It would shake my world down to its very foundations...

Abandonment Issues were kicking my ass yesterday.  

No way around it. No sugar coating. It is what it is.

I'm strong, okay. I am. We all know this. Especially after the last two years.  

And we all know that I've been thrown in the pit so many times that I no longer fear pain. I know I'll grow from it. It'll suck ass, but I'll grow from it.

See... here's the thing, though.

None of the above makes me unbreakable.

It doesn't mean I still can't be hurt.

I can still experience things like grief and loss. I can still miss someone. I can still feel the hole left behind if they take a piece of me with them.

Take Cuddle Crush, for example.

She owns a part of me that no one else has ever laid claim to. She has so much of my trust that I know I can surrender to her fully as my Domme. Not just my body... others have had that surrender. I mean everything. Heart, mind, soul, all of it. It's all hers.

Granted, she and I actually haven't discussed this yet. She's remarkably tight lipped about it. So, I really have no clue over whether or not she's ready or even willing to claim someone (me) on that level.  

I would love it if she claimed me, but she might not, for several reasons.  

Regardless, that part of me is still hers, and I believe it will always be hers.  

She's the only one I could ever trust like this.

So, if she leaves... that part of me leaves with her.

My walls go back up and seal the breach, and then they never come back down again.

That.

Would.

Fucking.

Hurt.

And yesterday that was pretty much all I was thinking about.  

Not just losing her as my Domme, but losing the part of me that can trust someone on that level. Losing the part of me that can love her and devote myself to her on that level. Losing the part of me that pretty much worships her as my Goddess right now.  

Losing all that would devastate me. It would shake my world down to its very foundations.

It would take me a very long time to recover and find my wings again.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – I do feel much better today, though... That has way more to do with Cuddle Crush than anything I did to cope on my own, though (it will be in her update below). What I did on my end was some serious Witch-Fu. I broke out the Crystals/Stones.  

I don't know if I ever mentioned it before, but during the Screeching Harpy era one of my copes was a little pouch of Crystals/Stones that I made to wear around my wrist. It's designed in such a way that the pouch is tethered to the wrist band so I can hold the pouch in my hand when I need the extra help. When not in use, I can tuck the pouch into the band to keep it out of the way.

So, I broke out the Crystal Bible and my stuff and filled the bag with the following:

• Kyanite – Ground, Center, Clear, Shut the fuck up BPD
• Sodalite – Emotional regulation, Shut the fuck up BPD
• Snowflake Obsidian – Abandonment Issues, Shut the fuck up BPD
• Moonstone – Calm Triggers, Emotional Regulation
• Green Adventurine – Comfort, Emotional Calm

Hopefully, now that I'm settled, the stones will help keep me there.

- Writing – I /really/ need to get on top of finishing that story for Cuddle Crush... there's vital information in there that I need to pass to her.

- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – Readings came in wonky. I guess the wee hour water run took longer than normal:  

• 3 hours 21 minutes, 2x awake, 7x restless, 26 minutes awake/ restless. (12:44am-5:31am)
• 2 hours 7 minutes, 1x awake, 4x restless, 10 minutes awake/restless. (5:42am-7:59am)

- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Muscle Issues – My back is really starting to bother me again. Not as bad as when I have the migraines, but in the same area. Across my shoulder blades where I really can't reach it. The pain registers as stiffness/soreness... like I really just need a good back rub.

*sigh* Why does Bran have to be so useless at back rubs?

I really need a regular Sweetie who gives back rubs.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – There were cuddles this morning... cuddles are awesome.

- The Unicorn – We had a really good day yesterday!! We made progress in Season 5 of Supernatural. We finished Season 5 of Voltron. We officially started Sailor Moon.  

I Fucking Rock This Geek Mom Thing!

I didn't have the energy to cook yesterday, though. So I need to get on top of that today.

The really cool thing was that the Blue Falcon decided to host a totally random double feature last night!! He did Splash and The Shape of Water. I'd really been wanting to see The Shape of Water, so I was interested.

There was some concern from the group that The Shape of Water was a bit mature for the Unicorn, but she's almost in high school. She's been through the sex ed. She knows what's what. Yes, she's still very squeamish about sex and she DID look away, but she was perfectly fine.  

I'm seriously not worried about her virtue here.

She's 100% monogamous to a non-corporeal entity.

She's good.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – Okay, so I need to suck it the fuck up and just ASK for the Blue Falcon's help to make Coffee happen with Cuddle Crush. I have to trust that if he doesn't want to, he'll say no.

I mean, fuck, I know him better than this. I don't need to play coy.  

I can just ask.

It's the mother fucking Blue Falcon. We passed coy a million favors ago.

He'll help.

I know him.

- Sweeties -

Ugh... I did it... and it sucked... but I did it.  

I finally worked up the courage to let Bear down easy.

He took it well.

But it still prompted a Facebook Status saying how much it sucked.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  Okay, so I had the Facebook Status about letting Bear go - which I also posted to my stories – not realizing that those also go out to everyone I also have on messenger. (epic facepalm)

And then I also posted another status update telling my Abandonment Issues to fuck right the hell off.

I actually didn't even know that Cuddle Crush paid any attention to my feed at all, but she saw that and she knew I wasn't okay. So, she checked in on me and asked me to explain what was going on. So I told her. I also told her that it's no one's job to pander to my insecurities and that it's my job to make sure that my relationships are healthy and stable in spite of them.

But, she soothed me anyway.

And I fucking cried my eyes out.

Because... fuck, I needed that so much from her right then.

She let me know that she was there. She empathized with the abandonment issues. She completely understood when I told her that I could still break and be hurt.  

I told her that it would devastate me to lose her, but I didn't go into details on why. She promised me that we'd always be friends at the very least. Now, I shudder at the possibility of being friend-zoned, but you know I'd tolerate it just to still have her in my life.  

Then I told her that there might have to be a clause where she gets to cuddle her friends.

And then I made it absolutely fucking clear that I fully reserve my right to crush on her relentlessly, because dammit! She DESERVES to be adored.  

She just told me I'm awesome.

LOL... no explanation. Just that I'm awesome.

She favors her A-Words when it comes to me. Amazing, Adorable, and Awesome... but no more details on any of them. She wants to wait until we're in person, I think...  

… anyway.

After that she didn't just disappear on me like she normally does. She actually told me she wouldn't be around and the reason why. Total preemptive strike on the Abandonment Issues.

It felt so good.

Her consideration for my feelings really made a difference. The Abandonment issues eased up considerably after that.

Now I just need to see if I can keep them from taking me over again.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

My coffee maker does not understand daylight savings time... I had to push the button myself.

I'm so fucking glad we went with the quick brew. That fucker takes like 5-minutes instead of 20.