... a cosmic game of Whack-A-Mole...

I shut down again yesterday.

I finished my entry, which was great, and then my eyes puckered. I pretty much knew from that moment that the rest of the day was done for me. I was being commanded to go lay down and rest... again.

Still recovering from Wednesday's meltdown. Which is over, but not resolved. I can Goddess the Fuck Up and I can get through anything. I can survive Bran being gone. (keyword: survive) I just can't _live_ like that. That's a loss I’m going to have to grieve over and over and over again, every time he leaves.

Our relationship will stunt... possibly even backslide.

My recovery from 2016/2017 will most certainly backslide.

It's going to take so much longer for my wounds to heal, and fresh ones will be inflicted. My abandonment and trust issues are going to get hit like they're in a cosmic game of Whack-A-Mole.

I *might* get fed up enough with the lack of touch that I put myself out there and start recruiting Sweeties again.

Really? I just want Cuddle Crush.

For clarification purposes, that's not going to happen. Even if things did move into the physical realm, this is more of a 'date night once a week' kind of thing. She has her own life to tend to. She has her own connections that I need her to tend to so that she's healthy and stable enough for anything between us to work.

I just want her...

… and really, who could blame me?

Okay, so... taking stock of the big picture here... In 2016 I met Never Enough via OKCupid – he was a big part of how I survived that hell. In 2017 I met Pathfinder via OKCupid – and I cherish that connection.

I got two good guys in two fucked up years.

So, yeah... eventually... maybe... I don't know.

I’m still really messed up about this.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – One of the hardest things for me to grapple with in all of this is that my dread of the future is fucking with my reality so much now that my productivity is in the toilet. I shut down yesterday. No writing. No knitting. Just me and my #NapAttack's or me and my Netflix...

I managed to shower.

That was my greatest fucking achievement yesterday.

This fucking sucks.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 4 hours 54 minutes, 3x awake, 11x restless, 22 minutes awake/restless.

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Aquatic Therapy – Not noticing the soreness too much... It'll be interesting to see how sore I get when I'm out on my own and I really start overdoing it because – fuck yeah – I'm probably going to push myself half to death with this much fun.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – We got into the trust issues a little bit yesterday.

He's upset.

Dare I say, even hurt?

This is a really difficult concept for me to grasp right now. I don't understand how HE'S upset and hurt over MY trust issues given what HE put me through. Yes, he was manipulated, but still... I trusted him to protect me and he didn't. He turned away from me, nearly let me die, and nearly severed our relationship.

You can't come back from something like that.

I'm sorry.

I can forgive him. I can love him, but I can't forget the fact that he let that happen to me. He just fucking stood there, letting it happen... defending it, even!

How does he have the right to be hurt by the fact that I don't trust him?

All that really means is that I won't rely on him ever again. I'll keep my guard up. I won't let him in as deeply as I have in the past. I'm just going to be a stronger, more independent woman who is with him because I WANT to be, not because I NEED to be. I'm not complaicent with him anymore. I don't take it for granted that he's just going to be there.

I still need him present if the loving side of our relationship is going to continue to repair and recover, but I don't need him just to survive anymore.

I can go into survival mode without him. It's easier with a loving partner, yes, but that doesn't mean it absolutely has to be him.  

Don't get me wrong. I love the fuck out of him. Losing him would fuck me up for a really long time, and that's exactly why I know I can't trust him.  

He has no reason to stay with me. There's no mark of commitment keeping him with me. He could leave at any time. At any given moment, he could decide that he likes being gone better than he likes being home. He could choose a different life.

I have _nothing_ to say that he wouldn't.

Could anyone really blame me for keeping up the wards around my heart?

- The Unicorn – We got our typical 'Friday Talk-Fest' in... I updated her on how things are progressing with Cuddle Crush. She thinks we're adorable.  

She had a lot to say about RWBY... wow... she really loves that show.

Nothing spiritual came up, which is odd for her, but I rolled with it.

She says they're studying the endocrine system in school... and the whole 'learning about boys and girls bodies' thing has her really upset. She feels like it's crossing too many boundaries, but I explained to her the tragedies of simpering man-children who have no clue what women are – and how her future husband will NEED this information. I even capped it with telling her how much her own father failed in this regard, especially in caring for her when she was a baby.  

She was disgusted.

So, she gets it now. This is stuff you need to know.  

I should probably explain the flip side and tell her she's going to be a better wife and mother if she understands boys too.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  I don't want to say that we're at a lull... it's more like we're at a 'comfort zone'.  

I hesitate to say it... but I think we passed the barrier of the crush/flirty stage and we've entered more into the 'online relationship' stage. We're falling into more emotionally supportive roles rather than clawing at our screens at naughty pics or something.

It just continues to grow, mature, evolve, and I fucking love it. I love all of it with her. I love everything about her.

I really want to be with her.

I really want this relationship in the physical realm.

Who could blame me.

She wants that too.

Who could blame her.

Patience is hard some days.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

I don't know what to expect out of today, yet.

Part of me still wants to attempt to write and stuff.

The rest of me wants to be realistic and take the weekend off and just enjoy my time with the Unicorn.

I think that's the much better option.