Adds new meaning to Tough Love, I guess...

There's something to be said for hitting bottom.

To being broken... shattered... completely demolished by the cosmic sledge hammer.  

The visit to the abyss.

The walk in the underworld.

Separation, Initiation, and Return...

… thing is... no matter how much I write about it...

… you'll never understand unless it's happened to you at least once.

It's more than just spiritual, though.

This shit fucking hurts, and it hurts hard. The post trauma of the Hero's Journey is so interwoven with Mental Illness it's ridiculous. Sometimes you can't even tell what happened first! Were you made mentally ill because of the trauma of the journey? Or was the mental illness already present as a part of the catalyst for the journey itself?

No one knows!

It's not all bad. Once there is return there is also a long period of recovery. Slowly one begins to rebuild a life... and then that will get torn away too... the Separation, Initiation, Return will happen multiple times in ones life, and these epiphanies and revelations will become more and more profound every time.

No regrets.

But, the trauma's going to be worse every time too.

One thing is for damn certain, though...

… this forever changes you...

… you will see things differently than you did before...

There is something this new vision will always be able to see after the first journey, and the vision becomes more and more clear each time around that wheel.  

We can see the ones who've never stepped one foot off that ledge.

Even if we love that person dearly, they can appear... immature to us. Mewling children who have no fucking clue about the hell they will soon face. Sometimes we mistakenly want to protect them and we enable their bad behavior to keep them from hitting bottom.

This is the worst thing we can do for them. It only stunts their growth.

It sounds so cruel, I know, but sometimes the only, truly loving act is letting go and letting them drop.

It doesn't mean that we can't be a loving part of their recovery process. That's actually a very unique bonding experience.

Bran didn't just let me drop. He fucking wound me up and tossed my ass down so hard that the bottom of that pit is still a crime scene...

… it worked.

… I'm fucking amazing because of what he put me through.

… didn’t in any way make him less loving.

He's been there for me in every breaking since. He's the one who's always helped the most with my recovery.

Adds new meaning to Tough Love, I guess.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – I'm feeling... much better today. Most of yesterday I was still pretty raw. I may have some residual Bad JuJu to work through because, to be honest, there's really no actual resolution on the reason for my Meltdown. All I got was a nice distraction from it, so it's not gone. It's going to come up again. This will happen a lot until I either get comfortable being alone or I woman the fuck up and get myself a cub.

- Writing – As hard as I try... some days it just doesn't happen. - This goes for the Beta Read I'm supposed to be powering through too.

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 16 minutes, 6x awake, 16x restless, 42 minutes awake/restless - got a little 5 am chat in with Cuddle Crush again. I don't care, she's worth losing sleep over.

- Fur-babies -  

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Inflammation – There _may_ have been a slight trigger yesterday... I can't really tell... my lower and upper back seemed a bit sore. Sore enough for me to take some acetaminophen... but that cleared it up just fine... yeah... totally not sure on that one.

- Aquatic Therapy – OMG – Seriously I have no fucking words for how awesome this is!!

I really hesitate to call it 'Therapy', though. We're not really treating me for an injury. My inflammation isn't something that I can 'recover' from, it's just something that I can manage. The aquatics is helping me gain a standard of physical fitness while 'managing' the inflammation, but it's not really 'therapy'.

One thing we're noticing is that my heart rate drops instantly once I hit the water. Bran says it's because the buoyancy is taking the strain off my heart. He's probably right, but I was kinda thinking that it was just that the water calms me down so much. Maybe it's a little of both.

We stepped up the game yesterday.

The leg exercises included a Styrofoam 'float' wrapped around my foot/ankle. This provides extra resistance in the water because my foot wants to get away from me.  

My core strength is continuing to improve exponentially every week! Yesterday I was able to do the leg exercises totally free standing. I was able to maintain my balance in the water. It takes a LOT of concentration though. You wouldn't believe how much!! - So, those moments when I distracted myself and started thinking about Cuddle Crush... yeah, totally lost my shit in the water.

The arm exercises included the added challenge of trying to clench a rubber ball between my knees. We had to go all the way up to level 1 in the pool before I could maintain my balance enough to keep my butt against the wall... that's going to need a LOT of improvement!!

My trainer explained why I feel sore two days later. It's called Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. It's sketchy on what causes DOMS or whether or not it's good/bad/ugly, but the running theory is that my body will adapt once I start exercising more regularly. I’m really not worried too much about it. It still feels like good workout pain to me.

I'm a bit worried about finding the right pool to keep going with this after I'm done training... I'm sure it will work out, but... eh?

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Some upheaval yesterday morning on his end. He was fine by the afternoon, though. We went shopping in the early evening for the Unicorn's Ostara gift. It's all good. We'll sort it out.

Still not happy about him leaving... still working through it.

Still have the trust issues... not sure what that does to him, if anything.

He's still the reluctant hero. If he needs to step into some drama and deal with it, he will, but he won't be happy about it.

He's still the man that I love and he's my life mate... that's not going to change.

Things will fall into place.

- The Unicorn – My weekend starts tonight.  :)

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  Received new information last night. Very upsetting news that explains a lot. Nothing that damages my relationship with Cuddle Crush, but things that could result in some fallout on her end. She won't be happy. This does not make me happy.

Remember yesterday when I said I needed to find a way to Goddess the Fuck Up.

Well this is it.

As soon as I received this new information, my problems with Bran just didn't matter anymore.  

I have to get strong and fucking stay there.  

Cuddle Crush may need me to be the comforter.

I need to make sure that I'm there for her.

Don't take that the wrong way. She's tougher than fucking diamonds. She doesn't need me to save her. She doesn't need me to rescue her. And she's already got the person who will stand by her side while she saves/rescues herself.

She doesn't need me.

She wants me.

Okay, she needs me too. Just, not as some sort of savior. She needs me as her lover. Maybe if I’m really fucking lucky, she'll need me as a girlfriend and I'll be allowed to be that for her. Bran's okay with it, but things need to even out on her end for it to happen.

I would love it if I could be her girlfriend.

In my heart and mind I already am.

She doesn't know that, though.

Not yet.

…

…

… I love her so fucking much.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Bran leaving is not a 'walk in the underworld' level event. More like a test to see how well I survived my last visit there.

*sigh*

Thanks, Powers.

I guess I didn't really need that extended recovery time after all?

Fuck you very much too.