... I might just be able to reclaim my brain...

I feel like productivity is becoming a major issue.  

Any time I have to leave the house for any reason, my brain and body promptly go into 'total shutdown' upon my return. I'm just wiped. I need a nap and then I'm utterly useless.  

This used to be fine when my only real medical appointments were Therapy on Tuesday's and INR/Chiropractor on Wednesday's (my Chiropractor's office is about half a block away from my Primary Care clinic).  

So, now we've added Magic Hippo Dance on Thursday's... and it doesn't end when I complete my training. More to the point, I complete my training TODAY. That means that as of Saturday I'm on my 'work out three days a week' schedule.  

That will give me Friday's and Monday's to get shit done...  

… and It's going to suck at first.

I'm going to be too wiped out to do anything while my body acclimates to exercising so much.

There's so much to do.

I have a whole house to take care of. I have betas to read. I have stories to write. I have knitting projects to finish.  

Now... the long term hope here?  

If the exercise results in better weight loss and better sleep, it should also result in an increase in energy levels. So, I might just be able to reclaim my brain in time.

Wouldn't that be awesome?

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – That little spat of depression does, indeed, appear to have been a fluke... but, honestly I think it was just chatting with Cuddle Crush that made it dissipate. And, yes, I know how bad that sounds. I know it sounds like I'm investing a lot of emotion into something that's far away and unsure.

I've been reading over my entries from last year, and it was about this time a year ago that I was head over heels for Rain and completely convinced that Friday was going to be the lifesaving aggressive lover that I needed.

Well, Rain up and disappeared on me. I even have him blocked now after our last encounter. I'm just not even interested anymore.

Friday seems to have gone entirely MIA as well, but I honestly don't think he would have gotten his life to even out enough for anything to be stable between us anyway. It would have boiled down to just sex.

The point I'm making is that I felt about both of them the way I feel about Cuddle Crush now.

We don't know what the future holds.

She's my Fated Mate, and I believe in her, but she may eventually decide to not make us a thing.

Am I going to be in a place where I've completely forgotten about her a year from now?

Godz, I fucking hope not.

But, she's the one in control here and I have to live by her choices.

Will I let her go? Yes.

Will I give up on her? I don't think so.

I still think my Alpha-submissive side is hers, and I still think that needs to play out. It just might take some time for her to come to me so that it can play out.

Honestly, I don't really see her giving up on me either.

Just sayin'.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 42 minutes, 4x awake, 17x restless, 46 minutes awake/restless

- Fur-babies – It's been awhile! But, Dreamy did come by last night. Bran was in snuggling with me, so Dreamy snuggled with both of us. It was pretty sweet. Bran had brought me a treat and Dreamy took a lick... I really don't think he expected/liked it, but he tried. It was cute.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- INR – 1.5 - We've entered into a dark space, and I really don't know what to do about it. I realized yesterday when I was on the phone with my medication management that I was dissociating about my rat poison. For some reason it's become counter-intuitive for me and I can't seem to get my mind to flip It's shit back the right way.

This is bad.

This is the kind of shit that gets people like me committed. When our psychosis reaches the point where it becomes life threatening because we can't manage our own medication... that's when they lock people like me up.

I've seen it happen.

Those six weeks I was in the psyche ward... I've seen people locked up for that reason. People who had lives that they were torn away from. People who wanted desperately to get back to those lives.

I need to figure out how to lock this the fuck down, and lock it down hard.

- Nervous System – My neck and adjoining shouldery bits were very tight yesterday. But, other than that my body's been really stable. Whatever caused that migraine and the associated stress/tension pain in my upper back... it's gone now. My Chiropractor took care of it. The man is a fucking miracle worker. That's the second time medical science has completely failed me and he had me worked out in like a week.

Srsly.

- Inflammation – I've been making more and more 'good choices' about my diet. Bran and I are working on affording the protein powder that I really want/need to keep my body more stable when I start exercising more. I think I'm just going to have to sacrifice some other shit and buy it myself. Sucks, but true.

- Aquatic Therapy – Last session today. Bran and I scoped out pools, but nothing looks like it will work. I will speak to my trainer today about continuing to use the current pool and then with insurance about keeping up with the medical rides, which may or may not work on Saturday's too... we'll see.

- Weight Management - I'm down another 2 pounds in about 2 weeks. I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but for me that's actually pretty serious movement. With all the hovering, the yo-yo'ing, the blatant gains when I was supposed to be losing... just seeing these consistent, but slow, drops are everything to me.

I've been down to the point where I was only 20 pounds away from my goal weight, just to gain it all back again.

Now I'm 40 pounds away from my goal weight, but I have Bran, better food, and an actual exercise program.

So... hopefully we'll fucking make it this time.

--- there's more to this than just the goal weight ---

Once I'm at goal, then I need to make the necessary adjustments to 1) still exercise (if not exercise more to keep building strong muscle), but 2) increase my calorie intake so that I remain STABLE at the goal range, which will be a challenge with all the extra, calorie burning, exercise.  

I estimate a learning curve.  

But, if I can remain stable for 6-9 months, then I qualify for the body contouring surgery.

It is highly unlikely that insurance will cover it. They will see it as purely cosmetic, but I'm still gonna try.

So, that's the goal... Healthy, without the added weight of the flappy bits...

… and then tattoo's...

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Never let it be said that man doesn't love me. He was taking some co-workers warehouse club shopping yesterday and introducing them to the joys of buying in bulk on the cheap... came home with the GIANT JAR OF DOUBLE STUFFED OLIVES for me, because he loves me.

I actually restrained myself and only ate about ¼ of the jar. LOL.

Then he made sure I got cuddles, because he's a good man like that.

I messed up, though.  

I napped too long and I snacked too much, so I biffed my own bedtime routine. This kept me so sacked out that I didn't even hear it when Cuddle Crush messaged me back in the wee hours, and it wasn't until MY alarm went off that I asked Bran what time he needed to be up.

He needed to be OUT THE DOOR.

Normally it falls on me to nudge him and make sure he's paying attention to his alarms because his hearing is damaged on one side and he doesn't always hear the alarm if he's sleeping on his good side.

I know.

He's a grown ass man and he should be able to get his own damn self outta bed... but it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes we need partners for practical things like that.

Hopefully, this won't negatively hit him...  

… I do feel bad.

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Sweeties -

Not really dating at this time.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  Yesterday, when I was with my Chiropractor, he said something to me and I really wanted to reply with something involving Cuddle Crush's opinion or status, and I don't even remember what it was or why I wanted to say something.

Thinking back now, I realize I just wanted to show off.

I wanted to flaunt the fact that I have her.

That's some fucking bullshit right there.

She's not a prize, she's not a trophy, she's not an award winning cut of perfect meat.

She's a human fucking being, and she deserves to be treated like one.

I had even asked her later, if it was okay for me to use the word 'Girlfriend' when referring to her in conversation. She said 'no' and she had reasons which I fully support, and honestly, we have no business flinging around words like that! That's just doing RECKLESS BORDERLINE RELATIONSHIP QUICK BURN!

It was fucking stupid...

… I was stupid.

… I'm glad she said no.

… I'm so proud of her for showing me how strong she is.

I hope I get a chance to tell her that soon.

- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

I wonder if I'd have more productive energy if I just got more sleep?

Truth is... the only way to find that out, is to lose Bran... so, really. I don't fucking care.

If I have him, and the trade-off is that I only do one important thing a day.

I will be happy doing one important fucking thing a day.