I know I'm claimed.

Oh fuck me... she knows everything now.

I know I've been vague about a lot of things. A lot of my 'mental health' updates in the therapy section have been my feelings about a particular internal struggle that I refused to give a whole lot of details about. You probably just skimmed it and said 'whatever'.  

Well, that's because the February 11 Post included the following:

- Cuddle Crush - It's done. It's over.

Last night she posted a status update that she's now in a closed relationship.

I Honor the divine feminine in her that allowed me to have feelings for a woman. I'm still grateful to her for that and I sincerely wish her well.  

This is the last I will ever say on the matter.

#LettingGo

Only I didn't let her go. I couldn't let her go. I kept a private private journal about her as I continued to struggle and struggle with my feelings for her and those emotions still kept winding up here, but I kept them vague because I had promised that I'd say nothing more of her... she was gone... I'd waited too long... I'd missed my moment.

I tried all the usual things to let her go... but I only held on even tighter... took awhile to figure out what the fuck was up with that.

Cuddle Crush was my proof that the fucking Screeching Harpy didn't break me.

Screeching Harpy HURT me. I fucking still have nightmares.

But, she didn't break me.

I could still love.

More importantly, I could still love a woman.

Not women!

Woman.

Just one.

Just her.

Only her.

So, I accepted it... I was going to burn with this emotion forever. The Ghost Stories that had started as ways to try to get her out of my head became something else... They became ways that I could have something with her in my very rich fantasies when I knew that the reality was never going to happen.

I'd probably run hundreds of dialogs and scenarios in my head that ended in ways where I confessed my feelings for her, or where she just took me without my confession. So, those conversations... they all happened in my mind.... over and over again... and over and over and over again...

Okay [ssshhhhh, I didn't tell you this] maybe I was rehearsing a little.

Sooo... yeah...  

Something happened to her that triggered yesterday's opener, so I thanked her for being the inspiration and showed her the lead image... and then I kinda... mighta... sorta... shared that little bit of key information about my status as an unclaimed submissive.  

And she said she –would have- claimed me.

Cue floodgates.

It all came out... from both of us... both our crushes on EACH OTHER and the reasons we BOTH HELD BACK! *facepalm* Yeah... it was mutual all along.

Don't get excited.

I don't have a girlfriend now.

She's still in her very closed relationship and you should all know that Bran and I have our boundaries too. Cuddle Crush and I love each other, we want each other, but we're separated by external forces that we're both 100% comfortable with.  

I've given her my full submission... she knows the part of me that she owns exclusively. She knows what's hers. It will always be there for her to claim if situations ever change, but we're not forcing those changes.  

So, we've classified our relationship as Ambigusweetie, and yes, she's back in the Ambigusweetie section again.  :) I have her reading Asshole and Torvus now so she can get to know my mind better... and pretty soon I'll be working on another 'real' romance that is based on us. I'll be writing a D/s story with an MtF Trans Domme/Cis F sub...  

It should be noted that this is the FIRST TIME I won't be writing from either a prompt of a 'point of pain'. These are happy words!

Hello writer evolution?

Ye gods, lets fucking hope so. Apophis would certainly love it if I could go back and finally finish Torus. LOL, not to mention Valkyrie. She's so addicted.

*warm sigh*

I feel so much better now.

I can love her openly and that love is returned. I can feel her in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. I can feel her grip in my hair. I can taste her lips.  The boundaries of physical space mean nothing.

I know I'm claimed.

Truth is... I've known it for awhile now.

Yeah, yeah, I know... I know... so yesterday's post was a little bit of a fib when I said I never found the Alpha strong enough to take me down.

I never found it because it was her all along. I just hadn't met her yet. I just didn't tell you that in yesterday's entry, but I knew it already.

Every time I fantasized about Cuddle Crush, she was my Domme, and now I know even more that I'd been preserved. Left completely untouched just for her.  

My entire stint in the BDSM scene, the mere idea of a Female Dominant offended me on a visceral level... it would never happen. And then you add in the recent trauma with the Screeching Harpy. Yeah, no, anything I felt for Cuddle Crush shouldn't have happened... but it did.

I was always hers, and I knew that, even when I made yesterday's post... so, yeah, tiny white lie because SHE didn't know I was hers yet. There are fucking rules here. I had to let her claim me as an act of her own free will.

She did.

[heart-flutter]

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – I feel like we kinda covered this already... but holy hell, what is Valkyrie going to say about this!!??!!

One things for the hell yeah, she's definitely going to want to read this story too.

- Writing – Kinda covered this too... new story on the horizon... updates will be posted... and a pretty strong possibility that once I've processed these new emotions with Cuddle Crush, I'll be able to go back and finish writing Torvus. I'll have to afford a Windows Key by then, though. I've been running Linux ever since my catastrophic hard drive crash several months ago. My writing program, Scrivener, will require me to have Windows back.

- Yarn Therapy – I woke up at like, damn near noon today...  

- Sleep / Fitbit – 8 hours 27 minutes, 4x awake, 15x restless, 41 minutes awake/restless. FUCK ME! I can't even remember the last time I got more than 8 hours' worth of sleep!!

- Fur-babies – Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.-  

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – I was honest with Bran about the new development with Cuddle Crush... he kinda just did the non-committal 'okay' thing that tells me literally NOTHING about his emotional state regarding this. So, he's going to do exactly what he did with Set and exactly want he did with my ex gf who does not have a code name... he's just going to hold everything in and tolerate it, even if it upsets or hurts him.

So, I gotta step it up on this one. I need to make sure I'm the one making up for the fault here and reassuring him that I still love him and that he's still my happy place. I can't repeat the past mistakes.

Extra. Cuddles. Necessary.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – Should be a Movie Night thing tonight. I'll tap in with him soon.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -   OMG, she's the fucking sweetest thing. When I told her that her code name is Cuddle Crush, she immediately changed her chat handle to that. I just about died from the cute.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

You probably wouldn't have figured it out if I hadn't told you, but Cuddle Crush is ALSO the friend with the recently injured ankle...

*blush*

Yeah... tried so hard to just post about her as 'friend' and not let the crush infect those updates...

I'm so fucking sappy.

End Notes:  

I gotta get moving here... it's going on 1 on my end and I still have more to do before this post is ready... then I need to get naked and wet if I'm going to do this Movie Night thing...  

Love you all.

--

UPDATE: Movie Night is called off. The Blue Falcon is extending his compassion to another soul in need.  

All of you should know by now that I wouldn't have survived 2017 if it hadn't been for that man's compassion and warmth. He held me together every time I fell apart.

Our relationship hasn't been the same since Bran got back and there have been times when I've wondered if he even counts as a Favorite Sweetie anymore... it seems like we've let each other go a bit...

He's still listed as the Favorite because he saved me... but I don't need saving anymore.

Yeah... not sure there.