It's not often that I get Bran to open up about his concerns. It's not often that I'm able to get him comfortable enough to just sit down and talk with me long enough to lay down the hammer and tell me what he will and will not tolerate.
He was too quiet when it came to Set.
I was too far gone when it came to the relationship after.
(sigh)
You know? If I'm going to keep bringing her up, she's going to need a code name.
And not a bitchy one either. She was sick. I can't fully place the blame all on her. She was mentally ill too.
… I think I'll call her Lotus.
… yeah... that should work.
Anyway, I know Bran still has residual trauma from both Set and Lotus. Same as I have residual trauma from the Screeching Harpy. Neither of us are fully innocent here. We've both made mistakes.
We've both learned from them, though.
We've grown up a lot.
We've grown together and our relationship has grown stronger.
Thing is, I'm fully aware of the mistakes I made with Bran when it came to both Set and Lotus, and I've already made a solid vow to not let them happen again, no matter how much I need and want Cuddle Crush in my life. There will always be a tender balancing act here.
Also, I'm not in the bad places that I was with both Set and Lotus. With both of those relationships I was in PAIN. I was missing whole slabs of myself and I was clinging to them to fix me. Set was healing me from the spiritual side of the abuse after JerkDad, and Lotus was who I clung to when Set was busy dumping me. I tied myself to a sinking ship in order to keep myself from sinking.
I was fucked. Okay?
I'm not in that kind of pain this time. I'm more stable and more whole than I've ever been.
I'd like more Spoons, yeah, but I'm still in recovery from the last two years' worth of horror, so, it's gonna be a bit before that kind of mojo comes back.
The point here is that Bran and I talked about it and NEITHER of us see me making the same mistakes with Cuddle Crush. Bran still has concerns, yes, because he's seen me get knocked off balance by side relationships before, but for the most part he's not worried.
Yeah, you read that right.
Bran accepts her.
Bran is willing to see that I have a very strong connection with Cuddle Crush. He recognizes the same thing that Valkyrie did ('fated mates' - once explained). Especially after I put it in additional perspective with my trust issues last night. Bran understands that I somehow have the strength to trust her in a world where I trust no one, not even him. That somehow she gives me that strength.
My mental health means a lot to him. (again, I guess... whatever? I'm not sure)
For what it's worth, he can just see that I need her, and even if he's a little threatened by that he's still man enough to suck it the fuck up and let me have what I need.
That's why I'm being so careful with him this time.
As much as I love Cuddle Crush, I can't let my relationship with her threaten the integrity of the relationship that I have with him. I just can't let myself slip like that again. He means too much to me for that.
And I know she'd understand, because I've already explained that this is the reason I need her in a Life-Mate level partnership before she and I get involved. I can't have her feeling second to anyone. I need her to have the counterbalance necessary to make us work too.
Another delicate balancing act.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy – A lot of this will mean that I will have to monitor my own mental health as closely as possible and I'll have to set my own rules on when to pull out if my stability starts to crack.
Yesterday I spent a good portion of the day experiencing a low-grade panic attack. Not even my normal kind of panic attack either. Usually if I'm anxious about something I get a tummy thing. A kind of nausea. Yesterday it was a heart thing. Rapid heartbeat. I'm pretty sure my blood pressure was up too.
So, I really should take a step back and look at that.
I need Cuddle Crush in a happy, stable Life-Mate level partnership with someone(s). That means I need to be content on the sidelines while her Relationship-Prime carries merrily on, and when it's not carrying merrily on.
Her relationship will face hardships and challenges. She's going to get in fights. Bad shit's gonna happen. Her love life is going to be on the brink of destruction a few times before it solidifies into a good, rock solid state.
And I need to be able to step the fuck back and let it happen.
I need to go totally hands off and let Cuddle Crush make and learn from her own mistakes.
And I need to let it kill me inside with the worry that she won't be okay.
Somehow I need to keep my own mental stability sound while hers might waiver from time to time in an area where my influence doesn't belong.
Another delicate balancing act.
- Writing – I got a little more down during health-appointment lobby time yesterday. No such luck today – it's wet swimsuit in the backpack day – so, no Chromebook in the backpack and I know I'll be too tired after. I might get some down before I have to leave, though. It depends on how fast I get my other administrative tasks done.
Another delicate balancing act.
- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 17 minutes, 4x awake, 9x restless, 29 minutes awake/restless. The low spoon rate could be related to the fact that on average I'm getting by on only 5 hours of sleep now, when my body clock is set to 8-9 hours. But, I never wrote on the days I had medical appointments before anyway... I'd knit more, though... I think. I'm not sure.
Sleep and Spoons...
… another delicate balancing act.
- Fur-babies – Dreamy. Cuddles. All good.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Aquatic Therapy – So cannot fucking wait for this!
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – He's leaving again.
Did I tell you that?
He's leaving me for a job again.
It's different this time... he's not going to be living with anyone who spent a year torturing me... it's only supposed to be for a few weeks at a time... but it's going to happen more.
Our relationship is going to get choppy. A few weeks on, a few weeks off.
I'll have him, but then I'll also have time where I'll have to be comfortable with solitude again.
Okay... so, let's put this in perspective.
- I survived over a year without him and I know I can survive without him if I have to. It will suck ass, but I can do it.
- I'm done with little assholes who only want to use me for sex. So, even in these lean, high-solitude times, I'm not going to be tempted to get some dick just to have some company.
- I used to fear the end of my relationship with Bran because I thought I'd never find anyone that I felt compatible enough for a life-partnership again. Cuddle Crush proved me right the hell fucking wrong on that one. If she exists, then there are others out there. Love is possible again. Who knows, it could even be her if shit goes entirely south with Bran. No one really knows.
I got this.
Delicate balancing act, my ass.
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Sweeties -
Nothing new to report.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Before Bran and I got to talking about the integrity of our relationship in the face of what I feel for Cuddle Crush – there was another discussion. It was the discussion that led to our integrity talk.
We talked about Cuddle Crush's safety and her mental stability.
We talked about nightmare scenarios that we hope never happen in her life.
We thought it out. We gauged our sustainability vs. our ability to really reach out and help someone in a crisis (again, we've been burned by this before). We made contingency plans in the event of a catastrophic meltdown on Cuddle Crush's end.
Bran understood exactly where I was coming from.
I've been the person in a full-on BPD Meltdown while everyone victim blamed, made me the toxic one, and refused to help me. And yes, I hope it fucking stung like hell when I told him that, but he got it.
He knows I can't let that be her.
After that discussion I sent her a message.
I told her that she's not just under my protection anymore.
I told her that Bran is extending his reach as well.
I told her that we hope she never needs it, but if she ever does WE WILL COME FOR HER, we will get her the fuck out, and that our place is now, officially, her safe haven.
I think she cried, lol.
It rendered her speechless, yet again.
I do that to her a lot, you know?
Bran accepts her.
He would help her in a crisis without thinking twice about it. His only caveat was that we don't extract her from a war zone where people are pointing guns at him. I don't think that will be an issue... but, you get the idea.
She's loved...
… and I’m not afraid to go all Harley Quinn and shank a bitch when it comes to protecting her, and now I have Bran fully backing me on this too.
This is the man who trained me to be the kind of person who will shank a bitch and we make a pretty deadly fucking team.
We balance each other.
- Pathfinder – He's experienced another professional/training level-up... I'm very proud of him.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
Speaking of balance, I finally figured out that it was the real sugar in my final cup of coffee that was making it coat my tongue with ass. So, now I'm just on the stevia for all three cups.
I'm going to go drink more of that now.
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