... coming out of a hiatus of nothing...

Yesterday was a better day all around for the coping. Today I'm still on coffee, so it's too early to tell, yet. But, yesterday I was dealing much better with the Blue Falcon's shift into Friend Mode.

Also, Cuddle Crush was surprisingly quiet.

And yet, no abandonment issues. Not from the Blue Falcon and not from Cuddle Crush.

(shhhh! I even forgot my abandonment issue stone pouch during the day!)

I was okay.

I'm pretty sure I'll be fine today too.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – Valkyrie pointed out that it's only been a week since I was just starting and bullet pointing out Claimed... Now I'm 6.5K through it and closing in on the last two scenes. Even Cuddle Crush says I've been 'working wicked hard at it' and that she's impressed.

I'm not too happy with how slow it's going, but this is coming out of a hiatus of nothing... it's natural that it would take some time for some traction to kick in.

The other thing is that for the first time, ever, I'm writing from a place of pure love. Cuddle Crush may very well be my muse. The key element that I needed to fulfill the task assigned to me by Apophis.

We also talked about my revulsion in the realm of dating one step above Generation Tide Pod... but the long distance with Bran is going to kill me. So, choices are limited. The one major pitfall there is that even if I did find someone cute, cuddly, and accessible... I'd just be thinking 'you're not Cuddle Crush' the entire time. So, this is still going to suck...  

And, of course, we talked about Supernatural too. I regret telling her about the ScoobyNatural episode. I should have just let her walk into that one completely blind. The reaction would have been much better.

- Writing – Cuddle Crush is definitely my muse when it comes to Claimed. I'm pretty much writing this for her eyes only, even though Valkyrie has expressed a strong interest in reading this as well. She likes the way I've described the two different timelines weaving in and out of each other.

This is the first time I haven't written from pain. Claimed is 100% pure Labor of Love. It's a gift of love and devotion for her.

The really interesting thing will be to see if I'm able to pick up Torvus again after I've finished this for Cuddle Crush...

I may need to budget my Windows Key into April so I can get my Scrivener back.

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 36 minutes, 4x awake, 13x restless, 35 minutes awake/restless.

- Fur-babies – Dreamy came and cuddled last night. Such a Puddin' Belly.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – I was very happily attacked by a Mo last night.

Not enough words to express how much I love that man.

Also, I think it's important that I didn’t' dwell on the Blue Falcon too much. I made it a point to let Bran be there for me. I let him mend me.  

Now that I think about it... Bran has a thing for repairing broken things... so it's entirely possible that he favors the occasional broken heart out of me because he knows that some extra hugs, some cheesecake, and a great session of Mo can help 'fix' me.

None of that is true, of course, but he doesn't have to know that.

The point is that I let him try, and I let him in enough to still tell him that he's my happy place, even if I'm still dying a bit on the inside.

He's still the one holding my hand in the dark.

He's still my rock, my standing stone, my one safe port in the storm.

None of that is true either.

He broke the kind of trust it would take for me to rely on him like that, and like it or not, that kind of trust never comes back.

I trusted him to protect me, and he didn't.

You can't come back from that.

He doesn't need to know that, though.

- The Unicorn – Her spring break is coming up!! YEAH SUPERNATURAL!!

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  We were just chatting a little bit. Not much, but enough for me to know that she's still there and that she still loves me.  

I don't know how much I really worry about that anymore...

… I think coming to grips with the whole Fated Mate thing just 'solidified' her for me.

I know she's in my life for good. I have the strong sense that our physical relationship cannot be stopped. I feel comfortable waiting for her because I know she needs the trust building of feeling me there for her no matter what she's going through in her world.

Kind of the same way Bran was always there for me and then I finally started to trust him after we were homeless together.

I feel like she needs that sort of 'thick or thin' bonding experience with someone, and far be it for me to deny her that. Especially if I can be the person earning that level of trust out of her.

I just hope I can learn from Bran's mistakes.

I hope I'm never in a position where I have to break that trust.

Yeah, the shit with Bran may have taught me how to be more self-reliant, but was the level of damage in its wake really worth it?

I don’t ever want to have to damage her the way he damaged me.

I just want to be a 'solid' in her life. I want to be her rock and her standing stone. I want to be her one safe port in the raging storm. I want her to know that she can always come back to me.

That's why I'm so patient with her now.

She's my Fated Mate...  

… eventually, there will be a 'shift' on her end. It may or may not be subtle. It may or may not be comfortable. It will open a door, though. It will give her the opportunity to come to me.

Then we will be.

And it will be good.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

If I get moving on this, I'll have time to work on Claimed before the Weekly Blood Sacrifice.