... I'm going to have to figure out a way to Goddess Up...

So, yesterday was Meltdown Day.

No way around it. That's what it was.

Some days my 'Suck it up and Deal' turns into 'Fuck it up and Don't'.

Yesterday I wasn't dealing.

Bran is leaving me, again. He has is perfectly valid, logical, income based reasons, again. And I've agreed to this thing being something he needs to do for his pride, again.

But, he doesn't understand what I'm going to go through every time he steps out that door.

• Depression
• Separation Anxiety
• Generalized Anxiety
• Social Anxiety
• PTSD
• Abandonment Issues
• Trust Issues

These are going to body slam me. Every. Fucking. Time. And this time around I don't have anyone to take my mind off the pain. Even if the Blue Falcon became available again, I'm not going to accidentally ask him to put his life on hold for me again.

So, that brings us to the question of dating.

Yeah fucking right.

Trying to be a Proud Cougar and a Virgin Goddess in Generation Hookup, just one step above Generation Tide Pod... fuck that noise. These stupid fucking boys have no clue about the opportunities they're passing up by walking away after only one purely sexual encounter.

They're worthless.

And then there's the flip side of that coin...

Even if I were to recruit a cute, cuddly sweetie worthy of my affections... could I even give myself over to that situation? Could I remain mindful and in the moment with him?

Or would I just be thinking 'You're not Cuddle Crush' the entire time?

So, that brings us back to me having to face this shit alone.

I'll have Cuddle Crush, yes. Our online relationship is pretty wonderful most days. Some days she ignores me, but most days I hear from her a little bit and I find that very reassuring.  

I'm basically just all around fucked on this one, and I'm going to have to figure out a way to Goddess Up and get myself through it.

Fucking hell, it's not like anyone else is going to do it.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – On the mental health side of this, I better get really fucking used to 'self soothing' my way through my bouts of deep loneliness. I have to get on top of facing the 'alone' without anyone to hold me or comfort me. I'm going to be sleeping in this bed again, with no one next to me.

There are about to be a lot of nights where I'm crying myself to sleep again.

- Writing – I picked at it a little yesterday. I'm ashamed to say that while I finished yesterday's entry in enough time to get my hour of writing in, I lost it in the artwork search for the lead image.

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 4 hours 45 minutes, 1x awake, 8x restless, 24 minutes awake/restless - that's pretty inaccurate... I messaged with Cuddle Crush for a bit around 5am.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- INR – 2.0 - not exactly where we want it to be – extra rat poison today.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – It frustrates me to no end that for a guy with a degree in Behavioral Psychology, Bran is still 100% clueless on how to handle my Borderline Personality Disorder when I'm having a meltdown. Even after 10 years of attempting to educate him on Emotional Validation, he's completely fucking useless. He always goes for the logic first. He always INVALIDATES me. He always makes the meltdown a thousand times worse long before he ever even tries to make it better.

Fucking idiot.  

He tried to placate and soothe me with a nice dinner and some treats... *sigh* because you feed a meltdown, right? That's all you have to do, right? You give it some ice cream and the bad things will all just magically go away?

Think again.

For fucks sake.

So, I pretty much just ended up putting on my headphones/music (the playlist for Cuddle Crush) and curled into a fetal position with a box of tissues and tried to think about what it would be like to be with her instead. I just held myself and cried and cried and cried.

And THEN he suggested we should snuggle.

*sigh*

Better late than never.

The cuddles did help. It brought me out of the worst of the meltdown. I still felt loved. I still know he loves me. I still know I love him.

It's a band-aid over a bullet hole, but I’m patched up for now.

- The Unicorn – I guess her dad is taking her to New York for Spring Break...  

It's cool.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  I made a promise to Cuddle Crush that I would always protect her. As a part of that promise I stopped putting my phone on silent at night. I have it set to regard our Chat App as a priority and then I put my phone in 'Do Not Disturb' - So, when she responded to my "Snuzzles" message at 5:10 this morning, I woke up instantly and responded.

She said she wished she was snuggling right then.

From there we expressed our very mutual discomfort with the separation between us. It's not even a sexual desire, although I'm sure that's there too, but this was just the pure need to be close to one another.

We need each other.

We both acknowledge this.

We need each others touch.

We both acknowledge this as well.

This means I'm not willing to just suck it the fuck up and keep telling her that she's better off without me. I'm actually open and honest with her about how I feel about her.

This means she appreciates my honesty... and more to the point, she feels the same. She's finding it just as hard to be patient with this situation as I am.

I need to hear that from her sometimes.

Especially after a Meltdown like yesterday's.

I guess I just need to know that someone misses me.  

--

We were just chatting about how much I need a shoulder to cry on right now... she said she'd love to be that shoulder for me.

I have no words.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Goddess the fuck up.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.