Three Words: Mercury in Retrograde.
That was probably not the best time to resurrect my dating profile.
I think the depression was my only consequence of that action, though. Since I'm already talking to one really nice guy and we're on the same page about a lot of things.
I just hated myself for doing it, despite how hot the pictures were, I fucking hated myself for doing it. I hated myself for being pushed to that point. I felt disgusting. I was disgusted with myself.
Between Bran and Cuddle Crush, I have EVERYTHING I need. Hell, Cuddle Crush woke me up to needs I didn't even know I had, so... I'm covered. It's just the long distance thing that's going to kill me.
However, there's been some alternate movement there and it might not be an issue.
Might not.
Still could be.
It's worth it to be prepared.
Cuddle Crush is/has been chatting with me this morning. It's been delicious. I don't even have the words for how much I've missed her or how good it feels to even talk to her just a little bit. My heart swells and I just want to jump through the screen and pounce the holy mother-fuck out of her.
She's tired, about to nap. She worked out hard.
I had a chance to tell her about my pending graduation with the Magic Hippo Dance and how Bran and I scoped out a couple of pools last night.
Then I got a little insecure about the fact that we always seem to end up talking about me... know what she said? She said she likes hearing about me, and that if she'd wanted to, she would have changed the subject. Like, seriously... insecurity laser sniped from miles away. She says she's good at that.
I love her acknowledgement of her own strength there. How she told me in such simple terms that she's honest and direct enough to not just roll over when someone's talking to damn much. (warm sigh) My beautiful Amazon. I love her so fucking much.
She seems to be fading now... I think I'll be surrendering our conversation to her nap very soon. Which is fine, I got a late start on this entry because I was dealing with other stuff.
I want her so much.
It's so hard to just stand back and be patient when all I can think about is her touch.
I'm acutely aware of the fact that the limitations placed on our relationship are there to keep us from doing the reckless Borderline Personality Disorder thing and move too fast. This is forcing us to slow the fuck down and cultivate our relationship, which is what we both need.
But, it's hard.
I crave her so much.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy – Valkyrie and I certainly had a lot to talk about yesterday, and a lot of it to do with Mercury being in Retrograde too. Shit going on and poor timing on other launches and decisions being made. Things that could go south and go south hard. Hopes that they won't go south. Hopes that things will still be okay. Acute awareness that certain behavior patterns are reckless enough to be... so... very... not okay. It might work out. We've seen a prime example of one situation where it did work out, but there were extenuating circumstances where the necessary support was in place to help that situation work out... *sigh* - this is maddening... I'm worried... I'm elated for the wrong reasons... I don't know how all of this is going to play out... the Cassandra Complex is there, but it's seeing multiple disasters along different time lines.
I need to take my own advice and step the fuck back.
I need to emotionally disinvest.
That's the only way I'm going to get through this without going insane.
- Writing – Nothing new to report.
- Yarn Therapy - Nothing new to report.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 5 hours 48 minutes, 4x awake, 11x restless, 35 minutes awake/restless.
- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – He's my life's blood right now.
As much as I gush about Cuddle Crush – and believe me, I gush about her a LOT – Bran is always there too. Every hug, every kiss, every cuddle, every time he reaches out to touch me in his sleep... every little ounce of closeness with him...
I take none of this for granted.
My heart hurts when he's not touching me. Sometimes it's hard to breathe.
I suck it up, though... I know he has shit to do. I get on as best as I can with what little time he's able to give me.
In a way, I guess I’m happy for the trauma that almost destroyed us.
It seems to have given me the happiest marriage I could ever imagine.
Sad but true.
Last night we scoped out pools... meh... I’m going to have to talk to my trainer tomorrow about continuing at the existing exercise pool.
He took me shopping for a pizza wheel and refrigerator magnets, LOL... so thoughtful. I'd been using a meat cleaver to cut the pizza. I've actually never owned a pizza wheel before this. We even looked at small cookie scoops and silicone pastry brushes for a future purchase.
ALMOST stopped in at Michael's, but he forgot to WARN ME that we might stop there, so I didn't have my mug with me to match the paint color. Silly man.
Then he bought me dinner.
Seriously the best fucking salad I've ever had.
There were cuddles.
There were sleepies.
I love him so much.
I'm very content with my life with him.
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Sweeties -
Not really dating at this time.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - So, yes... we got some chat time in this morning.
I feel the same level of emotional rushes with her that I do with Bran. I don't know if 'blessed' is the right word or not, but there's definitely this sense of 'completion' with her in my life.
Like I don't even know how I got by without her before.
I can say that I did know that something was missing. I was aware that I still needed an aggressive lover. I need someone who won't be gentle with me at all. I’m not sure if she's the 'hold a girl down' type, but we'll see.
What I didn't know is that I needed a Trans Lesbian Domme...
That was totally out of the – omg – where the hell did that come from?
But, now that it's her, it's like... yes... this was it the whole time, and I just didn't know it.
I hated Domme's... and then I hated women... and... it was like, my traumas were specifically in place to keep me in stasis, waiting for Cuddle Crush to awaken me.
Now my pussy clenches and gets wet any time I even imagine her touch. I live in this constant state of heightened sexual arousal, just craving her. My ass muscles are SORE from all the clenching every time I bring myself to orgasm. Don't even get me started on how much my arm hurts from applying so much pressure to my clit.
*sigh*
I want her.
I have to wait.
But, I know I'll be with her eventually.
No power in all the Verse could ever keep us apart for very long.
If anything? The whole cosmic structure is threatening to crack from the strain of keeping us apart.
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
So, yeah... the depression was just a fluke... like a bug. Just a 24-hour thing. I was just mad at myself for going back on a dating site when I have two people in my life that I love with all my heart.
It will work itself out.
Patience.
Ugh.
Hate that shit.
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