I never found the Alpha strong enough to take me down...

A long time ago I dabbled in D/s play. Enough that I was even in the local BDSM scene for a bit. Until enough disappointments happened that I became disgusted enough to wash my hands of it. I ended up seeking my comfort in the Poly community instead.

It took me a really long time to forgive the scene and realize that the problem wasn't with them. It was with me. I'm just too fucking complicated for this.

There's just too much trauma and too many triggers and back then I wasn't able to articulate the fact that I would only respond to a very patient and gentle hand at first. I needed the trust building to be extensive. I needed negotiation. I needed to be heard.

Right, so that shouldn't seem so very complicated, LOL.  

Except that I only needed gentle until it came to the sex. Once we made it to the physical part, that's when I needed things to get rough... like /really/ rough. I'm talking pin me down, grab a fistful of my hair, and fuck me to within an inch of my life level rough.

And that's where it sucked... I could never find anyone who was half angel half demon enough to be both... to do both... they were always either too gentle to the point where I couldn't feel a thing... or so rough that they never made it to within a million miles of my walls.

Most of the time they were just assholes who were only interested in the physical aspect of submission. They only wanted the body... And yeah, there were a few, very rare instances where I was able to surrender my body... but I never found the Alpha strong enough to take me down the rest of the way.

My mind... my heart... my soul... they all remain untouched.

Unclaimed.

And for that, you need someone really special. Someone careful enough to gently peel back each layer of armor. Someone to give me permission to be fragile... to be vulnerable. Someone who would slowly strip me bare until I was completely naked and fully exposed... long before my clothes ever came off.

And then fuck me so hard I scream the dust from the rafters.

I don't blame the world for that Alpha not existing.

I blame me.

I’m a Self-Aware Goddess, Amazon Warrior, Phoenix Rising, Sex Magick Wielding Succubus...  

I’m much more than a full Alpha in my own right.

I regret nothing.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – March is already shaping up to be a suck ass month – and no, it's not just March – this could be my life moving forward – This could be just the way things are.

See, I'm used to Tuesday's and Wednesday's being the only days I have to leave the house for something. Therapy and the weekly blood sacrifice to the anti-coagulation gods.  

But, now we're stacking in Physical Therapy that is somehow supposed to help with my migraines and Aquatic Therapy for exercise training.  

Okay, so let's assume the Physical Therapy works and that I complete my training with the Aquatic Therapy... well, then I'm still heading out at least 3-days a week to the nearby gym/pool to workout.

So... this is kinda it. No more days off during the week and weekends are compromised too.  

This all boils down to less time/energy for self-care or to get other projects worked on.

Unless things actually begin to improve my energy level and I start to regain some of my ability to focus?

Slim chance, but I'll take it.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy – Got about ¾ of a row in during Coffee and Contemplation this morning.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 59 minutes, 2x awake, 14x restless, 36 minutes awake/restless - fuckin 7 hours? NICE!!

- Fur-babies - *facepalm* DRUNK CATMOM! I don't want to talk about it. Dreamy and Splotches both came over. I'm glad that I could give them a break from her.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – We're working it out so I can make my own hummus and hummus like spreads... less expensive, we hope... Fuck... I love him.

- The Unicorn – So, the main focus of the IEP was 'functional' rather than 'academic'. We're not worried about the Unicorn's grades or how fast/slow she's progressing in school. We're more worried about how self-sufficient she's going to be moving forward. This is high school... it's time.

Which means JerkDad was pretty fucking quiet. LOL!!! Fucker.

Bullet points were getting her to back down when it comes to trying to take control of group settings/assignments. My suggestion was this could be a Borderline thing. But I just checked with a friend of mine who also has BPD and she suggested that the Unicorn just has a very strong personality... very Dominant. (she would know) - there's a work around, see below.

Getting her comfortable with things like fractions and add/take away by working on things like recopies and grocery/budget lists. JerkDad is going to get her involved in cooking more, so he's got that covered. I suggested that the add/take away could be best served by playing on her empathy. Go TO HER with a budget problem and have HER help with the work to figure it out.

Lastly, and I don't remember how we got there, but I remember telling her High School Case Worker that Drama/Theatre saved my life when I was in high school. We discussed how her ability to memorize stories would make her an excellent candidate for learning lines in a play. And ALSO how Improv would help her learn group dynamics more. She'd gain that skill of how to accept what is and she'd learn to back down and let someone else take the lead a little more.

I /really/ like her High School guy.

Great attention to detail.

He noticed my shirt right away and asked if I was a reader. I told him I'm a writer. So, it also came up that the Unicorn is a born story teller too.

This guy and I are going to get along fucking famously.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – He checked in on me this morning! (squee!) I know he's still in my life... but it just feels so fucking good when he makes first contact like that.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Friend's ankle continues to heal. I told her that Amazon Strength = +5 Heal on all D20 rolls.  

She LOL'd

End Notes:  

My Facebook memories are coming through with a lot of -  Abuse Survivor / Don't Fuck With Me – stuff from two years ago.

So... there it is... I guess...  

We're finally getting to the memory point of where that fucking bitch betrayed me.