It's easier to let the Blue Falcon go...

Yesterday I wished that the Blue Falcon would just get a girlfriend so we could make the official transition to platonic and I could stop wavering in limbo over where I stand in my Sweetieship with him.

Be careful what you fucking wish for.

Granted, this was always the plan, and he really put his life on hold to be there for me last year. And Bran is back now, so I'm not the Blue Falcon's responsibility anymore. Truthfully, I never should have been, but he took it upon himself to make sure I survived until Bran got back.  

He's a good man like that.

Anyway, so he met someone, and it's good. I'm glad to see him getting on with his life. Really, it's about time.

But then he had to go and ask my opinion on a pic of him for his dating profile.

It was topless.

Fuuuuuck.

Oowwwww.

What the hell, Blue Falcon?

Just dig that rusty auger right into my heart and remind me of every reason why I fell for you in the first place. Fucking hell that pic was sexy, and I was just... a fish out of water for a few minutes, gasping for breath. It fucking hurt.

I'm sucking it up and dealing...

And we still have the agreement that we're available to each other as lovers again whenever he's not in a relationship. So, if things don't work out with this girl, it's going to be interesting to see where our overall, long-term relationship dynamic takes us.  

Will I be able to handle going back and forth like that?

That's the kind of relationship I've always wanted with a cub, so I'm very invested in making that work with the Blue Falcon.

I had the chance to tell him all about Cuddle Crush too. Ye Gods, did I ever swoon. She's so fucking incredible. She's exactly what I needed and nothing I ever even knew that I wanted until I met her. She completely fucking blindsided me. I wasn't looking for her when I found her... but I feel so lucky that I did find her. I love her so much.

She's making it a lot easier to let the Blue Falcon go.

Remember, letting go is supposed to suck, right? It's supposed to hurt a bit.

But I can do it. It's coming easier with him than it has with others.

It's easier to let the Blue Falcon go.

For that I am grateful.  

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – So that will be an interesting update for Valkyrie tomorrow.

- Writing – I was only able to peck at Claimed yesterday... only about 300 words. Pathetic.

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 44 minutes, 3x awake, 16x restless, 49 minutes awake/restless.

- Fur-babies – I got to cuddle with the Blue Falcon's kitty... the one that will cuddle with me. The other one is a daddy cat all the way. His cats are completely addicted to him.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – We discussed fitness trackers a little bit last night. It's been on his mind lately for some reason. Not sure why, but maybe that's something? I mean, it's no commitment ring, but it's something. He's looking into options for something less expensive than a Fitbit that will still have the features I need. My main things are Sleep Tracking, Continuous Heart Rate Tracking, and Total Water Resistance. - Fitbits get pretty expensive with those features.

I told him about the Blue Falcon, and he tried to comfort me. We shared a good hug while I was heating up a can of soup for dinner. He said we'd cuddle, but then he didn't assume cuddle position, so I had to settle for laying close. Then I just said 'fuck it, let's go to bed." So, we did. Then he cuddled a bit.

It's okay.  

I think this is actually the first time I've gone to him with a broken heart. When I lost Set, I refused to go to him at all. So, it makes sense that he's not very good at this. It is what it is. It's fine. I shouldn't expect much here.  

My heart still hurts.

It's going to hurt for a bit.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  I have my girl. I can rely on my twitterpation with her to get me through this.

You know me. This is my model. Remember how hard I clung to the Dragon as my happy place to get me through that shit with the Screeching Harpy.

Cuddle Crush is there.

We keep finding new reasons to be in love with each other every day. Right now we're chatting about my vehement hatred of normals and how I much prefer the company of my fellow freaks. This transitioned into how I raised the Unicorn to be a total freak too. Cuddle Crush loves it, she fucking loves all of it.

And it made me realize that the freak within her was what first drew me to her. The first thing I saw of her, her profile picture was her with this very severe, fierce goth makeup. Pure warrior goth. Unapologetic and absolute 'ima fuck you up now'. Fuck... she was just so beautiful.

And, yet... I was totally slow on the uptake. Too lost in my trauma to realize that I already wanted her too. She was just something so new. A creature unlike anything I'd ever encountered before.

I love her so fucking much.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon – We covered this... I hurt. Ima be okay.

End Notes:  

So, I'm not ready to date again.

I'm not ready to deal with the horrors that will bring.

I'm not willing to attempt to be the Virgin Goddess to a bunch of Tide Pod eating millennials again. They're fucking useless.

I'll probably reactivate my OKC profile anyway... just to start some conversations... but, I'm not expecting much. These little fuckers are going to have to work hard to win my affections if they want to be my cubs.