… lest anyone be confused...
This is a multi-layer thing for me right now, so please bear with me as I peel back the petals of this thorny little fucker of a rose.
First I want to take a look at the mental health layer...
I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
One of the primary symptoms of Borderline is a struggle to attain and maintain a sense of identity. We can be prone to dissociation. We make excellent actors and role-play gamers. We can get 'attached' to things that give us a 'title'; I am a student, I am a spouse, I am a job. We have trouble defining ourselves as just 'us'.
In my struggle for identity I take great comfort in labels. When something has a name, a title, a designation, it also has an explanation. It makes sense to me. It takes a shape. It becomes a solid.
This brings me to the relevancy of Cuddle Crush.
I was experiencing things with her that I've never felt before, so it was becoming more and more difficult to define my reality when it came to her. There was just this constant 'nag' at the back of my mind; 'you don't know what this is'. Cuddle Crush was an abstract. It was maddening.
And then, last Tuesday, sitting in Valkyrie's office, I was extrapolating on those experiences and still trying to wrap my brain around them. And she gets this big ass smile on her face and says:
"You do realize you're describing Fated Mates here, don't you?"
I fucking lost my shit.
It was the BEST – absolutely – WORST thing she could have ever said to me.
It was the best because she was right. The experience fit perfectly in line with everything I know about Fated Mates. Everything.
It was the worst because I absolutely fucking hate Fated Mates.
Right, so now, of course, you're wondering why.
Well here's where we get to the next layer, Paranormal Romance...
Paranormal Romance is a specific genre of fiction where the romantic 'couples' (and sometimes more than couples) are a mix of human and other races. These other 'mystical' races can be anything from vampires, to faeries, to dragons, to werewolves, to aliens, to alien werewolves.
No, I'm not kidding. More to the point, the trilogy with the Alien Werewolves was actually pretty fucking good too.
Okay, so maybe you don't read this stuff, but maybe you’ve watched shows like True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, or Bitten? Yes, I'm very ashamed to admit, even Twilight fits in here too.
That is Paranormal Romance ( I write this )
In my opinion, the most vehemently nauseating thing to ever occur in Paranormal Romance (and it occurs a LOT) is the root concept of Fated Mates.
So, Valkyrie says this to me, and she's RIGHT, and I know she's fucking right. And now I have to sit there and fucking cope with the fact that I'm the ass end of one of the greatest cosmic jokes in the fucking universe and that somewhere, out there, some asshole has just made me the main fucking character in its Paranormal Fucking Romance Novel.
And if I ever find this dick cheese... Uuuuuuggggghhhhhh... No one in the history of torture's been tortured with torture like the torture it'll be tortured with. (thank you, Crowley)
Because Fated Mates fucking suck...
… and these are all the AUTHOR FABRICATIONS that are the reasons why:
- Instant Love – Not 'like', not 'crush', no build up, no romance. Just 'I love you'. - Author's add conflict by the 'paranormal' creature figuring out the Fated Mate first and then having to relentlessly pursue and 'convince' the other partner. (choking down bile)
- Aesthetic Perfection – They're both flawless. A perfect fit for each other. Their unique little puzzle pieces are laser etched to align immaculately. Even if one of them is a complete asshole, the other one secretly finds that irresistible anyway. (gagging in disgust)
- Environmental Separation – Even if our dear Fated Mates are willing to accept each other, we can't have that, now can we? Oh no! The author has to cook up a shit ton of external conflict to keep them apart so they go fucking crazy without each other, well, because, they're FATED! (shuddering in revulsion)
- Destiny Prevails – But, no matter what, our fearless Fated Mates always find their way into each other's arms, against all the odds, they end up together anyway, well, because, THEY'RE FATED!! (actively retching)
- Horrifyingly Monogamous – with the one exception of my dear friend Ophelia, who favors orgies involving dragons, the Fated Mates are such a bound pair that they only have eyes for each other, and they're usually both fucking immortal by this point. So, forever, with –just- each other. (spewing fucking chunks here)
And now I have to deal with this? This is what I've suddenly become?
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Here's the next layer, how it all falls into place (where Valkyrie made the connection that I didn't)...
- Cuddle Crush and I had 'instant crush' on each other. We wanted each other right away, inexplicably, and it was fucking intense on both sides.
- On the D/s sides of our personalities, our Alphas are two sides of the same coin. We're exactly what the other needs. And, especially in my case, she's the only person I've ever met who could/can meet my needs. Almost (exactly) like it never worked out with anyone else because I was being preserved for her touch only.
- At first it was my Cassandra Complex that kept us apart, I had to wait until she had counterbalance for us to work. She found counterbalance, but It's a closed relationship. So, we're settling for an online – AmbiguSweetieship – right now.
- We both admit that we don't know what the future holds, but I've already promised her that if I have to come back and hunt her down in her next life just to have her, I will.
- The one difference.
And that last bullet point is actually the saving grace here. It's both terrifying and wonderful to accept the reality of the first four bullet points. While it sucks to be the ass end of this great cosmic fucking joke. I fucking love the hell out of her and I wouldn't trade this connection that I feel with her for anything. I'm happy to have her as a part of my life.
But, I really really really have to appreciate the hell out of the actual twist in the narrative there.
That was fucking brilliant!
Hell, if I ever DID decide to write Fated Mates, this is exactly how I'd do it!!
I would write them as secondary partners already Life-Mated in bound pairs. I would make them non-monogamous!! I would make them loving and sharable.
This brings us to the final layer...
Even Bran had something to say about this because of the way I kept saying Fated MateS, plural.
The way his mind processed that was to tell me that one person could have MORE THAN ONE PRE-DESTINED MATE, and we could all share and get along.
Bran said this.
Bran.
… Bran.
… let that sink in for a sec.
Mr. Logic McSimpleMan told me that it was possible for me to be destiny bound to both him and Cuddle Crush and that's why he has no trouble accepting her as being a part of my life. He feels no insecurities or disillusionment about my relationship with him now that she's involved too. He's fine.
Love by Proxy?
I experience a great deal of Love by Proxy when it comes to things on Cuddle Crush's end. It’s entirely possible that Bran feels this too.
Whatever this is... and whatever this is becoming... it's good... it's going to be good...
It's going to play out slow, and I’m more than okay with that... but I'm really excited to see how it's all going to play out.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy – I haven't needed naps the last two days... I still don't have Spoons... but I've not needed naps. Now, both days I had to leave the house during my peak creativity times. So, today could be an entirely different story! We'll see.
- Writing – I pecked at Claimed in a lobby a little bit yesterday.
- Yarn Therapy – Nothing new to report.
- Sleep / Fitbit - Nothing new to report.
- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Scanners – I've been migraine free for over two weeks, my chiropractor alone seems to have fixed me. My neck X-ray turned up nothing, my CT Scan turned up nothing, my sleep study consultant doesn't feel I need a sleep study. This is over. I've canceled my Physical Therapy and reclaimed my Monday's.
- Aquatic Therapy – Sore in the hips and shoulders today. More in the hips. It's interesting that I feel it two days out instead of one... especially considering I plan to exercise on an every-other-day basis. Sooo... does this mean I’m going to be all creaky and sore when I do my workouts? Will the exercise itself limber me up again?
I REALLY need that turmeric rich, bone broth, protein powder...
- Weight Management – Down another two pounds... slow progress is better than no progress. This will start moving faster when the exercise is ramped up.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – Seriously?
Seriously?
More than one 'pre-destined' mate.
At the SAME TIME.
He said that.
Ye Fucking GODZ! I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.
- Sweeties -
Nothing new to report.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Cuddle Crush - Godz, we're in such a good place right now.
She's been opening up to me more, keeping the lines of communication open more, responding to me more... I'm feeling less and less tangential and more like an integrated part of her life.
I feel like she's making room for me when I know she has precious little space to spare for anyone else at the moment.
That right there is a fucking treasure...
… she is a treasure.
Godz, how I fucking worship this woman.
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
- Never Enough - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
Given the length of today's opener, I feel no need to say a lot in closing.
Take care, everyone.
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