... the worlds I could show her...

I may have finally gotten a small glimpse into the mind of Cuddle Crush last night.

She keeps her mysteries close, saying admirable words, but never explaining them in detail. She favors her A-Words, telling me that I'm Adorable, Awesome, or Amazing... but never more than that.

It's pretty fucking frustrating.  

She's wanted me longer than I've wanted her.

I would love to know what she sees when she looks at me.

*sigh* However, last night there were a few, short words:

''You speak such sweet things to me. And make me blush all the time."

I mean, it's not much, but it's something.

My only response was that she deserves it. She's worthy of it.

You see, there's something much deeper than a simple, mutual crush happening here.

In every dark romance I've ever written, since before I was my daughter's age, I was always the main character. Just an ordinary human being treated like she was nothing. Low self-esteem. Low self-worth. Practically invisible except for being the object of all the teasing and bullying.

And yet, in every story, something older, darker, insanely powerful, and not exactly human was called to that ordinary me. Something that loved me enough to see me deeper than any mortal could. Something that saw my potential and took it upon itself to elevate me.  

Now, I’m not going to go into details, but I've lived that fantasy more than once. It's been my reality enough times that I've grown into me and gotten comfortable in my own skin.

Then this latest evolution... after everything I just survived with Bran... the day I realized I no longer fear pain and I actually challenged my Gods to test me further... so they tested me with love instead... they sent Cuddle Crush to me.

And I loved again.

What I see when I look at her... what I imagine she must see when she looks at me.

I often wonder if it's the same as all those dark romances that I've written for as long as I can remember.

When I fell in love with her, I leveled up.  

So, maybe it's my turn now?

Maybe it's my turn to reach down and pick someone else up.

Maybe this is the next stage in acknowledging my own divinity. To claiming my full power.

Because when I look at her, I see all this untapped potential. She's so self-aware on so much of what she is, but she's still being held back by some pain and fear. She still needs some convincing to accept her full power. She's not quite aware of where she needs to be, yet...

… oh...  

… the worlds I could show her.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – The Spoons played nice yesterday. I did the dishes. Cleaned the house a bit. Made a vat of Chicken Noodle. I fucking rock the hell out of Chicken Noodle! And I meal prepped some filler for egg sandwiches. I have little, plastic wrapped tubes of filler in the freezer now. And thus, the mushrooms did not go bad before I had a chance to use them, but I also didn't have to stand there for hours with my little egg cooker making individual little egg patties. Fucking RAWR. - And then, after all that, I STILL managed to have –just- enough left over to shower.

The Spoons will probably fuck me over and incapacitate me on some level for the rest of the week, but yesterday was a good day.

- Writing – Over 1300 words went into Claimed yesterday, and the rest of it is well bulled pointed out, so it's going to flow nicely. Every time my head runs away with the fantasy, I come back and sub-bullet point the additional information. A sort of pre-writing, if you will. The story simply NEEDS to get written.  

No, not for me this time.

It contains vital information about me that I need to share with Cuddle Crush. I don’t know when she'll ever find time to read it, but I hope she will.

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 48 minutes, 3x awake, 14x restless, 56 minutes awake/restless - really need the Fitbit HR so I have that when I start working out on my own. Heart rate monitoring is fucking vital, dammit.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Blood Sugar – 133 post-meal – fucking awesome.

- Scanners – Stupid fucking neurologist who doesn't fucking listen. Stupid fucking physical therapy on my neck where the problem isn’t even the problem. I'd love to jam a rusty chainsaw in that stupid fucking cunt.

- Inflammation - / - Aquatic Therapy – I've been feeling some soreness in my back and in my triceps... I can't tell if it's workout-sore or inflammation... It's probably a little of both? Annoying either way. *sigh* I really need to start banging a masseuse.  

- Weight Management – The one good thing is they might do a weight check on me today and it would be cool if I've dropped another few pounds.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – I just can't get over how much more intimate and loving our relationship is now. The cuddliness and the touching. The hugs and 'I love you's'. The random visits just for a kiss.

The occasional Mo.

After my shower last night I waited until the Unicorn went to bed before I got dressed (gray fuzzy robe was on), so I could perform some skin care.

Bran must have gotten a bit excited, because it wasn't long before things got naked. *warm sigh* - I'm still not disappointed that the stamina just isn't there for him. He maybe gets one good thrust in at the level where I'm ready to make a single sound, and then it's over, but I'm okay with that.

I don't need the sex itself to be mind-blowing here. I mean, yeah, it would be cool if he was strong enough to make me scream, but it's just not happening for us that way right now.

It's more than okay.  

With Bran, I crave the intimacy more than the sex.  

It’s in the way he kisses me... the way he touches me... the way he moves against me...  

I can feel how much he loves me.

I really need that from him right now.

We've healed a lot... so much so that I barely think about the last two years anymore... but I don't know what it's going to be like for me when he leaves for a few weeks for his other job. I don't know if I'm going to lose my shit worrying if he's coming back or not.

I don't know how much more reassurance I'm going to need to feel secure.

- The Unicorn – Yesterday was still pretty awesome, despite how many show breaks we had to take so I could be all domestic and shit. She just played Minecraft and it was cool.

I've made a decision about Ostara this year.

I think we're done with egg hunts and baskets. She's fucking 14 now and she doesn't even like candy anyway. It's just... time to end it.  

I don't want to end the legend, though.  

I just think that Frances should bring her something much more practical. Something she'll actually use.

She's getting a $25 Minecraft gift card.

Problem solved.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – So! I sucked it the fuck up and I just asked flat outright. I need a favor that's putting you out of your way. He asked what. I said I needed to be dropped off in X-Far-Away for part of a day. He said okay.

That's it.

Just, 'sure'.

Didn't even ask me why.

So, now it's up to Cuddle Crush to adjust what she needs to on her end. Find a venue and decide what she's sharing with her house about her outing. She knows there's no pressure, but now she also knows I’m ready to come to her as soon as she's ready for me to.

Nuff said.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  Yeah, for the most part we've covered this. Yet another opener where it's clear that all I ever think about is her. She's always at the forefront of my mind.  

I've been reading over my entries from a year ago and I was just as twitterpated over Rain back then.  

One might assume, then, that a year from now Cuddle Crush might be a blocked, distant memory as well.

I highly doubt it.

Rain didn't feel the same way about me that I did about him.

No one ever feels the same way about me that I do about them.

Except Bran.

Except Cuddle Crush.

Bran filled the Soulmate hole.

Cuddle Crush is the perfect Sweetie. She's someone who will feel a deep connection to me even if we need to keep things on the relationship side kind of casual. The love will still be there.

Now... parallel universe, though. On the D/s end...  

… I've been looking for Cuddle Crush in every person I've ever met for the better part of 20-years, including Bran.  

… No one ever lived up to my expectations of what I needed in my one true Alpha.

… No one but her.

… Only her.

So, you see, it doesn't matter what happens in our relationship from here. If something happens on her end and she decides we're done, and I have to block her just to try to forget about her. No one will ever replace her. That part of me is hers.  

It was always hers.

It will always be hers.

Even if I try to forget her... that hole will always be there.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Yeah, I know... kinda somber there.

I'm okay.

I'm not worried about losing her right now.  

She did a really good job of quelling my fear of abandonment the other day... and my other copes seem to be working just fine at keeping the rest of it down.

*long sigh*

All I want to do is hold her tight, look her in the eyes, tell her how beautiful she is, and make her feel how much I love her... how much I need her.

She needs that.

She really does.