It's fucking amazing to have a Gush Buddy!

I had the time/spoons/privacy to get –some- of the housework done yesterday. Metal-AF is going to help me procrastinate the rest (and the writing) today. I have Monday off, so I'll still be able to finish up then.

I'm really hoping to finish up Claimed. I can't really explain what's happened there. It's a bit like a writer's block. Like I just can't bring myself to write that closing sex scene. I don't know what's holding me back. Unless it's the fact that this is a gift for Cuddle Crush and I'm not sure about how I'm supposed to picture sex with her, yet? I mean, I have a pretty good idea... I don't feel like I should have any anxiety there... gah!  

Besides housework I actually spent a large portion of yesterday exchanging emails with Metal-AF. It amazes me how deep the comfort level already is. Our sharing of information and life experiences has been very extensive and we really get where the other is coming from on everything.  

However... the bulk of what's been in those emails?

Me gushing my brains out about Cuddle Crush.

Oh yeah...  

… 100% twitterpated 'this is my crush, isn't she pretty?'

I realized as we were both shutting down for the night that before Metal-AF, the only other person I was really gushing with was Valkyrie. And, yeah, she's my therapist and pat of her job description is to discuss the things that make me happy, but she's not my bestie. She has a job to do and if she sees me getting out of hand, it's her job to reign me in and get me talking about my mental health.

Now, there's Bestie, but she and I very rarely see each other.

There's Blue Falcon, but he's become just as rare.

I didn't realize until last night that I was missing someone in my life to just gush my brains out at.  

I can't exactly gush to Bran... because, DAYUM, you wanna make your Life Mate feel insecure? Fuck that nonsense!

Metal-AF actually LOVES it. He loves hearing about her and all my feelings for her. He's even read all of what I have on Claimed and he's delved a bit into Half God Half Devil too. He reads this as well! No one knows my feelings for her better than he does right now, and he loves the hell out of it.

LOL

He's shipping us so hard right now.

He knows all about the extenuating circumstances too, though. He knows that Cuddle Crush and I aren't meant to be together, yet. He knows we both love and want each other, but we have to wait. We might even be waiting a very long time.

I definitely know she's worth that wait, and as I've said before, I'll gladly come back and hunt her down in her next life if I have to. I will have her. I will never ask her to betray any commitments for me, but you're damn fucking skippy, I'm going to have that woman, someday.

Metal-AF knows all of this.

It's fucking amazing to have a Gush Buddy!

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – I posed my most recent selfie to one of the Poly groups I'm in on Facebook. I wasn't really fishing for compliments, but damn, they've been pouring in. I mean, I guess compliments are probably a pretty logical byproduct of my original intent, so I really shouldn't be surprised, and I don't really know why I am.

See, here's the thing, I was raised to believe that I'm ugly. Even now I fucking hate my body so much that it's really hard to see myself as pretty at certain angles because my double chin makes me look like some sort of blob monster.

But, you get that camera angle just high enough, and goodbye double chin... the lines smooth out and fuck... it all goes to pretty. Slap some makeup on me to even out my skin tone (very little, I might add), and in this case, a very bold lip color, and dayum! It kinda went porn star quality.

When I posted that to the Poly group last night... I wanted only one thing... I wanted every soul in that group to drool over me just so I could reject them all and say that I'm saving myself for someone (secret).

I wanted Cuddle Crush to find out that the most recently, most desired woman in the group, was hers... and hers alone (exception: Bran).

I even want to start showing up to events looking like sex on a stick... things where she's a guest as well... so she can overhear me getting hit on and shooting people down like a SAM (surface-to-air-missile).

I want her to FEEL the pedestal I've put her on.

I want her to know she's my Goddess, and that I worship her.

- Spoons – I made it through one load of dishes, scrubbing down the kitchen, and clearing the dining room table of recyclables. Bags of garbage and trash were staged by the door and Bran was sweet enough to take them out for me. Yes, I thanked him!!! - #NapAttack hit a bit earlier than expected and it was really on my list to write after that, but it kinda didn't happen. I did have the energy to shower, though. Food was an issue. I was hungry, but nothing seemed appealing again. I found myself wishing I had cheese and a little bit of sausage to make an egg scramble... but, cheese is a no no... so, I mostly just let myself go hungry. I rested and caught up on some shows. I took care of some sexual tension and sent visual proof to Cuddle Crush... (yes, I'm evil), So, all in all, it wasn't a bad day. I'm just annoyed that the writing sill continues to not happen.

- Writing – Metal-AF beta read what's there of Claimed. He gravitated mostly to the emotional nature of the piece. He said I was very good at conveying the loving relationship between Cinn and Reece. I'm really glad that came through so strongly. I think that Cuddle Crush will feel that love when she reads it.

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 41 minutes, 3x awake, 15x restless, 43 minutes awake/restless.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Magic Hippo Dance - / - Weight Management – I really hope Bran and I are able to come up with a workable solution for me to exercise regularly, get the equipment I need, and afford the protein powder. I want to get healthier... I want to drop these last 40lbs and keep them off. (sigh)

Relationships / Family:

- Bran - He worked a split shift yesterday, so there was a mid-day nap/cuddle, it was really lovely.  

I really made it clear, once again, that I love him with my whole heart and that he's my happy place.  

He really made it clear, once again, that he doesn't take such sentiments with a single shred of seriousness and that he'd rather tickle me and baby talk than say 'thank you' or appreciate the level of love that I'm showing him.

Last night he really pissed me off too. I had mentioned the need to go out to a sporting goods store to at least price out my exercise equipment so I can budget them. And he asked me if I'm paying for them out of my own money. I said 'yes', and he said 'good, 'cause I'm sure as hell not paying for it'.

I fucking went off on him.

I'm desperately trying to lose weight and get healthy, and he treats it like It's just an inconvenience to him. I'm still fucking pissed off.

I guess I'm on my fucking own on this one.

I can come up with the funds to pay for my own equipment, that's a one-time expense.  But, paying for the membership to use a pool, the protein powder that will only get me through half the days and not even all the days, and working out my own transportation? Somehow I have to work all of that out on about $70 a month.

The best pool rings in at $60 a month...  

This is fucked.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  We chatted a bit yesterday... it was so wonderful.  

She told me she was taking the day off. I told her I was proud of her for taking some 'Cuddle Crush time'. Then she teased me by telling me where she was and what state of dress she was in (or wasn't in).  

Then I shared a bit on how I feel about aggressive lovers... how I prefer them, and I'm just as aggressive, I just prefer bottom. She appreciated that very much.

Conversation lulled until I sent her yesterday's lead image, which took us into trust issues, my walls, and where she is in her healing process. I told her rather pointedly that I love her, damage and all. I made the distinction that I don't pity her, nor will I coddle or try to 'save' her. I told her that she is brave and strong, and that I'm honored to stand by her side while she saves herself.

She told me I'm amazing.

She says that a lot.  *smile*

--- ohhh --- and then I got --- evil ---  

I guess I had to get her back for teasing me in the morning.

This is our parlay.

I sent her a message telling her that I don't even have to touch myself, all I have to do is close my eyes and think about her, and I'll get wet. Then, later, after Bran went to work, I did touch myself... a lot... and I sent her visual proof of how wet I get. Then I took my shower and when I came back I took a cute pic of my face and upper torso (no nipples).

She told me I needed to be fucked hard for that.

I told her: "Two words, No Mercy."

She agreed.

--

Mmmm...

… someday...

- Pathfinder – Squee! I just found out he will be passing through soon!! I'll keep you updated.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – I’m seriously looking forward to today!! I can't wait to meet my new Cuddle Buddy and get some serious snuggles on.

And all the gushing over Cuddle Crush!!

I wonder if I should make popcorn?

End Notes:  

Holy shit... I'm getting WAY more attention than I thought I would in that Poly group! These people are practically salivating over me!

I love it...

Because I’m hers.

And she knows it.

Challenge Accepted, indeed.

I could close that dating profile at any time and be perfectly satisfied with what I've gotten out of it.  

I've reached out to a few guys. I've liked quite a few more. There was one guy who clearly didn't read my profile and suggested a very quick, very casual encounter. I very politely told him to fuck off, but I wished him well.

And then there's Metal-AF.

I was flipping through the 'like' and 'not-like', hitting my buttons accordingly. I was doing this on my computer and not the phone app, so there was no swiping. Anyway... So, I come across this one profile and it just stands out.  

• Cuddles First – priority one status. 
• Poly – Attached - (no danger of him getting needy and trying to drive a wedge between Bran and I) 
• Honest, complex, open. 
• Also suffers from a chronic pain issue (so he GETS it) 
• Totally cool with keeping it PLATONIC, but CUDDLY (HOLY FUCK-MONKEYS!) 

And I'm all, I gotta meet this guy!

So, I like him, and his profile disappears.  

FUCK

He'd been brutally clear. He does not message first. My measly little 'like' won't be enough to draw him in. I just screwed this. I try to bring him back up... and end up zapping my one chance to salvage the link to his profile. GAH!

I start FRANTICALLY keyword searching things that I remember him mentioning. No luck.

DAMMIT

I drop down into 'browse' - I'm going to have to sift through hundreds of ugly faces just to find him... fuck it... he's worth it.

I find him on page one.

Mischief Managed!

We've been exchanging messages ever since. Even comfortable enough to take it to email, and the in person is creeping up a lot sooner than either of our very guarded selves might have expected.

--

Once again, I'm being shown a set of needs that I didn't know I had until I met the person that filled them. Once again, I'm being shown the fresh landscape of my mind now that I've leveled up. Once again, I'm being asked to be 'open' in areas where I feel like I've lost my trust.

This is a new set of challenges.

This is a whole new game for me.

Once again, I say: Challenge Accepted.

I'm letting Metal-AF in. I trust him. I'll let him get close and I'll open my heart and my emotions to him.

Same as Cuddle Crush, it will devastate me to lose him, but I don't fear the pain anymore.

I'm going to keep proving it to myself that I can love, and trust, past my trauma.

Challenge Accepted, indeed.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – So far I'm in a pretty good place today. Emotionally I feel very stable. I'm a little anxious about something that might happen tomorrow, but the invite was only just cast –  no response yet – I'll keep you posted.

- Spoons - I really need to get on top of housework today... wish me luck!!

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 16 minutes, 1x awake, 13x restless, 36 minutes awake/restless. I really wish I got more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night.

- Fur-babies – YAY for Dreamy time!! Snuggles were had. Then I shared my white cheddar and prosciutto with him.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Magic Hippo Dance – Yeah... so I was left to do most of it on my own yesterday, just proving that I got this. As I was counting my reps I was going over my battle plan for increasing them once I'm out on my own. Figuring out how high I should go before I stop pushing myself.  

Then, my trainer points out that once we added in the warm up and cool down, it was actually a solid 55 minute workout.

Der, what?

I did a full body workout?

I've actually been at this for an hour this whole time? Every session?

Fucking hell... I didn't even feel a thing! If I'd done even ¼ of that on land I would have been crying my eyes out and unable to move for two days!!

Harumph!

Now, It's all about finding/affording the pool and getting me there. Money and transportation is a huge fucking issue.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He was very non-committal and even a little... 'gruff'? when I mentioned Metal-AF. Even on the point of Metal-AF having some questions in one of Bran's areas of expertise. (sigh) It's just so hard to know with Bran sometimes. He doesn't really talk to me, so I don't know what's going on in his mind when he's distant like that. It's frustrating.

We worked it out, though.

I realized that it had been a long time since I've had a friend, and then I told him that... that's when he agreed that it's probably a good idea for me to expand my social awareness/circle a bit in areas where people are NOT my sex partners.

It's been like 5-6 years since I've had a purely platonic friend that I hung out with on a frequent basis.

Even Bran admits that this has been a trust issue for me and that Metal-AF is a huge step forward.

--

Also, Bran bought me dinner last night.

He knew I'd need something I didn't have to think about.

It's true. Some nights I don't even have the spoons to make microwave food go.

I love how much he loves me.

I love him back.

- The Unicorn – Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  I realized yesterday that I'd been selfish in wanting to call her my girlfriend. It wasn't because of my emotional attachment to her, even though that attachment is profound. It was because I wanted to show her off. I wanted to flaunt her. And when I realized that, I felt ashamed.

Yet, when I confessed that too her, she was actually flattered. She loved it that I wanted to show her off... LOL. Well, okay then... guess who gets to be my arm candy someday?

Later I told her about the full body workout and she told me she's proud of me, and not to forget it.

OMG – SWOON!

We're chatting now... I just told her about Jasper, and how I see things between her and I being even more intense than what I'd experienced with him.

I'm very anxious to hear her response.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Cuddle Buddies -  

- Metal-AF – We're going to be emailing a lot today. I've asked for his help with something tomorrow.

It's a surprise.

End Notes:  

Trust is a funny thing.

I know I have a lot of walls. I know just how guarded I am.

I find it very interesting that I've now met two people who can get past my barriers because they're obviously meant to be in my life and to be within my walls.

Who else is out there?

How many more needs do I have that I'm not even aware of, yet.

I've rebuilt my mind from nothing so many times that I think I've lost count, but I've only ever focused on what I've needed to be just to survive.

No one's ever taught me how to live.