Letting go should never be easy.
It shouldn't be trivial to just walk away if something was important enough to hang onto in the first place.
I mean, relationships sour, sure. But that's not letting go. That's self-preservation when you're walking away from something if it's become toxic.
I'm talking about connections.
I'm talking about attachments.
*heavy sigh*
At some point last winter/early spring, I had to let Jasper go.
Not as a friend, but as a lover. We just weren't connecting. I was hella connecting with him, but he wasn't connecting the same with me. I was taking great solace in him. The reverse just wasn't the true. I was making him feel even worse about his situation.
My attachment?
Jasper was the first lover who ever held me down and meant it.
It was the most mind blowing fucking thing I've ever experienced.
I cried for two weeks when I realized I had to let that go.
But, I let it go.
It hurt.
No one has held me down since.
--
Cuddle Crush is in my life now.
I know what she's capable of. I know how primal she can be.
Tread so carefully here... protect her relationships, protect her family, and above all, protect her.
Always protect her.
But I'll never let her go.
It may be a very long time before she and I get to experience each other, if at all. I know she wants it as much as I do, so she's going to try at some point. I'm in no hurry. She needs to bond with her family first.
But, I know who she is and I know what she is... she's something that can never be simply walked away from. I've tried. Her pull is just too strong for that.
*sigh*
It is what it is.
I'm so tangled in her now that I know I'll never be free.
And you know what? I don't fucking care.
I like it here.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy – I stand by my conviction that Valkyrie is going to fall out of her fucking chair today.
- Writing – Claimed is still spinning in my brain... but I was too tired to write yesterday.
- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 44 minutes, 4x awake, 8x restless, 25 minutes awake/restless.
- Fur-babies – Dreamy and I took our nap together yesterday. He cuddled. It was super sweet.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Scanners – I've been migraine and back pain free for a few days now... I wonder if I finally kicked this thing?
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – One thing I've definitely noticed since he got back is that I’m never the one to push for passion between us. I always let him make the first move. Even when I've been in very heightened sexual states... I don't proposition him, I wait for him to come to me.
I'm ALWAYS responsive, though.
I can tell when he needs me to be.
It's just that kiss that lingers a second or two longer than a peck. That's when I know he needs me to push back. To return into him, and a kiss is literally all it takes. He'll get rock hard just from that. Then, if he has time (three jobs, remember), he'll escalate it from there.
Sometimes he needs to visit me more than once throughout the day to experience that kiss until a break opens up and he has the moments free to take advantage of them.
It's good between us right now.
So. Fucking. Good.
I think 2016/17 are becoming distant memories. We don't need to look back anymore. I don't need to blame him for any hurt anymore. It was all her. He was manipulated too. He's proven that he regrets what happened and he's more than made it up to me.
It's good now.
I survived.
I'm happy.
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Sweeties -
Nothing new to report.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Yesterday degenerated into a naughty pic fest pretty quickly... this is me not complaining. She's the most beautiful fucking woman I've ever seen. She had a very strong appreciation for me as well.
*warm sigh* And she knows just what I need from her too. She knows how gentle I need her to be when it comes to the D/s, and she knows how aggressive I need her to be when it comes to the sex.
Do you have any idea how long I've been searching for that? Someone who can do both? Be both? Someone who knows when to flip that switch?
It kills me how perfect she is.
And I told her that. That it was always her. I was always hers. And I always will be. I'm not letting go.
She told me to be careful... she reminded me that she has a family now.
I had to back pedal fast and remind her that I'm already fully aware of that and that I NEED her with her family right now. I'm not contesting them or trying to pull her away.
I reminded her of how unsafe it would be for her to be with me without their counterbalance to guard her heart. Cuddle Crush is tougher than fucking diamonds, but she's fragile when it comes to love.
And I told her that I will always protect her, even if it means protecting her from me.
She says that makes me amazing, lol.
I love her enough to make her safety my first priority. Does that make me amazing? I don't know, but, it's the right thing to do.
Someday I'll feel that fist in my hair.
I might need to wait a long time.
I'm okay with that.
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
So, I guess I kinda let Cuddle Crush go a little bit.
More like I lessen my grip.
I'm more than willing to sacrifice my own needs to let someone safer grip her tighter.
This doesn't mean I want her any less... godz no... not that... my every waking moment is besieged with the desire to feel her taking me. This is just me accepting the fact that it’s not safe for her to give me that, yet. Even if I know how much she wants it too.
She needs her family first. I need her to be with her family first.
It's what she deserves. She deserves to be first. She deserves to be loved the most. Chosen.
I can give that to her as her submissive, but I can't give that to her in a relationship. The different bonds are parallel, yes, but she needs the relationship first.
*shakes head*
Wow...
Who would have thought that we'd end up here...
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