I like nougat...

A long time ago, someone wise told me that in order to be humble, one must first have something to be humble about.

I'm pointing that out because I'm about to get a little less humble here.

I downplay my shit a lot. A lot more than anyone ever really realizes. Some people have seen or felt a fraction of what I can do. Others have been the seers letting me know that I've gained the attention of yet another God. (yeah, and I wasn't even the least bit surprised)

This started when I was in my early 20's and I was studying Bulfinch's Mythology (on my own, for fun). While I was reading the book, I began to notice just how 'hands on' the ancient gods were, and I wondered what the fuck happened to that.

And then I realized that it was the fall in the belief in them that happened. It had weakened them.

Okay... at the time I was already Pagan... already a well-established medium with a knack for astral travel, divination, and psychic self-defense. So, what more could I do there?

As I thought about it more, a fresh awareness dawned on me... I came to understand that the old gods are a lot like celebrities. They're nothing without their fans, but sometimes they just want that one friend they can still be themselves around and who will go grab a burger with them.

I made that my mission.

I became that girl.

It wasn't long before I was the crazy chick who would walk right up to Odin, punch him in the shoulder, and ask him how his balls were hanging.

Fast forward several years, a religious/spiritual upgrade or two, a few hardcore breakings and healings, and the influence of Set, and we get Luciferian me.  

Luciferian me, who is aware that in our belief system, we are all evolving to take our place on the spiritual plane as Gods ourselves one day.

Spiritual me, who already has a fuck ton of power on the astral plane.

Another evolution....

One day it hit me:

I'm going to ascend eventually. I'm going to be a Goddess. In astral I'm already there.  

My life on earth in my physical body is a FUCKING MESS!! (how the hell does that even happen?!)

Worlds collide.  

I decided to live my life on earth as if I'd already ascended.  

I pulled Goddess me into my physical body.

I still wasn't done being broken and remade. I had a LOT more pain to survive through... I'm okay with that. I'm good with whatever it takes to keep me evolving.

I'm the earthbound Goddess of Shadows. Equally both light and dark. Capable of impressive acts of healing and compassion... just as capable of extreme acts of violence and destruction.  

I'm fucking scary as hell when my dark side is provoked. Keep in mind, I've got friends in some pretty high places. If I get pissed off enough, my besties will back me and they're not afraid to smite the souls of the damned here.

…

…

… and yet...

I'm also that girl who drinks her morning coffee from a 3D Unicorn mug, carries her knitting in a Hello Kitty lunch box, and can't sleep unless she's cuddling a stuffed elephant.

Valkyrie says I'm like Jack.

She's not wrong.

I do like nougat.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – I'm a stupid fucking self-involved bitch.

All day yesterday I was struggling with my abandonment issues because Cuddle Crush was barely responding to my messages. I mean, she goes through long periods where her responses slow, or stop, but she's usually very responsive in the mornings and yesterday she just wasn't.

So, I was all back and forth in my brain, one side convinced we were done, over. The other side reminding me of how much she fucking loves me.

It wasn't until about 20 seconds ago that I realized that it's OUT OF CHARACTER for her to be that unresponsive and omfg, girl MAYBE SOMETHING'S WRONG!!

Fuck me.

Godz dammit.  

I hope I get a chance to ask her before I have to leave for my errand this morning.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy – Well, thanks to medical appointments, I actually got a row finished and another row in yesterday... no time today, though. Early appointment at the county and then Magic Hippo Dance this afternoon.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 14 minutes, 3x awake, 12x restless, 32 minutes awake/restless - I really fucking need the Fitbit that does heartrate now that I'm going to be exercising more. (pout)

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- INR – 1.5 - That's even lower than last week... somethings up.

- Nervous System – Really good adjustment yesterday. No tight spots. Still not ready to let go of the safety net, though. So we're scheduled a week out again.

- Scanners - 'Cause, migraine free for a week now... and all of that could have been my chiropractor's doing. He was the only person caring for me through that ordeal. I still have a CT Scan and Physical Therapy scheduled... but, it may be over.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – I've been worried about him. I can definitely sense his stress level, and it doesn't help that it seems to cause him to ask me the same stupid questions that trigger my fury, so I end up yelling at him instead of appreciating what he does for me.

I suck.

Add in how twitterpated I've been over Cuddle Crush... I mean, you think he can't sense that? Even if I don't bring up the subject a lot. I know it's on his mind.

Last night he came back from a quick grocery run and I hugged him. I told him how much I miss him and I said it had been a long time since he'd taken time away from his stuff to cuddle me. I made sure he knew that I still needed him.

He ended up ignoring the million things he had on his plate and he came to cuddle me while he watched an episode of Good Eats on Hulu.  

It felt so fucking good.

Then he made us a dinner out of the steaks he'd picked up. (big wolfie smile)

He snuggled more while he was winding down after finishing his stuff for the night. He fell asleep touching me... like he needed the physical reassurance that I was there, or maybe he felt my need for him.

I can't let my thing for Cuddle Crush overshadow what I have with Bran.

I mean, yeah, she's on my mind all the time.

But he's my happy place.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  Like I said, she was super quiet yesterday... I don’t know what's up. I hope she's just busy and that nothing's wrong. But, fuck... my abandonment issues are in high gear. I'm so fucking scared of losing her right now.

(deep breath)

Long Game:

If I lost her now, it would be due to external factors. Nothing to do with anything inside of her. She'd never stop loving/wanting me. Not sure if she needs me as much as I need her, but I know the love and want are there.

External factors would obviously stress over this issue. It would be a quiet stress that would take a long time to unfold, along with other stressors.

External factors wouldn't last.

I've waited over 20 years for her to find me.

You think I can't survive a few more waiting for her to come to me?

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

So, you see what I did just then? How I talked myself out of freaking out over Cuddle Crush? That's the difference between my Human Mode and my Goddess Mode.

My human side is fallible... so capable of mistakes... so capable of getting wrapped up in the darker emotions of the short game. So afraid of grief and loss.

My Goddess side totally calm, utterly bad ass, and 100% relentless...

… I. Don't. Lose.