. The Blue Falcon says that if I do it more than once a day and really space it out, then I should still get the added benefits. I agree.

So, now, exercise is 1 - after writing - and 1 - before gaming… I think I'm keeping it to 5 minutes for each for a bit… Once 5 becomes easy I'll start ramping up a bit.

 - Weight Management - Overall, I still seem to be eating less. So, I guess that's a good thing.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - *sigh* No idea what to tell you. It's just the same shit every fucking day. I miss him, he misses me. He sends Snapchats to me, I return Snapchats to him. I want him to come home, he wants to come home.

There's been no movement.

There's been no direction towards positive change.

We still have no idea when he's coming home.

 - The Unicorn - The Blue Falcon and I are working on setting up a dinner date with JerkDad to go over some educational and career goals for the Unicorn. Should be interesting.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Hate to disappoint you, but I’m not sure there's going to be much here for awhile. I've grown really bored with the one-night-stand mentality. It doesn't feed me anymore and I'd rather be gaming.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - We got to spend about 2.5 hours together yesterday. All of it naked and snuggling. Yes, there was sex too, but you know the Blue Falcon is pretty tame in that department.

We talked about all the things that we normally talk about.

He gets it… why I'm not really interested in dating anyone new right now.

In the past weeks I would have felt pressured (by myself) to keep recruiting more sweeties so that I had fewer nights alone. And now I actually look forward to the nights alone because it means more gaming.

Seems that I've traded in one therapy for another again.

Hmm…

 - Rain - Okay, so I finally broke down and texted him. Just a simple 'Just checking in to see if you're okay'… I'm sure he's fine. But, it's about time that I remind him that I’m still here for him if he needs me.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls -

  --  Friday  -- So, this sucks.

Friday is experiencing difficulties on his end (still).

It might be awhile before we lock down that first date.

--

Another hopeful I should mention is that there's a photographer who's coming out to do a shoot with me on Saturday. I'm not really sure how much I'm looking forward to this. I'm really just hoping to get some decent pictures of me out of the deal this time.

It's not that I don't like him.

There's not necessarily 'red' flags.

But there's some pink flags.

Just little things that somewhat irritate me about him.

Meh…

Maybe I'm just annoyed at having to give up part of a work day for this.

BUT, decent pictures might be won out of the deal, so…

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

So, what this really all comes down to is that I've seriously traded one coping mechanism (sweeties) that wasn't really serving me to the best of it's ability for another (gaming) that seems to be serving me much better.

I'm pretty happy with that arrangement.

NOW:

If I could just get comfortable with the exercising two, maybe even 3 times a day. That would be awesome.