The Spoons and I are going to have to renegotiate...

I am going to go ahead and admit that I don't like the way that March is already playing out in terms of the Spoons.

See, the Spoons and I have always had an agreement. On days when I have to leave the house for something, I take those days off from doing anything creative (SELF-CARE!)  because the mental energy is in limited supply and it's kind of a one or the other deal.

So far, the only week days I have appointment free this month are the 23rd and the 30th.  

Today is only the 7th. There is still PLENTY of time for those two dates to fill up.  

The weekends aren't much better. Every other weekend I'm watching Anime and Supernatural with the Unicorn, and on my child-free weekends, Saturdays are allocated towards housework, Sundays are Movie Night with the Blue Falcon.

I know some of you might be thinking 'be patient, it's only one month,' but that's not the fucking point here. It's only one month because April hasn't been scheduled out yet in terms of medical appointments... this could be my life moving forward.

Even if I ended up no longer needing Physical Therapy on Monday's for my migraines, what about when I finish with my Thursday Aquatic Therapy training sessions and I'm ready to start the Magic Hippo Dance on my own?

That's 3 days a week that I'm heading out to a gym/pool.  

I have Therapy on Tuesdays, Weekly Blood Sacrifice on Wednesdays, and then we're adding in the Magic Hippo Dance on every Thursday, Saturday, and Monday.  

That leaves me Fridays.

This can mean only one thing.

The Spoons and I are going to have to renegotiate.

I'm thinking sometime in May, maybe? After my body has acclimated to the exercise routine and I should be sleeping better with the increased activity? I'll have had my sleep study by then too... might even be back on C-Pap as well.  

Somehow I need to acquire more physical/mental energy so I can reallocate downtime to creative/self-care time and still write and knit in the off hours. I have stories that need to be out of my head and on the page and I have #YarnSlut projects that need finishing.

Something's got to give.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy – Well, she didn't fall out of her chair. LOL, but I did lead with asking her if she had a seatbelt for that thing. She DID have to make me repeat the word's before she could fully process the information.

"Cuddle Crush and I are AmbiguSweeties."

"What, how, when, how, explain yourself woman!"

Then she politely reminded me that just last week I was firmly convinced that I wasn't even on Cuddle Crush's radar.  

Fuck me.

I just looked at my Very Private Journal for March 1st, and I was super excited about an innocuous conversation Cuddle Crush and I were having while she was injured. I was so fucking happy because she was learning little details about me and I thought that would help her develop her 'return crush' on me.

That crush was already there.

Valkyrie also pointed out that last week I was also prepared for the long game, and now we're AmbiguSweeties a week later?  

No no.

This is still a long game situation.

The objective is 'Sweeties'. [actually, I'd love to take this to 'Favorite Sweetie' status]

I want to take this into the realm of physical relationships, and we're not there yet. I still have to be patient here. I still need to allocate a fuck-ton of heart energy towards keeping Cuddle Crush safe. She still needs a lot more time to bond with her counterbalance before we can even attempt anything on our own.

Valkyrie and I also discussed the relationship dynamics and how they're pretty mind blowing.  

For starters, Valkyrie is the only person who knew the full extent of my anguish over that crush. She's the only one who really knows how hard I struggled to try to get Cuddle Crush out of my mind. So, she's the only person (besides Cuddle Crush) who really understands my absolute joy and relief in having a peaceful resolve here.

Next, Valkyrie is the only person who has ever really seen me at full throttle. She has the luxury of a professional filter that keeps her safe from my extreme intensity. When I explained it to Cuddle Crush, I told her that me at 'full force' is like holding an exploding supernova in your hands. Only the strong survive, but mostly I'm just going to burn people's faces off.

Valkyrie just puts on her sunglasses and basks in the heat. She says it’s a fucking beautiful thing to watch me burn that bright. So, she knows that finding someone like Cuddle Crush, who can also take that same level of intensity from me... Valkyrie knows what that means to me.  

Lastly, and strange for a Therapist, I know, but this is the relationship that Valkyrie and I have. She's also fully aware of my Goddess level Bad Assery. She knows _exactly_ how fucking powerful I am and what I'm capable of doing with that power if provoked. She knows how dangerous I can be. Bran may have been the one who trained me to be an Apex Predator, but Valkyrie is the only person who's really understood what Bran unleashed when he remade me.

And, yet...

All of that is willing to kneel at Cuddle Crush's proverbial feet.

She's my Alpha, and I bend to her.  

I fucking worship her.

What does that even do to someone's self-esteem?

Especially someone who's also a bit broken, like me?

How does one even react when a Goddess looks up to them and says 'I worship you'?

As I said...

… intensity.

- Writing – Nothing new to report.

- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 48 minutes, 5x awake, 11x restless, 43 minutes awake/restless.

- Fur-babies – Dreamy was being an asshole last night. He kept picking this one spot in the apartment hallway and wanting to lay down there. Catmom had to practically force him into my apartment. Then he took his nap just fine. As soon as she called, he was alert, walked right to the door with me. Out and laid right on that same spot in the hallway.

Whatever, Cat.  

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – I was having a really rough night last night. I wasn't getting enough protein and so even though I'd eaten a satisfactory amount of food, I was still ravenously hungry. Bran was sweet enough to sacrifice one of his cans of soup so I could settle my tummy enough to sleep.

I feel better today.  

I need to get better at using the resources I have available to me.

Part of the problem is that whole Spoon thing. I just don't have the mental energy to expend into making food go, so even though there's chicken and burgers in the freezer, those take time and energy to prepare. Some nights, I just don't have that in me.

Ugh... somethings got to give!!

- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

It feels like forever since I've heard from Bear, and a big part of me is hoping he's just moved the hell on. But, my inconsistent time sense has just revealed to me that it's only been 3 weeks, and I know he'll tap in the next time he's horny or lonely.

I've got to bit the bullet and just break it off with him the next time he taps in, and I'm going to hate myself for doing it.

Valkyrie and I talked about this yesterday too.

She doesn't believe that I was actually 'using' Bear at the time. She says that I made an honest effort to look past my physical revulsion and I tried to appreciate Bear's personality over his physical form. And for a while I was able to do that.

But, there was a shift in my psyche when Bran came home. Once balance was restored, not all was well on all fronts.  

It appears that my ability to see past my pure lack of attraction towards Bear was a symptom of my 'lack of balance', and that was something that was sacrificed on Bran's return.

Again, not intentional. I really did try to do the right thing... I failed on that one.

Fuck.

I’m going to have to clean up that mess eventually.

Ugh.

Own it already, girl.  

Jeez.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

- Cuddle Crush -  I feel like we covered a lot of this already.

I’m often awestruck by how compatible we seem to be sexually. This hasn't been tested yet, but I remain entirely hopeful.  

It's in the way I feel like she won't have to hold back at all with me. Like I can already sense that this is one area where I can take her at her full intensity. More importantly... I fucking need it. It's like I was built for this. Made for her.  

Come to think of it...

She crushed on me LONG before I ever crushed on her.

Who the fuck evoked who here?

She's the most perfect, beautiful, loving, aggressive, primal, Domme a girl could ever ask for. She's everything I ever needed, and yet nothing I ever knew I wanted before her.

Wouldn't it be amazing if all that time I was trying to figure out how to pull her to me, she was casting love spells on me in the dark?

Would I regret any of it?

If I found out that she had potentially infringed on my free will at all by calling me to her, would I resent her? Would I feel at all betrayed?

Isn't that what happens in all the horror movies?

Aren't love spells supposed to go bad?

Aren't I supposed to be offended?

LOL, not this bitch.

If I found out she did whatever it took to make me hers, it would only make me love her more.  

In every love fantasy I've ever had, going back as far as I can remember... I've always been turned on the most by someone wanting me so badly that they wouldn't even risk taking 'no' for an answer.

Taken.

Lovingly taken.

But, still fucking taken.

Again, I ask, who the fuck evoked who here?

- Pathfinder – Very good movement on his end, professionally. I'm very proud of him.

- Never Enough – He just tapped in.  

It's amazing how electric things still are between us. He just sent me a picture... no face... just torso... and... yeah.  

Part of the attraction is knowing how much he worships me as his ultimate sexual fantasy. Had things worked out and if he'd stayed local, he would have been the perfect cub. He would have been loving and loyal. He probably would have been the one to help me survive things instead of the Blue Falcon.

I regret nothing.

It played out the way it needed to play out.

I would never wish for a different reality other than the Blue Falcon and what our relationship has been.

But, there's still a big part of me that wishes Never Enough would be a local boy again.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Can I just say that "Active Listening" needs to be a fucking thing?

Seriously, mother fucker.

Butt hurt people need to learn that the world does not revolve around their fucking problems.

Could have at least have acknowledged me and been happy for me when I told shared about the good things in my life.

Twatwaffle.

End Notes:  

Coffee and Contemplation, along with Yarn Therapy is like, my morning self-care 'thing'…  

Doesn't even happen on the days when I have to leave the house.

I miss it.